Next Steps Along The Sojourners’ Path, Part 2

HERE'S  an excellent blog post for you to consider. Regarding these sorts of media issues, do you know what the underlying problem is? As far as I’m concerned, the underlying problem is that African-American (AA) women consume way too much media.

The vast majority of us watch FAR too much TV, we listen to too much radio, we spend too much time online. In short, like AA males, the vast majority of AA women are too plugged-in. And not cultivating their virtues, talents or charms.

Unlike the typical AA female zombie consumer who eagerly laps up anything at all that features Black-skinned faces—even when it’s something degrading—the Sojourners:

1. Don’t watch reality TV, Tyler Perry movies, Lee Daniels’ movies, Steve Harvey-related media, Rev. TD Jakes-related media,
2. Have no idea what folks are talking about at negro-slave-oriented gossip blogs.
3.  Have no idea what most negro slave celebrities are up to (because these are generally nonproductive people who aren’t doing anything worth knowing about).
4. Have no idea who the latest (c)rappers are or what they’re doing.

The Sojourners have more common sense than to waste their time with such mess. Sojourners know that the traditional opening strategy for many upstart, minimal-quality cable TV networks is to pimp the AA consumer zombies. These networks use cheap, low-quality Black-oriented programming to build an initial audience of faithful AA consumer zombies.

After establishing a stable base audience of AA consumer zombie-viewers, the cable network uses the financial base created by AA slave viewers to develop more expensive programming designed to appeal to their true target audience: White viewers.

Once the new network develops a stable of programs favored by a sizeable audience of White viewers, the network then discards the AA consumer zombies and the Black-oriented shows used to attract AA consumer zombies. The network throws the slaves away like yesterday's trash. Two good examples of this strategy are the WB Television Network and UPN. From the Wikipedia entry about the WB Television Network (emphasis in bold):

The network's first programs were mostly sitcoms targeted at an ethnically black audience, though several series during the network's first five years were also targeted at families.

Even though four of the five shows that debuted in the netlet's first nine months – The Wayans Bros., Unhappily Ever After, The Parent 'Hood and Sister, Sister (the latter of which was picked up by the network after being cancelled by ABC) – were renewed beyond the first year, none of them made a significant impact. The WB expanded its programming on Sunday nights for the 1995–1996 season, but none of the new shows (including the Kirk Cameron vehicle Kirk and night-time soap opera Savannah) managed to garner much viewing interest.

From the Wikipedia entry about UPN (emphasis in bold):

Other notable UPN programs during the network's existence included The Sentinel, Moesha, Star Trek: Enterprise, WWE SmackDown, America's Next Top Model, Girlfriends, the Moesha spin-off The Parkers, Veronica Mars and Everybody Hates Chris. In the summer of 2005, UPN aired R U the Girl, in which R&B group TLC searched for a woman to join them on a new song. The network also produced some special programs, including 2001's Iron Chef USA. From 1996 to 2006, much of UPN's comedy programming for the remainder of the network's run (particularly those seen on the network's Monday evening lineup) was largely aimed at African-American audiences (with minor exceptions in shows such as Clueless, DiResta and Head Over Heels).

Like I said, the Sojourners know better than to watch the type of mess that the typical AA consumer zombie is watching. But one lingering issue I’ve noticed even among the Sojourners is that many of us are still consuming too much media. At the end of the day, media consumption is a passive activity. It’s the inferior experience of watching somebody else play tennis as opposed to playing tennis yourself.

The greater rewards in life come from spending less time in passive activities, and more time actively living life.         

 

Next Steps Along The Sojourners’ Path, Part 1

As I watch events continue to play out as I predicted several years ago, I thought now would be a good time to discuss some next steps for those of us who are Sojourners. We’ve already got the basics covered:

(1) We’ve left Blackistan to reside in much safer and supportive areas.

(2) We work toward actively protecting our physical and mental health with consciously-chosen healthier diets, regular exercise, and plenty of self-pampering.

(3) We’ve cleansed our social circles of male-identified women, damaged-beyond-repair individuals of either gender, along with anybody else who is unable or unwilling to reciprocate our fellowship and support.

(4) We’re forming as many mutually supportive relationships (of all kinds, romantic, friendship, religious fellowship, and so on) and networks as possible. Our relationships and interactions are based on reciprocity, not race or color. We support those people who support us. We don’t support people who don’t support us. We especially don’t support people who hate us.

We naturally gravitate toward reciprocating relationships, and away from one-sided relationships. We didn’t need a sermon to explain to us why we should not financially support Precious, Red Tails, D’Jango Unchained, The Butler, Tyler Perry flicks, etc. Because we highly value ourselves, we are automatically repulsed at the notion of giving money to people who hate us.

(5) We work toward developing additional, location-independent income streams for ourselves.

What next? Here are a few suggestions:

Become Even More Proactive About Preserving Your Health and Food Security

It’s never a good time to be sick. In this era of economic collapse, it’s an especially bad time to be sick. It’s an especially bad time to be an AA woman who treats hypertension or early onset diabetes as some sort of rite of passage. There will be more news stories like this one from the past couple of months: Cries of Betrayal as Detroit Plans to Cut Pensions.

This news story features something we’ll see more of as each day passes: A 73 year old African-American (AA) lady who is caring for a more or less invalid BM husband who needs dialysis 3x per week. Multiply that type of set-up (1 or more adults depending on ONE elderly AA woman who's carrying their burdens for them) by literally millions of AA women. It reminds me of a recent comment to this post at another blog by a commenter named Oshun (partial quote from comment #9):

. . . It seems like all the people I used to know even people in my family are on the razor’s edge. (Knock hard on wood) Underemployed or unemployed + DBR BM and BW who keep having babies like it is 1945 and we are going through an economic boom = disaster.

 

I have mule aunts who work full time and have nothing to show for it. They keep coming around asking for financial help and food because they are supporting DBR family who do nothing, but leech and keep up drama and discord and have babies. These women are too young for assistance late 40s- 50s and make too much money according to the poverty scale, but they are drowning.

 

They have taken in a lot of DBRs (sons usually) and their baby mamas, and toddlers and newborns. And the suffering is palatable.

 

I have one aunt who is supporting her son, his wife, and their two children. Sometimes their utilities are on and sometimes not. Sometimes the rent gets paid and sometimes it is 4 months behind.

 

I am not an advocate for aid, but they need to apply for it. And they won’t. They won’t even try to get food stamps, which is the least they could do, and then buy food for the whole house. They also will not clean or cook and then will cuss her out. So she comes over here hunting for food.

 

Then the people on her job are trying to force her out because they want to use temp workers not people they have to pay benefits too. If she loses her job she is up crap creek and so are they.

 

My next door 40 something neighbor is one of the sorriest things I have ever seen. He has moved in with his grandmother and is leeching off of her because I guess it is so hard out there that baby mamas and desperate women are putting these men out. I am noticing a phenomenon where DBRs are just piling up on older female family members like never before. . . .

 

The Mammy Mules whose lives are mostly filled with non-reciprocating parasites are being wiped out as we speak. The DBRs in their lives are piling up on them; and now they’ve got multiple adult parasites sleeping on their couches. As the Mammy Mules continue drowning, they’re going to try to grab hold of any nearby functional Black person. Get clear of the Mammy Mules before they drag you down with them.

Become Even More Proactive About Preserving Your Health

For those who are healthy, work to prevent unnecessary illness by making nutritional and fitness changes whose positive benefits are supported by peer-reviewed medical research.

For those who are dealing with a health challenge, use conventional medical treatments as the foundation of what one is doing while exploring alternative practices that might be helpful.

Let me emphasize this point. I repeat: Any nutritional, fitness-related, etc. regimen should be an adjunct to, NOT a replacement for, conventional medical treatments. There are a lot of snake oil peddlers who slap the words “natural,” “holistic,” “vegetarian,” “herbal,” “macrobiotic,” etc. onto their products in order to make sales.

There are also a lot of people who have semi-food cults operating.

None of this is what I'm talking about.

A now-deceased colleague initially played the herbal, “holistic,” and prayer game instead of surgery and other conventional treatments for her breast cancer. As I mentioned years ago in an earlier post, SHE IS DEAD because of this. She died after several years of suffering.

She suffered and died after the cancer spread. She allowed the cancer to spread by her initial refusal to accept conventional medical treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. She spent many months after diagnosis doing the “holistic,” “natural,” “prayer-based,” etc. practices instead of conventional treatments.

She gambled. She lost. She paid with intense physical suffering. She paid with her life. I would urge folks not to make the same mistake. Don't reject the blessings that God has created by allowing medical and scientific knowledge to advance.

From what I've read, traditional Eastern forms of medicine deal with the body's physical environment. With cultivating the patient's internal physical environment in a way that prevents disease processes from taking root and growing in that “soil.” This only makes sense in the context of before a medical crisis (such as cancer, etc.) has developed.

Conventional, Western medicine deals with health issues at the point of crisis. After a condition has developed. Conventional, Western medicine is superior for treating acute, medical crises.

The M.D./Ph.D. who wrote the book Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life (who is also a cancer survivor himself, by the way) talked about the peer-reviewed medical research indicating that it takes a matter of years for a person's body to create a cancerous tumor. It's estimated that it takes 5-40 years for a cancer cell to become a cancer tumor.

There are internal processes that support this growth (such as creation of blood vessels to divert nutrients to the developing cancer tumor, etc.).

What this author is talking about is basically keeping one's internal soil clean of cancer “weeds” by making nutritional and other changes that interrupt the tumor-generating process. There are certain compounds within various foods that hinder a cancer cell's ability to “hijack” and grow new blood vessels for its own use.

The point of all of the prevention methods that are supported by peer-reviewed medical research are to block the internal processes that enable dangerous conditions to develop. Prevention only works to the extent that a person catches the situation before an internal weed (such as a cancerous tumor) has taken root and developed. If you wait until after a medical condition develops in order to make nutritional and other changes, it's not prevention anymore. At that point, you need reputable, conventional medical treatment.

Once the medical condition is present, I believe that it's best to seek out conventional, Western medical treatment. And only use other things as an adjunct to, not a replacement for, conventional medical treatments.

Due to peak oil and economic collapse, there will come a day when the current, high-tech, energy-intensive medical treatments will only be available to the super-rich. There will be a day when most of us have to depend on herbal remedies and prevention for our health. It’s wise to learn about such things while they’re still optional.

It’s also wise to get some measure of control over your food. And, for your own health, to get away from industrialized food as much as possible. Which leads me to gardening.

Get Proactive About Your Food Security With Personal Food Forests and Victory Gardens

Sojourners need to take note of how savvy Whites are creating food forests to ensure their families’ and neighborhoods’ survival. They’re also talking about hidden survival gardens. A group in Seattle is taking action on food forests. There’s going to be a lot of real hunger in the U.S. as time goes by. Most AAs will be “perpetually surprised” (as veteran Common Sense blogger Evia calls the behavior pattern) as they starve.

The majority of AAs will be perpetually surprised that there won’t be any additional government programs put in place to rescue them from starvation. They’ll also be surprised to see the dialysis centers (that are conveniently located in AA areas) and other medical care designed to treat ailments caused by lifestyle choices (such as obesity-related ailments) disappear. They will be perpetually surprised that the U.S. government prefers to spend what little money it has left on wars, and not on propping up the dysfunctional AA collective.

Meanwhile, the Sojourners and other sensible people will continue thriving.

Addendum

Here's a comment to the latest Archdruid Report post that gives an idea of how fragile the modern hi-tech medical system truly is:

  Bogatyr said...

I posted this a few days ago, but it doesn't seem to have gone through...

Kyrgyztan: Alternative medicine tries to fill healthcare gap

For all the discussion of resistance to antibiotics, the process of manufacturing and delivering medicines of all kinds is long and complex.

In Greece, pharmaceuticals are unavailable because pharmacies can't afford them. Here in the UK, we almost ran out a few years ago because they come into the country by air, and all shipments stopped when Eyjafjallajokull erupted.

Modern medicine apparently collapsed in Kyrgyzstan with the fall of the Soviet empire. Catabolic collapse in the West means the same may happen to us.

9/2/13, 11:27 AM

Ladies, carry on with optimizing your lives!

Recognizing The True Value Of A “Mrs.” Degree ≠ Devaluing Single Women

Former blog readers often send me links to various online discussions that are taking place among Black women. Apparently, there’s another round of The Marriage Wars being fought among some African-American (AA) women online. The Marriage Wars are similar to The Natural Hair Wars. Which are similar to The Obesity Wars.

Some people are discovering that it’s very, very, VERY difficult to hold a productive conversation about important issues among AAs. In part because the slave programming causes many (not all) AAs to deliberately get everything all twisted around into something dysfunctional. As veteran Common Sense blogger Evia  (blog host of Black Female Interracial Marriage ezine listed on my blogroll) mentioned years ago, there’s a metaphorical computer “chip” embedded in many AA women’s minds. This chip contains all the new school (read = dysfunctional) AA cultural brainwashing that programs AA women to self-sabotage their own lives:

“Help a brother out.” [Even though the vast majority of these so-called brothers never reciprocate. BM are not looking out for BW. And they don’t help BW out.]

“[I don’t want] Nuthin’ but a Black man.” [Even though Black men have made it clear that they don’t and won’t restrict their dating, mating or marriage options to Black women.]

And so on with obsolete, self-defeating thought patterns. The “chip” works overtime to distort any message that’s contrary to this core programming. So most AA women can’t accurately hear self-actualizing messages. They get many things twisted. Twisted in such a way to ultimately support the self-sabotage chip’s program.

The other part of why it’s very, very, VERY difficult to hold a productive conversation about important issues among AAs is due to the free-floating hatred, rage and aggression that exists among AAs. Most AAs have been programmed to fear lashing out/showing out on nonblacks. So they save their venom for other Blacks.

Yet another part of why it’s very, very, VERY difficult to hold a productive conversation about important issues among AAs is due to many AA blog hosts’ refusal to set and enforce boundaries to the conversations. They refuse to do what is necessary to make their online spaces safe places for AA women to discuss sensitive issues. All of the above is why most attempts to have serious discussions about life and death issues among AAs devolve into one big mess.

Anyhoo, back in August 2009, the issue of The Marriage Wars among AA women came up during the comments to THIS POST. I feel that it’s worth repeating some of these comments now:

lisa99 said...

 

Regarding the comments about marriage supremacy/the MRS degree and all that...

I was on a mostly BW discussion forum where the article about marriage eluding high-achieving black women was being discussed. The usual red herrings about the stats not reflecting those who choose to be single or who are co-habitating and lesbians were thrown around, but then someone (a never-married single woman) added that she was tired of hearing about these desperate black women always complaining about not having a man and that she didn't know any single BW like that... that her circle of friends enjoyed their freedom, their disposable income, trips around the world, designer clothes, etc.

An argument ensued when another never-married woman said those things could not replace a husband and children in her life, and the first single woman got very upset, calling the comment "snobbish." She went on to say that how dare the second woman speak for all single black women and that she and her friends were happy with all of the trappings of single life and all.

The second one repeated that she was not criticizing the choice of the first person and her friends, but that for black women who wanted to marry, they should be able to express that and should not have to be satisfied with "freedom" and material things in place of a husband and family.

What I found interesting was how quickly the long-term single women -- who insisted they were fine with their choices -- took offense at the article and the single women who said they'd prefer not to be single. On one hand, members of the first group might have felt that their lives have been devalued by the outside world because they haven't married (whether by choice or not), but at the same time, many of them turn around and like to put single BW who express a strong desire to marry into a "weak-minded, needy, desperate, can't live without a man," box... thus making some of those women feel they need to then break out the SBW persona and prove that they're "okay" with singleness and try to pretend that they really do love all those "benefits" of being single.

I was caught in that trap for a few years... yes, being single was cool, but I knew I desired marriage sooner rather than later. Saying that around certain groups of black women (usually never-married older professionals, but a few older married ones too), however, was a no-no because they'd then seem to have the need to make it feel like I was somehow buying into "society's" idea that I couldn't exist without a man.

Finally, I started living according to my truths and my desires, and I accepted to myself that the Sex and the City-type lifestyle (minus much of the sex, in my case) was NOT what I wanted. I wanted a husband and children, and I wasn't going to let other BW who might not have either deter me from that.

I'm all for more promotion of BW seeking a MRS degree (done subtlely, as Evia says), and using the low marriage stats as motivation to seek marriage, if that's what BW want. And they should be free to express that's what they want without other BW arguing them down.

August 28, 2009 at 8:27 AM

 

Khadija said...

Roslyn,

You said, "We want our kids in schools with people with similar values because we know this is where their first dating/mating opportunities will occur. You don't want your kid going to school with trash because you don't want your kid laying down with trash. I don't think it's something many AAs think about, but I can assure you other groups do."

AAs don't consider these issues because we've programmed ourselves to condemn the very idea of making any sort of assessments when it comes to low- and non-functioning people. So, we throw our children to the wolves in order to avoid being perceived as "bougie snobs."
________________________

Evia,

You said, "Khadija, I've heard bw offline say this too. I know that some people online may view me as a "marriage supremacist"--not saying you do. However the main reason I promote marriage nonstop is because I and my children live well TOTALLY because of my marriages to 2 Quality men. I've been marriage almost all of my adult life and I've grown so tired of other AA women hating on me because of--what they refer to as--"my easy life." So I'm in essence saying to them that maybe they should try to make the same moves that I did and their lives might just be easier too. Marriage to a Quality person clearly has lots of benefits, but I'm in no way saying that any woman should get married if she doesn't want to marry."

Well, I've ALSO been promoting marriage. LOL! There's a difference between what you're saying above and what most AA women do. You're pointing out the benefits of marriage. AA women tend to use the status of "got a man/kids" or "ain't got no man/kids" to measure the value of themselves and their time and other women and other women's time.

What some women are rejecting is the idea of accepting condescending put-downs from married women or mothers. These insults come in many forms.

One example is many married women's and mothers' frequent assumption that unmarried women have what one single friend calls "idle time and idle minds."

This leads to the married/mothers making assumptions that the single friend/relative has nothing better to do than to babysit their kids, run errands for them, or for those who are politically inclined, participate in activist struggles that the married/mothers say they don't have time to attend.

[I had to go off on one married friend who made this assumption one time too many, and kept trying to sweat me into attending political activities that she felt were important. Of course, she couldn't go because she was too busy with her kids. Finally, I told her, "You must think that I don't have s*^% else to do with my time but to follow through on YOUR political priorities. No, I DON'T have idle time and an idle mind."]

For another example, if I had a dime for every time a married or parenting BW assumed that she had more "life experience" than me, I would be independently wealthy. What I get is "Oh, you were wise to say/do ___________. That's why I assumed you were married." BW say and think these sorts of things as if "wisdom" (such as it is) comes from marriage and childbirth.

A number of women are sick of disrespectful treatment like the above, and are rejecting it.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

August 28, 2009 at 8:40 AM

Khadija said...

Lisa99,

I co-sign your comment. I've also seen the weird dynamics that you're describing. Other BW (including the "single mama mafia" who insist that single parenting is just as good as married parenting) have given me the side-eye and worse over the years for promoting the value of marriage.

I think it's critical that we de-tangle and separate the promotion of marriage from the disrespectful, insulting beliefs that many AA women hold.

The legitimate importance, value and benefits of an MRS degree need to be un-coupled from the disrespect of "You and your life ain't s&%$ because you ain't got no man/kids." Right now, it's all mixed up together and I think the demeaning portion of the message is what's causing many women to verbally balk when they hear marriage being promoted.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

August 28, 2009 at 8:52 AM

lisa99 said...

The legitimate importance, value and benefits of an MRS degree need to be un-coupled from the disrespect of "You and your life ain't s&%$ because you ain't got no man/kids." Right now, it's all mixed up together and I think the demeaning portion of the message is what's causing many women to verbally balk when they hear marriage being promoted.

EXACTLY! And being that I'm still unmarried (although I plan for that to change soon), I get this a lot too from married women... I know that at my first job, our boss (who actually was an unmarried WW, but most of the offenders were married) would constantly give me and the woman on staff who was a lesbian in a committed relationship extra work to do... work usually first assigned to the married workers who declared they were taking off for their anniversaries or children's recitals and soccer games.

I wasn't mad at the married workers' desire to do such, but I finally put my foot down about picking up their work. When I'd get asked to stay around last minute, I'd go, "Sorry, I already made plans." (Usually to sit on my couch and eat ice cream!)

They learned quickly that they needed to shift their workloads quickly to make the married workers cover their load on days when they didn't have family commitments instead of just assuming that the unmarried women would just do it.

And don't get me started on the black folks (mostly men) who've constantly asked me WHY I'm not married since I was 22. (22!!!) Yet if I later express a desire to marry to other black folks, they say, "Girl, you betta stay single and not be running up behind some man all the time."

Ugh, it's maddening! :)

August 28, 2009 at 9:08 AM

Karen said...

Honestly the responses/attacks on those that want to marry sound pretty schizophrenic....

Schizophrenia (Merriam-Webster Dictionary):

2 : contradictory or antagonistic qualities or attitudes

Everyone is on point with their remarks and things need to be separated to focus on the benefits of marriage for those who want to be and to respect the decisions of those who don't.

August 28, 2009 at 10:34 AM

 

DeStouet said...

"The legitimate importance, value and benefits of an MRS degree need to be un-coupled from the disrespect of "You and your life ain't s&%$ because you ain't got no man/kids." Right now, it's all mixed up together and I think the demeaning portion of the message is what's causing many women to verbally balk when they hear marriage being promoted."

Exactly! And I appreciate your honesty, because I've witnessed several of these conversations in-real-life and both groups (the married women and those who are not married and have no intentions) are hostile with one another.

It'll always be one woman who'll say as Evia said, "One size does not fit ALL. " But other than that, the married women are trying to convince the single women that they should be in the market for a husband. And the single women are trying to convince the married women that not every woman wants a husband and children.

(Also, this discussion will help me come up with my own unique approach on how to to be an response for marriage, and all of its many benefits --especially when speaking to young AA women. Because at the moment, I don't say much during those discussions.

August 28, 2009 at 10:35 AM

 

lisa99 said...

22!? who the hell marries at 22??
at that age you're suppose to be in college trying to FIND a husband.
I personally think 22 is too young.
i'm 21 and i can't imagine being married until i am atleast 25-27.

It was some BM jack-leg preacher who made that silly statement to me... I say jack-leg because he gave me his business card and it had a P.O. Box as an address.

The only reason I even was speaking to this man was because I was stuck in the airport after a snowstorm. I had just come back from a study abroad in Europe, and I "thought" this man was interested in my trip... then he interrupts me to ask, "Why haven't I given my hand in marriage to some young man?"

I was so caught off guard, that I didn't know what to say.

I know I'm getting off topic, but I have found that more DBRBM will strike up a random conversation with me, and then in an effort to show their "interest," they'll say, "So why aren't you married yet?"

It puts BW in a very defensive stance, if they aren't prepared for it and don't realize they're dealing with a DBR... and in a way, I can see how some of this helps to develop and add to a defensive stance when someone else tries to discuss the benefits of marriage in a non-judgmental way.

August 28, 2009 at 5:46 PM

Khadija said...

Karen,

You said, "Honestly the responses/attacks on those that want to marry sound pretty schizophrenic...."

It IS schizophrenic. But what it all boils down to is yet another example of the widespread free-floating aggression against and between AA women. What one notices is that there's no "win" for some folks regarding AA women.

No matter what an AA woman is doing...for whatever motivation...she will often come under attack. And sometimes the attack(s) will take contradictory positions. It's crazy. And crazy-making for those who let the attacks into their hearts and minds.
_______________________

DeStouet,

You said, "Exactly! And I appreciate your honesty, because I've witnessed several of these conversations in-real-life and both groups (the married women and those who are not married and have no intentions) are hostile with one another."

My take on it that there's a LOT of free-floating HATRED among AA women. And this free-floating hate and aggression manifests in many different ways, and along many different dimensions-----be it class, skin color, marital status, educational status, etc., etc. etc.

You said, "It'll always be one woman who'll say as Evia said, "One size does not fit ALL. " But other than that, the married women are trying to convince the single women that they should be in the market for a husband. And the single women are trying to convince the married women that not every woman wants a husband and children."

I think you're being charitable in your description of the motives. I don't think that anybody is trying to convince others of anything in most of these sorts of conversations. It looks to me like it's mostly a game of one-upmanship. The unfortunate reality is that BW do a LOT of ugly things among and to each other.

August 28, 2009 at 6:34 PM

Khadija said...

Part 2

Shecodes,

Well, this is interesting because it ties into the previous "gaslighting" discussion. I trust my impressions of what I see and hear happening around me. I reject gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation. I would suggest that other women also trust their impressions of what's going on around them. And I strongly urge other women to also reject attempts at gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

From my perspective, there's a LOT of free-floating hatred and aggression going on among and between Black folks. Similarly, there's a LOT of free-floating hatred and aggression going on among and between BW.

And the pattern of how this hatred and aggression manifests is basically the same, no matter what particular dimension/attribute. This is part of what I've learned from observing aggression that's directed at me and aggression that's directed at others. So, I trust my own observations whether or not a particular form of aggression is personally directed toward me or not.

In plain terms, I don't have to be the one who's being knocked in the head with a bat to recognize what that kind of attack looks like. I can also recognize the hostile intentions that go into hitting other people over the head with a bat. And of course, if I can recognize when other folks are being hit in the head with a bat, I can recognize when I'm being hit in the head with a bat.

No matter how people try to explain away the fact that somebody was attacked with a bat. No matter how they try to explain away the fact that it was an attack:

"I/they just have a preference for swinging bats in close proximity to other people's heads. I/they didn't mean to hurt them...

...People are coming from a place of deep fear if they interpret my choice to swing a bat near their/somebody else's head as an attack...

...A secure person would not feel the need to defend their personal space around their head from a swinging bat...

...All we need is love and then folks won't read negative things into the bat swings 2 mm away from their heads..."

{chuckling} Ummm...no. I trust my own observations of the various "bat-wielding" attacks going on among and between Black folks and BW.


I trust my own observations of the escalating colorism within the AA collective. When BW get smacked in the head with the colorism bat, I call it an attack.

I trust my own observations of the class-based hateration/snobbery that flies around in all directions within the AA collective. When Black folks engage in class-based, bat-wielding free-for-alls, I call it a gang attack.

I trust my own observations of the "got a man" one-upmanship and put-downs that go on among BW. So when I see BW being smacked in the head with the "you ain't got no man" bat, I call it an attack.

Now, this last form of attack is what came up during this conversation, but there are other forms of family-based attacks. There's also the one-upmanship and subtle put-downs of vocally "measuring" other women's children against one's own children. There's also the one-upmanship and subtle put-downs of vocally "measuring" one's husband/boyfriend against other women's husband/boyfriend. I've watched BW engage in the "my catch is better than your catch" game.

The attributes that AAs hit other AAs in the head about are literally endless. Not all of these have come up during these conversations. And I don't expect all of them come be mentioned with specificity because the list is endless.

But, let me repeat my bottom line about ALL of these types of attacks: I've seen more than enough attacks to recognize them when I see/hear them. I trust my own observations. I reject gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

I suggest that other women trust their own observations and experiences. And I strongly urge other women to also reject attempts at gaslighting, no matter what its source or motivation.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

August 28, 2009 at 6:41 PM

Khadija said...

Lisa99,

You said, " know I'm getting off topic, but I have found that more DBRBM will strike up a random conversation with me, and then in an effort to show their "interest," they'll say, "So why aren't you married yet?"

It puts BW in a very defensive stance, if they aren't prepared for it and don't realize they're dealing with a DBR... and in a way, I can see how some of this helps to develop and add to a defensive stance when someone else tries to discuss the benefits of marriage in a non-judgmental way."

This isn't off-topic. It's all connected to the angle we've started talking about. Predatory men KNOW women's points of vulnerability/insecurity. They know where these emotional "pressure points" are located, and know how to tweak these points to knock the women they want to prey on off balance. You will notice that the Internet Ike Turners and Ikettes also use this "you/she ain't got no man" pressure point to attack various BW.*

[*As if they have any way of knowing what's going on with a stranger's life. Especially if that stranger chooses not to broadcast the details of her personal life. It reminds me of how a few random Negroes that I refused to date in college thought they would hurt my feelings by accusing me of being a lesbian. LOL!]

A sister that did a series of YouTube videos ("Ask Alexyss"---warning she's extremely vulgar and graphic) mentioned this point in her "Church Predators" video. As she explained: Predatory men know women's weaknesses better than most women know themselves!

This is why BM predators have scoped out churches as prime hunting grounds. They know that many BW go to church looking for solace because they're hurting. They know that BW are more likely to let their guards (and panties) down quicker with a Negro who pretends to be a "God-fearing man." They know that these hurting BW in these churches are desperate to believe that they (the BM predator) is a "God-fearing man" sent to them by God.

The predators know ALL of this and use this knowledge to their advantage in sexing and then discarding a series of BW in church. Incidentally, this sort of thing is the reason why my friend's church has BANNED dating between members of the church's singles ministry.

So, yes, those of us who are promoting marriage should be cautious about not sounding like this DBRBM line of attack when we're "spreading the gospel" about the benefits of marriage.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

August 29, 2009 at 7:11 AM

Anyone who wants to optimize their lifestyle needs to learn how to take whatever’s useful FOR THEM from a discussion and leave the rest. It’s not wise for AABW to imitate AA males’ various reality-denying attempts at saving face. Marriage does matter. Forming stable families does matter and does shape the future of individuals, ethnic groups, and entire nations.

Let me repeat a thought experiment I mentioned several years ago.

Years ago, when I still read a few Black-love/Black unity blogs, one AA male commenter stated that he felt BW were being “programmed” to artificially want marriage; and asked somebody to explain what “real” value marriage has.

I asked him to do the following thought experiment. To picture himself becoming homeless as a result of a Katrina-like emergency, or something that lasted longer such as The Great Depression. I asked him, among the following list of persons, who would be most likely to feel some obligation to help him and take him in during such an emergency? And who would be most likely to feel obligated to help him over the long run?

1-Total strangers?
2-Neighbors?
3-Work acquaintances?
4-Friends?
5-His jumpoff’s parents and extended family members?
6-His casual girlfriend’s parents and extended family members?
7-His baby mama’s parents and extended family members?
8-His wife’s parents and extended family members?

He didn’t have an answer. Over the years, I’ve been amazed by the numbers of AAs who don’t see the obvious connection between the mass AA refusal to form families and problems like homelessness among AAs, etc. We seem to expect others to create and fund endless government programs to accommodate our mass refusal to create stable families. It’s crazy.

All of these various dysfunction-subsidizing programs WILL be cut off.

Government programs designed to pick up the slack for an empty space where a missing husband and father is supposed to be will be cut off. Government programs that are designed to pick up the slack for an empty space where an extended family based on a network of adult married couples is supposed to be will be cut off.

This economy can’t sustain the continued existence of all these programs that are essentially used to replace the family. And marriage is the basic building block of stable family ties.

Extended families that are composed of multiple generations of single women and their illegitimate children are less resilient than extended families that contain generations of men who are husbands and fathers.

Extended families that are composed of multiple generations of single women and their illegitimate children are more physically vulnerable than extended families that contain generations of men who are husbands and fathers.

These are basic realities. Wishing them away won't change them.

I haven’t been saying any of these things (about the value of marriage; about obesity; etc.) to hurt other AA women’s feelings. I’ve been saying these things because I want AA women to live. And to LIVE WELL. The choice has always been yours.
 

You can do like negro males and focus on saving face (and the fact that some—not all, not most—messengers have negative motives mixed up into their statements) . . . while your quality of life continues to deteriorate. And in some cases, while you lose your health and ultimately your life.

Or you can focus on doing what’s necessary to live well. Whatever “living well” means to YOU as an individual.