This essay is contained in my new book. I'm delighted to announce that The Sojourner's Passport site has launched! You can visit it at http://www.sojournerspassport.com/.
Everyone, I can't thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement and support; I truly appreciate it. Your support is what made this possible. And here's a special shout-out to my web designers at Educo Web Design. They're nice people to deal with, and they do outstanding work!
Peace and blessings,
Khadija Nassif
An effort to stand for justice and oppose the "ruinous traits" listed by Muslim scholars in all their forms: rancor, unhealthy attachments, malice, jealousy, vanity, stinginess, avarice, cowardice, indolence, arrogance, ostentation, heedlessness, anxiety, depression, and oppression.
Monday, August 24, 2009
34 comments:
Thanks for stopping by! {excited waving}
Please understand that this is not a free speech zone. Profanity and hate speech are not welcome and will not be posted. This blog seeks to foster a courteous, reasoned exchange of ideas. I would ask that before posting, everyone (myself included) seriously consider whether the proposed comment helps or hurts the cause of opposing the ruinous traits listed on the masthead.
Please feel free to add your input to any post at any time. There's no "expiration date" for the issues that are discussed here. I welcome, value, and learn from your contribution! Thank you in advance for your cooperation and your input.
Great post ! I had a few people in life like that cut them off quick. They will only be toxic to your mental health.
ReplyDeleteTrue! But as we can also note the high number of black men incarcerated and killing each other there's going to be less and less. As a core group of black women with sense and urgency leave emotionally and physically it won't go unnoticed. Many more are also speaking up - or at the least those lamenting the possibility are helping to spread the word as well. It really comes down to whether black women want to serve the black community/black men master of put themselves first. As I was reading the interview with the mother of one of the suspects her lack of empathy from having lived through her own version of hell on earth chilled me to the bone. The abuse, abandonment and apathy results in such depravity.
ReplyDeleteKhadija,
ReplyDeleteExcellent post as usual and a perfect analogy to how insidious this type of mind control really is.
I will just say that I know from personal experience (thankfully it was a lifetime ago) how individuals in my world (I was quite young) had almost convinced me that I would never amount to anything.
I would always have stomach problems almost to the point of an ulcer. I later realized it was my body telling me that what was being said to me did not agree with the reality of who I was and my achievements. That these people wanted me to stay down with them.
I was able to escape (literally and figuratively) from the trap. I rarely have stomach trouble today but when I do, it is always a warning that something is happening in my life that I need to take immediate action.
Again, thank you for an excellent post and I hope that those who read this will start to "analyze" and "think critically" to what is happening in their surroundings and take action.
All the talk in the world will not change anything, only taking direct and immediate action changes things .
Exactly, Khadija! Thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteWe can definitely see that for the vast majority of AA men, under a certain age for sure, "black love" is actually "LIGHT-skinned-black love," but so many bw rationalize this. This "black love" thing, as practiced by the Acting Black Crew or ABCs (which includes many among the AAs under 40) is such a
hoax against typical AA women!
As usual, the typical AA woman is the last to realize how this all impacts her. I actually get notes from bm-identified AA women who'll say things like, "If dark skinned AA women were to show they have more self-esteem, then bm would want them and pursue them too," or other ridiculous stuff like that. I've worked in the field of mental health with ALL kinds of women. Lots of American women of ALL types including plenty of light-bright-white women have LOW self esteem but the bulk of AA men will trample a dark woman of ANY sort to get a lighter-whiter woman. And MOST AA women, for sure, KNOW this, yet they continue to accept the bm's version of this reality, that somehow it's the darker woman's fault.
So many AA women are in what I refer to as a "black" tunnel, and the walls are closing on them and fast.
For ex., my sisterfriend is aware that the pickings are slim to none for quality bm in this area. But she told me last week that she thought that the quality bm shortage was ONLY in this area. When I stressed to her that this is a pandemic situation, she was speechless. She is a smart woman in most ways, but in this area, maybe she ***wanted*** to be duped?
I mean, the evidence is out there, in ALL of the media, all of the time. She reads and listens to various programs, but does she NOT process? She even reads my site, but she still doesn't understand the whole picture. She virtually deflated in front of my eyes when I told her that the quality AA man pickings are slim EVERYWHERE in this country. I could tell that I had really depressed her. She could barely talk for the next 15 minutes and had a hard time making eye contact with me.In some ways, she is still one of those race women.
Is this too painful? Too terrifying? Honestly, y'all, I felt bad for breaking the news to her. LOL! Magical thinking IS bliss.
So yes, bw are really being "gaslighted," but willingly. It's as if there's a tacit agreement among the bulk of AA women to allow themselves to be duped, to not look at the elephant in the room.
I had to point out to my sisterfriend several times that demographers know where EVERYBODY is in this society. There is NO hidden cache of quality AA men. Her mind automatically went to the notion of conspiracy. I had to tell her a few times that this is NOT a part of any conspiracy to hide the quality AA men!!
It's really fascinating to observe all of this. I'm sure there is a psychological term for this version of self-induced extinction.
Zindzhi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it. Yep, such people will DESTROY your mental health if you take in their poison.
________________
Faith,
You said, "As a core group of black women with sense and urgency leave emotionally and physically it won't go unnoticed.
...It really comes down to whether black women want to serve the black community/black men master of put themselves first. As I was reading the interview with the mother of one of the suspects her lack of empathy from having lived through her own version of hell on earth chilled me to the bone."
Let me start with the interview with relatives of one of the Dunbar Village defendants over at WAOD. The attitudes that they are expressing are TYPICAL of what I hear everyday at work from AA defendants and their relatives.
AA laypeople don't believe me when I tell them that the vast majority of the AA defendants that I've defended over the years AND their relatives don't give a da*n about the victims. No, most of us want to pretend that these creatures are like the "bad kids" on an episode of Good Times or Welcome Back, Kotter who just needed a hug. NO.
Some of the defendants and families know that it's good for them to give a sentence of lip service about how "their hearts go out to the victim/victim's family." But some of them don't even bother with the lip service. ALL they care about is their own problems, issues, and difficulties. They are competing with the actual victim for "victim status."
Let me make it plain: The AA collective is TEEMING with EVIL SOCIOPATHS who enjoy seeing other people's pain and suffering. It's a source of entertainment to them. This is why it's critical for AA women to flee Black residential areas and get out of striking distance from these creatures. And STOP feeling sorry for them.
In terms of the gaslighting and the foolish AA women who cooperate with it, I have 2 words to describe my thoughts about this: LEFT BEHIND.
Just like in those novels, AA fools (of all varieties) will find themselves LEFT BEHIND in an AA environment that will be even more chaotic and shattered after our various departures!
I won't feel sorry for them because they were warned.
__________________________
Karen,
Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.
Yes, this type of emotional abuse IS insidious. It looks to me like most BW haven't realized that gaslighting IS emotional abuse.
I praise God that you escaped from that trap. Yes, our bodies try to tell us things with discomfort and ailments that our minds often refuse to listen to. We need to listen more to our bodies' signals.
___________________________
Evia,
You're welcome!
You said, "So yes, bw are really being "gaslighted," but willingly. It's as if there's a tacit agreement among the bulk of AA women to allow themselves to be duped, to not look at the elephant in the room.
...So many AA women are in what I refer to as a "black" tunnel, and the walls are closing on them and fast."
Well, that's the thing---the walls are closing in and soon these women will be crushed and DESTROYED. Back to what I said in reply to Faith's comment: LEFT BEHIND!
I'm only going to shout the alarm for so long. As folks can probably tell from the Black business series, I have other things that I'm busy with. I shout the warning because it's the right thing to do (and is therefore pleasing to God), but as you've said before, we're coming down to the wire with this situation.
75+% OOW rate. 70% unmarried rate. Ever-increasing numbers of ever-escalating atrocities that AA males are committing against AA women and children. What has to happen for some folks to snap out of it?
These women are being LEFT BEHIND as we speak. I have already left them behind. And I'm pleased to see that other AA women are also leaving.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Oh. Snap.
ReplyDeleteI just *knew* I wasn't crazy and there was a term for this madness! I've already outlined my plan and can't seem to build this ark fast enough! Thank you again, Khadija.
Khadija,
ReplyDeleteI hope that I am wrong, but I do not think very many will make it out....
Based on your experienced observations, many are already lost.
As many states have their prison data online, I did a random checks of the race of prisoners listed in any particular prison. 7 to 8 out of 10 were AA (male or female, it did not matter).
Tons can argue that there were circumstances, blah, blah, blah, but the fact remains that these people allowed themselves to be either around marginal people or were in compromised surroundings or actually did the crime. When the percentage is that high, there is no one else to blame.
AA women that continue to associate with this fringe and all its various permutations are lost.
I, for one, stopped looking back long ago but I share my experiences to help those that may be on the fence to move on and those that are on their way to give affirmation that there is a better life/future out there.
That's why I like the other posts so much as they are looking forward.
This is classic gaslighting, right here from the DV interview:
ReplyDeleteWe all black people here we should be able to communicate together. Here all our black America turned against us. There shouldn’t be no races. It don’t matter who’s purple green yellow blue white whatever. We all should come together in this. You know, instead of trying to hurt one another. I don’t think it’s right.
This enrages me. Your son is a predatory animal, but because he's black I'm supposed to be trying to protect him, communicate with him. Yeah right, lady. You're right, color makes no difference at all. Vermin should be exterminated, no matter what the color.
THANK YOU for this Khadija.
ReplyDeleteI've basically already responded to this essay of yours in I don't know how many ways. I've done it so often on so many blogs/sites over the years, I think I've lost count.
But I never had a formal TERM for the abuse/occurrence.
"Gaslighting". That's EXACTLY what it is.
BW MUST realize that these black wannabe masters and their black female lapdogs are POWERLESS on their own. The ONLY way they gain power is when BW stupidly and out of ignorance GIVE their power away to them.
For absolutely nothing.
I (and growing numbers of BW) DON'T do it and other sista's don't have to either.
BW need to STOP throwing their pearls to swine.
And letting swine control (and destroy) their destiny's.
Decade after decade. Generation after generation.
In the end, the choice is BW's. Continue to live in the Matrix or join reality.
While thinking of what to write for the previous post, I read the title of this one and my mind went to gassing. AA women have been gassed (many of whom have suffered all types of damage--I was one of them). That, and continuing to associate with/coddle with these deranged individuals (regardless of relation) are akin to sitting in a room sans windows with a new, cheap shower curtain: outgassing occurs, thereby giving off fumes (indocrination, "aw, ain't nothing wrong with this neighborhood/individual/scheme, etc."), thereby causing varying degrees of neurological damage (much of it irreversible).
ReplyDeleteI'm breathing a little better now, if only with the hope that I'll beat my strict deadline.
I am SO glad you wrote on this term. Gas-lighting is exactly what this is, folks trying to tell us that what we have experienced firsthand didn't happen. This is also called spirit murder. Some of the smartest, most gorgeous black women I know have had their spirits damaged in this way through racism, sexism, colorism and other abuse and yet they refuse to get out of the so-called black community and move on.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, the mass of black men do not like typical-looking black women, our supposed 'attitudes' or our looks. End of story. So move on. Find men who do like your looks and attitude. Plenty of white, Asian and other women have 'flaws' as well and they still have men after them and seeking them for serious relationships and marriage. I've attended the weddings of at least 5 or 6 white friends who can be rude, loud, nasty or other flaws and no one told them they had to overhaul themselves or 'fix themselves in any way for marriage. Everyone has flaws, not just black women. Don't believe the garbage black men like Steve Harvey put out there. They just want to keep a surplus harem of lonely, desperate black women to cook and clean and 'service' them until the next Becky, Lupe or Ming comes along. Let them go. Don't allow yourself to be a baby mama or a mammy when you'd rather be a fiance.
I put myself first everyday and I never apologize for that. Everyone else can get in line. If I'm not healthy and whole how can I tend to anyone else? This to me seems simple and yet when I say this to some black women they act as if I the devil incarnate or selfish. They have literally never heard another black woman speak the way I do.
Get out while you can; we've been warned.
Khadija!
ReplyDeleteYou are giving me LIFE right now! (Dancer term, meaning you're riling me up. *smile*).
I never had a term for it, but I knew I was being "gas-lighted" in my first serious relationship. It was maddening. I was young, 20 years old, and every concern and question I had was met with, "You're worrying about nothing," or "You're tripping. Nothing's wrong." God, if I could tell you how I really felt I was going mad!!!
It got to the point where I questioned my own intuition, my own sense of reason. Finally I decided, if I'm sitting here going mad, this CANNOT be good for me. I ended the relationship, and ever since then have kept a watchful eye out for anyone who tries to invalidate my concerns or feelings.
Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. (And to some extent, still going through it, because people will still try to act like I've lost my mind!) We've got to be diligent in making sure these mind games aren't played at our expense -- especially young women. I just forwarded your blog to my closest friends. I hope they find power in it too.
Rainebeaux,
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome! And yes, the toxic "fumes" are all around certain people, places and things.
___________________
Karen,
You said, "I hope that I am wrong, but I do not think very many will make it out....
Based on your experienced observations, many are already lost."
{Khadija dipping into Ebonics} They gone. They LONG gone.
You said, "As many states have their prison data online, I did a random checks of the race of prisoners listed in any particular prison. 7 to 8 out of 10 were AA (male or female, it did not matter).
...AA women that continue to associate with this fringe and all its various permutations are lost."
Exactly. And the disturbing thing is that this "element" and it's "fringe" are OBVIOUS hazards to BW's survival. There are some other, more subtle DEATHTRAPS that I'm doing research on right now. I'll explain in detail during the post I plan to have up for the beginning of September, but I'll say the basic warning here and now:
For the love of God, DON'T send your daughters to historically Black colleges and universities! Especially Howard University in Washington, DC. These HBCUs are emerging DEATHTRAPS! As in literal deathtraps.
Some of you will probably guess what specific phenomenon is causing me to say this, but I'll leave all of that for September.
_______________________________
Roslyn,
What I find...amazing...is that some of the commenters over at WAOD are still talking that "call these criminals on their mess WITH LOVE" madness. So far, I've been able to bite my tongue.
What I want to ask these folks is, Would you call Hitler out 'with love'?" Because these are death-camp-types of atrocities that these demons allegedly committed. Death-camps and other literal acts of genocide are the ONLY contexts in which I've previously heard of such atrocities being committed. Meanwhile, some of these commenters are worried about people developing an "us vs. them" attitude about these criminals. WTH?!!
At exactly what point do AAs STOP caressing criminals?
________________________
Felicia,
You're welcome; and THANK YOU for your valiant and steadfast work to save BW's lives. As you know, NONE of us have to be bothered with this. We've got our own busy lives to attend to. Nobody's paying us to spend our time with these projects.
So, I appreciate your unwavering service in this endeavor.
________________________
E,
You said, "Truth is, the mass of black men do not like typical-looking black women, our supposed 'attitudes' or our looks. End of story. So move on. Find men who do like your looks and attitude."
Yes, BM's actions speak volumes about what they really think---despite the false "Black love" sloganeering that BM engage in whenever it looks like potential "Booty Call" conscripts are wising up & escaping into a better life. A better life where AA women are open to finding other, NON-AA, QUALITY men who want to protect and provide for them as legitimate husbands.
As you and others have said, it's time for AA women to MOVE ON.
______________________________
Miss Marche,
You said, "You are giving me LIFE right now! (Dancer term, meaning you're riling me up. *smile*)."
I luv it---keep those dancing feet moving and grooving!
You said, "Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not the only one who has gone through this. (And to some extent, still going through it, because people will still try to act like I've lost my mind!) We've got to be diligent in making sure these mind games aren't played at our expense -- especially young women."
Yep. As a young woman, I determined that anybody who did not care about my concerns also did not care about ME.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Khadijah
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to the Sept.post on HBCUs. As a Hampton graduate, I am very curious about what you will post and the comments. Don't be surprised when the mammies and race women come out and attack you.
You have provided an invaluable service to black women. We all aren't lost causes just slow and scared about the future. I have been reading the links on your blog. American economy is doing poorly to say the least, but everyone is trying to stay positive. I think it is way past time to leave this sinking ship.
www.escapeamerica.com
"For the love of God, DON'T send your daughters to historically Black colleges and universities! Especially Howard University in Washington, DC. These HBCUs are emerging DEATHTRAPS! As in literal deathtraps."
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU!!! An older relative of mine told another relative that she should NOT attend an HBCU, questioning why *any* darker skinned AA would want to attend a university that wouldn't accept you 60 years ago based on your complexion. And this older relative could pass for white.
Sad to say that I notice a lot of these HBCU grads go into "communications" at major record labels, intern for or become stylists to people who hate black women in general such as, for example, Kanye or Little Wayne or they start one of those hateful gossip blogs that tear down darkskinned black women celebrities every day.
Thank you for your upcoming highlight of the problems with HBCUs for people w/ a Sojourner mentality. I thought attending an HBCU for graduate school would put me in touch w/ the black intelligentisa. However, many people aimed for a good pvt sector job more so than the ownership mentality of entrepreneurs. The ABC was still in effect w/ people bragging about not reading. And of course, many male students showed signs of colorism and had an unspoken attitude of "I am an educated black man. Kneel and worship me at the temple of my loins."
ReplyDeleteSistrunkqueen,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words about the blog; I truly appreciate it.
You said, "I am looking forward to the Sept.post on HBCUs. As a Hampton graduate, I am very curious about what you will post and the comments. Don't be surprised when the mammies and race women come out and attack you."
Yes, I'll also be curious to see if the m-word-women are enraged enough to show their faces here in response to that upcoming post. However, I think that anybody who truly loves their "baby girl" will think long and hard about sending her off to an HBCU after pondering some of the "dots" I plan to connect.
_________________
Dee,
You're welcome!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Sadly, this is one of the many things I've always REALITIES I've witnessed fairly young in college. I was the President of the pan-african student union the whole time I was college, simply because I was the only one willing to carry the brunt of all the work for the organization alone and I was willing to do so for four years out of "commitment". I realized I wasn't just dreaming or being "paranoid" when all the super duper senior black nationalist men specifically came to the Africana group to vent and discuss "what we need to do for the community", but went to the Latino organization to find women to date long term. EVERY single one of these black-nationalist 5%er types in college had biracial girlfriends. I was friends with these girls until their jealousy for whatever reason reared it's ugly head. Which is how I know for a fact that several of the biracial girls were approached over and over by the same group of 5%ers before they were taken off the market by the same group. When I brought it up, I was told that my argument held no weight since biracial girls were also black. None of them felt this was hypocritical, because biracial women are also "black queens". I remember feeling so alone and sad and overburdened, but I truly believe that this taught me more valuable a lesson than all of undergrad combined.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of biracials, other than *extreme* cases such as Obama and Bob Marley, do black men feel the same sense of necessity to fully incorporate biracial men into blackness? Do they see them as "equally black"? If anything they torment half-black men for not being manly and claim "they think they betta than us ni**as". Why can't a biracial man be a "mandingo warrior" in their minds, but a biracial woman can be an "African queen"? Although I generally don't care enough to tackle the extreme psychosis of black male thought development, I've learned that WHO BENEFITS should always be question #1.
My gut feeling is that by convincing these girls that they are "black" they become emotionally attached to the black community. These are the girls they want to "wife" eventually or settle down with and it's easier to do so when they are "close to home". I've seen over and over confused biracial girls being targeted by militant black men for the purpose of "grooming them about their black identity" or "teaching them the importance of helping their community". But I think that's a whole different concern, and I'm sorry if that was off topic. It just made me think of a time in history when my own "Gaslight" was ignited with fire.
I've been a lurker on your blog for a while, thank you so much Khadija for posting this.
A-i0n
Alienati0n,
ReplyDeleteYes, I noticed similar behavior patterns when I was in college. The BM students with the "Blackest" talk had the Whitest girlfriends.
I also got an eyefull when I dated a Latino student. He had invited me (his friends had also invited a number of my BF friends) to attend a party at the Latino student center (where I had never been before).
Guess who I saw while I was there? Wall-to-wall Negro male students chasing after the Mexican girls. Later on, other friends told me that prior to arriving at the Latino student center party, some of these Negro males had just left a Black "house party" at folks' apartment where they had been "kicking it" with some Black female students!
It was interesting to note that the Negroes had the nerve to be irritated that my friends and I were there with Hispanic dates. One such Negro was even foolish enough to call himself "scolding" me about that the next week in class. [After I told him all about himself, he never approached me with that nonsense again. LOL.]
Anyhoo, you and other readers have inspired me to change my plans regarding the HBCU post. I'm going to publish it in a minute! It will be an interesting conversation.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Hi Khadija,
ReplyDeleteI'm white, but I think your comment on sociopaths is important. Sociopaths don't have feelings and passions the way normal people do, but from childhood they learn to imitate us and deceive us into thinking they are normal like us. I'm very intuitive and I have a gift for seeing through the masks that sociopaths wear.
The first one I ever saw was a (white) girl in a college hiking club. All the girls were competitive over one handsome boy, but this girl looked at me with those dead, inhuman eyes and made my blood run cold. This was not hot, passionate jealousy but icy plotting. During our hike she manipulated everyone to get as much time with him as possible and to get me away from him. I knew this guy was a total player and I didn't want him but I couldn't stop staring at her. How often do you see such a girl? When she saw me examining her she gave me one of the craziest, most hate-filled smiles I have ever seen. This is a constant with them; when they realize that you've figured them out they love taunting you with it. We were supposed to camp out but I didn't want to share a tent with her and went home.
The second sociopath I saw was when I worked at the counter of a bakery. A (black) man in a dress military uniform came in, and if his eyes were at all normal he'd have looked quite distinguished. When I first saw him I thought he was blind. But he saw very well out of eyes that looked like shiny glass beads, and his companions didn't notice. His voice was ice cold for all that he seemed cheerful and again I could not look away. When he noticed my frightened stare he coldly and calmly yet knowingly smiled. He was the spookiest person I've ever seen and although he never came back I was never comfortable there again.
My intuition didn't keep my from falling in love with a (white) sociopath and moving in with him. Psychiatrists who study them for a living, having been told ahead of time that a patient is a sociopath sometimes get fooled, so if a sociopath wants to trick you he will. H was the best looking man I've ever met with an incredible personality. But when I became doubtful about his fidelity he began to use gaslighting techniques to make me think I was crazy for not believing his stories. I loved him so much that I wanted to believe him even though doing so made me feel like I was losing my mind, but every now and then out of the corner of my eye I saw expressions on his face that were simply inhuman, almost like a shark or a snake. When I finally accepted what hw was and left it was incredibly painful because I still loved the man he pretended to be. But when I accepted the truth that I wasn't crazy except what came from him I left and have never regretted it.
Sociopaths are very prevalent in our society, and they don't want to change and cause immense damage. If you've been involved with one, go to http://lovefraud.com/ Go anyway just to lean the signs and spot the eye. at lease
'E' said:..."Truth is, the mass of black men do not like typical-looking black women, our supposed 'attitudes' or our looks. End of story. So move on. Find men who do like your looks and attitude. Plenty of white, Asian and other women have 'flaws' as well and they still have men after them and seeking them for serious relationships and marriage. I've attended the weddings of at least 5 or 6 white friends who can be rude, loud, nasty or other flaws and no one told them they had to overhaul themselves or 'fix themselves in any way for marriage. Everyone has flaws, not just black women. Don't believe the garbage black men like Steve Harvey put out there. They just want to keep a surplus harem of lonely, desperate black women to cook and clean and 'service' them until the next Becky, Lupe or Ming comes along. Let them go. Don't allow yourself to be a baby mama or a mammy when you'd rather be a fiance...."
ReplyDeleteExactly, all you have to do is watch a couple of episodes of 'Bridezilla' on the WE or Oxygen channels to see that
Thank you for the post Khadija. After reading Evia's, Sara's, Faith's, Rev. Lisa's and your blogs how can I ever go back to the scary time of being 'gaslighted'?
ReplyDeleteNo thank you. The scales dropped from my eyes a while back so...
I'm not like Evia, I want the scales to drop from all of the black women's eyes. No more precarious bliss! We need to see all deception for what it is, so that we can be safer.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteYes, there are MANY sociopaths running loose among the rest of us. What I find disturbing is the level of naivete that so many normal people have about this topic.
It seems to be very, very difficult for normal folks to get it through their heads that there's a percentage of the population that DOES NOT CARE at all about the harm they do to others.
So many normal people try to find "mitigating" explanations for this TOTAL lack of empathy or remorse (mental illness, So & So was abused themselves, etc.). Anything and everything except the very simple explanation that. Some. People. Are. Evil.
________________________
AK,
You're welcome!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Hello Khadija,
ReplyDeleteThis has unfortunately been a theme for me in the past. This is what I alluded to when I used the words "crazymaking" in some of my posts.
Personally, I have had family do this to me and I have had men do this to me and I have no words to describe how it can make you feel.
I think the key to this being so effective is that this "gaslighting" starts so young and many times it's done by those you trust/are taught to trust and whose opinions/approval you value.
Then its a piece of cake for it to occur on a mass level because you have already been groomed for it. Common sense is off and protective instincts are eroded/damaged.
I can't remember exactly, but I think there were some mind control experiments/studies conducted related to this to see if a person would go along with a group even though the group was obviously wrong and many people did.
Aphrodite,
ReplyDeleteYou said, "Then its a piece of cake for it to occur on a mass level because you have already been groomed for it. Common sense is off and protective instincts are eroded/damaged."
Hmmm..."groomed" to accept gaslighting. Interesting. I hadn't thought of that.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes."
ReplyDeleteI don't remember where I heard this line, but it is apropos.
Where do people learn to accept gas-lighting(aka being lied to)? In the home? At school? When one is taught to follow, gas-lighting is easy; which is why critical thinking skills are so important.
Peace
This describes my relationship with my family. especially My mother. I allowed myself to be drawn back to their circle after escaping , because I was not smart with my finances( worked from paycheck to paycheck ) and made few choices based on fear ( left the US).And Now i have to start all over again.
ReplyDeletethis post struck a chord in me. looking back at some events in my life i see that i have allowed myself to be 'gaslighted' numerous times. i used to get really confused trying to sort out if i had imagined the many negative experiences i've gone through. i have had really horrible experiences with black men and due to these experiences, i tend to keep my distance away from black men. i get asked questions and am called a racist or a self-hater a lot. when i try to answer questions by relating my experiences, in most cases i get told that they [my experiences] are not that bad or that such things did not happen because 'black men are not that bad'. i hardly get taken seriously till i explicitly outline all of my traumatic experiences which just is not good for my soul at all. in most cases i am trying to advice other black women but several seem to think that i am over-reacting or taking things too seriously. my head aches just thinking about that. thanks for this Khadija! this post jerked me awake.
ReplyDeleteSouthlandDiva,
ReplyDeleteYou said, "When one is taught to follow, gas-lighting is easy; which is why critical thinking skills are so important."
Exactly.
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Zindzhi,
We've all had moments where we allowed ourselves to be "gaslighted." It's normal to want to trust the people who are supposed to be closest to you. It takes up a lot of mental energy to constantly assess the question of "What does this person stand to gain/lose if I believe/think/do ___________?"
Because critical thinking takes up a LOT of mental energy, it's not easy (or always comfortable) to think like this on a regular basis. But, it's still necessary.
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Eccentricyoruba,
You're welcome!
Like I said, we've all had moments where we allowed ourselves to be "gaslighted." It takes time to reach a point of not feeling the need to "prove" uncomfortable truths/realities to other people. Another thing is that most women are raised to be overly polite (especially toward men). Most women aren't comfortable with taking the posture of "This is how it is/was, and if you don't get it, then you just don't get it."
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
"Gaslighting"...brilliant. Everything is rapidly coming together for me now. I need to take time and process all of this.
ReplyDeleteE.N.
Sticks and Stones - An Emotional Abuse Survivor's Blog
http://theemancipatedsurvivor.blogspot.com
Everyone, let me repeat: Profanity is NOT welcome here. Earlier today, I rejected a comment that contained the b-word. [The statement was "Karma is a b****."] I'm not going to edit comments, so comments containing profanity won't be posted.
ReplyDeletePeace and blessings.
E.N.,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
@ Aphrodite
ReplyDeleteI can't remember exactly, but I think there were some mind control experiments/studies conducted related to this to see if a person would go along with a group even though the group was obviously wrong and many people did.
This is the Milgram Experiment. People were told they were giving a hidden subject shocks of increasing intensity. And even though the subject was shrieking in pain, the people continued to apply the shock. They were more obedient to authority, even though they knew it was wrong. This experiment was originally done w/an actor who was faking the screams but they redid it with a dog so there was no faking. Even here, the people administered the shocks.
What was interesting was that the women were more compliant, refusing to disobey the monitor even though they were deeply shaken by the experiment. I think it's because women are typically "groomed" to follow authority, sometimes in unhealthy ways.
However, what's more chilling is the Stanford prison experiment. You should look at these on Wikipedia. It's scary, but it's important to understand.details.
Sorry, I got the two reversed. The group experiment is the Stanford one. The individual is the Milgram one. Both are pretty bad though.
ReplyDelete