“Just Hair” — NOT!

Breukelen Bleu recently held an extremely important (and uncomfortable/painful for many) conversation during THIS Facebook post. I would strongly urge you to read through the entire discussion.

Like many other readers, I also felt a combination of mixed emotions while browsing through the Chocolate Hair Vanilla Care (CHVC) site:

• sadness at how BW have failed to go THAT hard in celebrating their Black daughters’ natural hair texture;
• admiration at how this Becky has created an income stream from showcasing and celebrating her adopted Black daughter’s natural hair;
• pleasure at seeing the dozens of photographs of various hairstyles;
• curiosity about learning how to do the dozens of natural hairstyles featured in the photos;
• taken aback at the “hateration” comments from readers who (for understandable emotional reasons) completely missed the point of Breukelen Bleu’s Facebook post and comments.

When invited and challenged to provide some links to websites where BW have taken the showcasing of their daughters’ [so-called] 4-c texture hair to the SAME level as this WW, these dissenters couldn’t provide a single link thus far (at the time of publishing this post).

Side note—I can’t stand a [gay BM stylist-invented] hair classification system that puts the most authentically Black hair texture last with bone straight White/Asian-type hair placed at number one. I find it significant that so many BW have voluntarily adopted a hair classification numerical system that puts their hair last without any questions, concerns, or angst. Nobody stopped us from reversing those numbers and putting our hair FIRST among human equals.

Just like everybody else, I see the droves of Natural Hair Jihadi-BW drooling over (and trying to find the latest hair grease in hopes of acquiring) biracial-texture, loose curls that are NOT their natural hair texture.

I got a lump in my throat when I read this comment:

 

Yes, due to lack of knowledge about natural hair care and styles, there have been (and still are) legions of BW slapping unflattering, substandard hairdos on their daughters’ heads that they would never wear themselves. The contrast between that widespread pathetic state of affairs versus the CHVC Becky modeling the same hairdos she puts on her adopted Black daughter’s head is breathtaking.

Breukelen Bleu asked an important question during THIS Facebook conversation.

“. . . The question that I have for everyone - those who agree with my stance on this topic and those who dont...

WHY is that it takes BECKYS presence on the scene, before black women are willing to face some of OUR shit - like our "hair" shit? "Its Just Hair" until Lily White Jessica shows up, and then all of a sudden its of major importance? I been in this natural hair game for a long time - over two decades - and I have had MANY a heated discussion with black woman about why our hair is so important and why what we do with it DOES matter. I've even gotten kicked off of natural hair sites for trying to talk about the natural hair communities obsession with curl pattern and length. I sat and watch black women GO IN on Blue Ivy and her mother, Gabby Douglas, Willow Smith and a number of other little black girls who hair didnt meet our respectability protocols. Yet the ONLY time there seems to be all of this angst in favor of our hair being something 'special', is when a white woman shows up on the scene. [ ] . . . Ive done many posts on black womens relationship with our hair. Its interesting tho that the ones that always seem to get so heated, are the ones where Becky is some how present.

I wonder why that is?”

One reader gave an answer (emphasis in bold):

o    Shakti Atn Ra Eugenia you're hilarious! That pic is everything. Breukelen I'm gonna hazard a response to your question based on my non existent psychology background. wink emoticon BW who found your original post problematic and who get up in arms anytime Becky makes an appearance in whatever the topic is, are being triggered. If you're an emotionally, psychologically, spiritually & mentally healthy BW, Becky's presence, her words, her whatever, shouldn't make you bat an eyelash. It should be a non factor. Who the fuck on planet earth is greater than ME? Not a goddamned body, so I govern myself accordingly. Many BW talk that talk but the truth is revealed just under the surface. Hurt feelings. Low self esteem. Obsessive external focus on what everybody else is doing, saying, etc.

Folks missing the message cause they got triggered by Becky's presence. Like she's the point. She's not. If anything, that site is a vehicle to a bigger point, but not the main point itself. Folks missed that because they're obsessed by her. That obsession is so pathological that they don't even see how deeply enamored they are by her & as a result project those feelings onto others claiming that those others are the one with the obsession. Psychology 101.

Anyhoo, it's obvious that many BW need serious help in many basic areas of the Game of Life. And I ain't mad about that cause that's intentional. And many of us aren't even aware of the war games to even begin to have basic defense against them. Like you said, those who are ready, will progress and will finally fucking WIN. Those who aren't ready? Oh well. Too slow, you blow.

6 · 9 hrs · Edited

I agree with the reader’s assessment that Becky’s presence or involvement is “triggering” for many BW. I also think there are some other aspects to this that haven’t been mentioned yet.

Nowadays, Becky is so very “triggering” for so many BW because African-Americans (and by extension, African-American BW) are literally at the end of the road. Nowadays, “the funk is uncut” for AABW. All the illusions previous generations of AA women used to comfort themselves and cushion the emotional blows received from a hostile world have been stripped from us.

The illusion that “we’re all in it together with BM” has been shattered by African-American (AA) BM’s past three decades of publicly denigrating BW.

The illusion that AABM had any affection or appreciation for BW has been shattered by the droves of BM who avidly sought access to White vaginas as soon as they were free enough to do so without being immediately lynched.

AABW’s ability to regroup from the outer world into the emotional comfort zone and safety net of marriage and wholesome family life has been destroyed by 40+ years of mass AA out-of-wedlock childbearing (= 40+ years of BM’s refusal to marry the BW they have sex with and impregnate).

In short, ALL the emotional sanctuaries and safe places that previous generations of AABW could use to rest weary and wounded spirits have been destroyed.

Anybody’s who been backed into an emotional corner by snarling wolves (the non-stop War On BW) is going to feel “triggered.” And will lash out in an attempt to protect themselves (and save face). And this is where the negative impact of BM comes into play.

The heavy, prolonged and ongoing damage that BM have done to BW’s psyches can’t be left out of these sorts of conversations. It’s like Chris Rock doing a mockumentary about BW’s hair issues while pretending not to know that BW seek so-called “good hair” in order to appeal to negro males like himself who place a premium on Whiter-looking women with so-called “good hair.”

The only validation of beauty that really counts for straight women and girls is that which they get from straight men and boys. Becky floats through life with self-confidence in her type of beauty because Becky’s beauty is validated by Brad (WM) AND by the various men of color that Brad has conquered, especially by conquered BM across the planet such as Tyrone, Delroy and Nnamdi.

AABW are the only women who are expected to somehow develop self-confidence and self-esteem in the total absence of their type of beauty being validated by the males of their group.

The bottom line is that any AABW who restricts herself to Black social environments will find herself backed into an emotional corner. Because such BW are seeking respect, appreciation and celebration from males (Black males) who are incapable of appreciating ANY BW who looks like a typical BW.*

[*Which touches on another important point Breukelen Bleu raised during another Facebook conversation. The vast majority of the “Black women” that have been celebrated among African-Americans over the decades don’t have the authentically Black phenotype. Including BW With 2 Black Parents Who Look Mixed like blue-eyed, light-haired Vanessa Williams. These “Black” women are considered beautiful by BM because they look closer to WW’s phenotype.]

The irony is that nowadays, BW’s authentic type of beauty (dark-skinned, 4-c hair, mainstream African type of nose and lips) is more likely to be appreciated by WM than by BM. Modern day AABW have to socialize and mingle with those men who appreciate our type of beauty. Odds are this is more likely to happen with WM than with BM (or other men of color who are often as color-struck as BM). We also need to do a better job of modeling self-love with our daughters and the other Black girls in our orbit.

I understand the BW who are “triggered” by Becky’s presence or involvement. Years ago, before I did the introspection and internal work taught by BWE, I was one of those BW. But being triggered and lashing out in pain is a widespread self-defeating cycle that AAs of both genders need to move past. I talked about this self-defeating behavior pattern in comments to a January 2013 post about BW's Mother-Daughter issues at Halima’s blog:

Khadija said...

Halima,

Thanks for this post. Like all poisonous things that thrive in the darkness, this is one issue that needs to be exposed to the cleansing and disinfecting sunlight.

Here's my 2 cents (or pence--LOL!) from across the pond in the US:

I see a multitude of overlapping dysfunctions going on in the African-American collective when it comes to mother-daughter relationships. All of which operate to the daughters' detriment:

(1) Many AA mothers are giving their daughters advice that's totally obsolete. Strategies and world views that worked well enough many decades ago (before the AA collective became entrenched in underclass behaviors such as oow, mass paternal abandonment, etc.) are self-sabotaging poison in the modern environment.

These mothers are so BM-identified (and BM-son-identified in particular) that they never pay attention to how various trends affect their daughters. Everything these type of women say and do is ALL about lifting up BM in general and their BM sons in particular. When their daughters' needs are neglected and sacrificed along the way, it's "too bad, so sad."

(2) Many AA mothers are totally unfit to give anybody advice. These women were/are used and exploited themselves, and still haven't caught a clue. So they give their daughters the type of advice ("All men cheat,""Let a man be a man,""What did you do to provoke him to hit you?", etc.) that ruins their daughters' lives in the same way their lives are damaged.

(3) Many AA mothers are straight-up envious of their daughters. And have the attitude of "I had it bad, and you should too." Quiet as it's kept, many AA mothers have attitudes that are similar to those of Arab mothers who support the so-called "honor" murders of their own daughters.

Back in the day when I used to participate in (dead BC) community type outreach activities, I would watch many AA mothers sabotage their daughters' ability to participate in anything that might lift their girls out of poverty and into abundant life. They would repeatedly "forget" to sign permission slips for their daughters to attend life-enhancing outings, tutoring, etc. Meanwhile, they somehow "remembered" to sign permission slips for their precious sons to participate in programs.

These mothers were transparent in their envy and rage at the idea that their daughters might have a chance to enjoy a better quality of life.

(4) Then you have the internalized colorism issues. Often a darker-skinned dysfunctional AA mother "hates on" her daughter if the daughter is lighter. Or the lighter-skinned dysfunctional AA mother "makes differences" between her daughters based on complexion (treating the lighter girls better).

In summary, there's a LOT of heavy-duty sickness going on between many (if not most) AA mothers treat and raise and daughters. The vast majority of AA mothers are setting their daughters up for suffering. Whether it's intentional on these mothers' parts or not, that's the bottom line effect of what they're doing.

At this point, self-actualizing AA women and teenage girls need to understand that their own mothers just might be one of their greatest enemies. It's a hurtful and disgusting thought; but folks need to face reality and act accordingly if they want to succeed in having a good life. *sigh*

3:12 p.m.

 During that conversation, other readers and I responded to comments from a “triggered”  reader:

Khadija said...

[Commenter],

Part 1

You said: "'Where are the fathers in this?.'

I think that is a question that NEEDS to be asked. Since you decided to only focus on the mothers, and used an example of what mothers who belong to a non-Black group of women are doing as some kind of example that should be imitated, I think this is a perfect time to bring up an issue that is simply not focused on by many in the BWE community unfortunately."

I'm sure Halima has her (more than eloquent) thoughts about all of this. Again, here are my 2 cents as a retired BWE blogger:

Generally speaking, I don't think that fathers can fully compensate for the lack of competent motherly guidance for their daughters. Similar to the way a woman can't really socialize boys into manhood the way an emotionally healthy man (preferably their biological fathers) can do so.

Yes, there are general "raising you to be a good and effective person" things that parents of both genders can do with children of either gender. And yes, there are certain male-psychology-based dating/vetting warning signs that a sincere and emotionally healthy father can warn his daughters about. However, it's just not the same as a girl being trained in effective womanly skills and strategies by her mother.

On top of the above, there are additional and unusual complications involved in raising Black girls to successfully navigate the modern-day world around them.

Many nonblacks (including nonblack fathers and/or stepfathers of Black girls) are either: (1) unaware of or (2) don't understand the bizarre dynamics of the various DBRBM-created minefields Black girls have to navigate. Because many of these nonblack men come from collectives that actually protect and lift up the girls/women in their group. So it's hard for these nonblack fathers and stepfathers to advise their Black daughters about the specific, bizarre, DBRBM-created, spirit-crushing situations that these men never anticipated.

Because they're unfamiliar with the bizarre dynamics of many Western Black cultures---cultures in which BW and Black children are routinely sacrificed for the whims of BM. Which is upside-down and backwards from the way most nonblack cultures operate. Normal cultures expect and demand that the men protect the women and children.

12:41 a.m.

Khadija said...

Part 2 of my reply to [Other Commenter]

In terms of Black fathers guiding their Black daughters through the minefields created by DBRBM's hatred of BW, that issue ties into another part of your comment when you said:

"First, your Jewish mother example. Jewish mothers DO NOT have to deal with the hatred of Jewish men. That right there is the crux of this problem of why BWE was even needed in the first place. Too many Black males simply HATE Black women & girls, and that has wreaked all kinds of havoc on the pysche of generation after generation of Black woman & girl. We can talk about what Black women "need" to do until we are blue in the face, but until the issue of Black male hatred of Black women & girls is fully & properly addressed, we will continue to see a myriad of problems cropping up for Black women & girls, such as the disfunctional relationship some Black mothers & daughters have with each other that you bought up."

Yes, it's true that women from most other racial/ethnic groups don't have to deal with hatred from the males of their groups.

But here's my concern when people speak of "addressing" BM's lethal hatred of BW: I don't see it ever being effectively addressed. And waiting around for it to be addressed seems counterproductive to me. There's not going to be any REAL justice or accountability imposed on BM for their genocidal behavior towards BW and Black girls.

There won't be any equivalent to the Nuremberg trials for the BM (c)rappers and others who created "Radio Rwanda" music and videos which play a large in creating the mass devaluing of Black female lives.

There won't be any tribunals in which Rev. Hot Comb and others are required to account for their "activism malpractice" regarding the physical survival of BW and girls.

Judging from BW's online discussions about Chris Brown, Ar-ruh Kelly, and other BM savage brutes, Notorious BM Celebrities Who Physically Attack and/or Molest BW & Black Girls won't even suffer real economic loss because of their genocidal anti-BW hatred.

Most BM haven't and WON'T ever "address" BM's genocidal hatred of BW and Black girls. I can think of several reasons for this (self-interest, cowardice, etc.). At this late date, the reasons don't really matter to me. Waiting for BM to address any of this is akin to waiting for BM to protect and provide for Black children: Never gonna happen in any significant numbers. And a lot of Black female lives will be lost or diminished while waiting around for something that won't happen.

Ditto for waiting for the masses of BM-identified BW to "address" any of this. A lot of BW's and girls' lives will be lost and diminished while debating with these BM-identified Black female collaborators.

To my way of thinking, the best thing is to advise and assist as many BW and girls as possible to GET AWAY from anybody and everybody (including their mothers if the "shoe fits") who devalues them and their lives.

I don't see it as "blaming BW." I see it as recognizing the reality that many (if not most) Black mothers are too BM-identified, too indoctrinated, and/or too unhealthy to be automatically trusted to guide their daughters into abundant lifestyles. Many (if not most) Black girls are orphans for all practical purposes.

12:52 a.m.

Khadija said...

Part 3 of final reply

My sister, where have you been that you don't already know that ALL of the things you've accused the BWE community of not addressing have already been discussed---YEARS ago and repeatedly ad nauseum?

One major difference between BWE activism and other BW's blogs is that most BWE bloggers are not going to spend years going around in circles with empty venting (about DBRBM) that leaves BW in the same spot they were in before they started venting. Fixating on venting about DBRBM is a waste of precious time.

BWE blogs tend to move beyond identifying THE source of most of BW's problems (DBRBM) to formulating and implementing escape strategies.

I'm NOT saying that you said this, but I want to make my position clear: I disagree with complaints about BWE blogs that essentially say: "Stop talking about practical escape strategies and the ways in which BW can stop being complicit in their own oppression so we can endlessly vent about DBRBM." Endlessly ruminating over the many physical atrocities and spirit-murders committed by DBRBM is a distraction and diversion from what should be the point---helping more BW and girls Escape From Blackistan and find their way into abundant life.

3:29 p.m.

Khadija said...

I feel compelled to add another observation. It's something for the silent audience to consider.

I've seen these particular dynamics before. I saw them waaay back in the day when I would attend Nation of Islam (NOI) lectures. Most of the AAs in the audience would get all excited and happy when the speaker from the NOI would (truthfully) talk bad about racist Whites and put White America in general "on blast."

But these same Black audiences would get sullen---and in some cases, actually angry with the NOI ministers---whenever the NOI ministers talked about SELF-correction and the HARD WORK each individual Black person needs to do to free themselves from being so very vulnerable to the whims of people who hate Black people.

Meanwhile, the NOI ministers would tell folks that the purpose of the lectures was to give listeners the tools to free themselves (properly applied work and self-correction). Not to supply entertainment by verbally blasting oppressors.

If somebody's pushed you into a ditch, then it's going to take hard work (climbing) and self-correction (stop digging the hole deeper) to get out of that ditch.

Sitting around screaming and shrieking "They pushed me into this ditch! It's ALL their fault!!" is not---and will never be---a substitute for the hard work (climbing) and self-correction (stop digging the hole deeper) needed to get out of the ditch. No matter how loud the person screams. No matter how angry the person gets while screaming.

We've seen this proven over the decades (actually over a century) with Black males. Black males' general refusal to do any hard work or engage in any self-correction is why BM consistently remain at the very bottom of every multiracial country BM live in. While other nonwhites do the work and self-correction needed for them to keep moving on up.

While negro males sit around endlessly shrieking about "de evil WM" everybody else is moving on up into the Promised Land. The example set by negro males is NOT anything that any sensible person would imitate.

It's been my observation that the BWE escape plan works when you actually work the plan. There's a difference between talking about the escape plan and actually working the escape plan. One major part of the escape plan is to disconnect from, and stop fixating on, negro males.

Those BW who actually work the BWE escape plan generally find much more peace of mind and a higher quality of life. Each individual BW has to decide for herself whether or not she's willing to actually work the escape plan.

2:40 p.m.

I repeat: Sitting around screaming and shrieking “They pushed me into this ditch! It's ALL their fault!!” is not—and will never be—a substitute for the hard work (climbing) and self-correction (stop digging the hole deeper) needed to get out of the ditch. No matter how loud the person screams. No matter how angry the person gets while screaming.

AAs in general (and AABW in particular) need to get past this self-defeating behavior pattern. Part of that process is being willing to ask and contemplate the hard questions that BW like Breukelen Bleu have been asking.

THANK YOU Breukelen Bleu for shining some cleansing and disinfecting sunlight on these issues!

[Addendum: FYI, it's been brought to my attention that Ms. Bleu apparently deleted the Facebook post that I referenced in this post (for those who are wondering about the links that don't work anymore).]

Wildest Dreams Checklist: Are You Living For The Weekends, And Dead For The Rest Of The Week?

This essay is contained in my new book. I'm delighted to announce that The Sojourner's Passport site has launched! You can visit it at http://www.sojournerspassport.com/.

Everyone, I can't thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement and support; I truly appreciate it. Your support is what made this possible. And here's a special shout-out to my web designers at Educo Web Design. They're nice people to deal with, and they do outstanding work!

Peace and blessings,
Khadija Nassif

The Sojourner's Path: Find And Embrace The "Market" That's Best For YOU

Let's get back to our "regularly scheduled programming" about personal transformation, and practical steps toward living out our Wildest Dreams. I've been reading a fascinating book titled How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World by a Libertarian ideologue named Harry Browne. The book can be found at http://www.trendsaction.com/

I generally don't care for Libertarian politics or ideology, but after reading several references to the book I decided to check it out for myself. I'm happy I did. The author talks about a lot of things that are easy to forget under the constant barrage of dysfunctional, mass African-American, "new-school" culture.

Mr. Browne talks about what he calls "the despair trap" versus "the general market." My comments are in blue:

"The Despair Trap is the belief that other people can prevent you from being free. Despair isn't hard to come by. . . [i]f you've been trying to convince your friends and family to accept your way of life, you probably feel very misunderstood and unappreciated by now. [Khadija speaking: The unhappy reality is that the people around you who don't "get it" at this late date probably aren't going to make it as The Endless Night of Permanent Underclass Status For African-Americans becomes entrenched. Grieve for them---but not for too long. You have to keep it moving in order to survive and thrive!] How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1117-26.

Despite these kinds of problems, the goals of freedom and happiness are totally realistic. If they aren't being achieved, it's the method that's wrong, not the objective. [This is a critical point. There are so many vampires screaming at African-American women that it's somehow "wrong" for them to seek happiness and fulfillment. The vampires say this even though they are busy doing whatever they want to do. The vampires are typically NOT making the sacrifices that they demand of African-American women.]

You have to accept the world as it is. But that doesn't mean you should look at the people who oppose your ways and conclude that there's no chance to be free. The world includes much more than just the people you've been dealing with.

There are undoubtedly many, many people with whom you have nothing in common. But there are also plenty of people who see things in much the same way you do. If you haven't come in contact with them, it may be because you've unnecessarily confined yourself to those with whom you've been associating.

And it may be that you haven't discovered ways of finding the kinds of people who could add to your life, instead of detract from it. How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1126-35.

[It's impossible to overemphasize how VITAL it is for African-American women to STOP socializing in all-Black circles and settings. These are radioactve settings filled with degradation and spirit-breaking despair for any Black woman who goes there. I know that for many of us, these all-Black settings are all we know. And I know that many of us figure "better the devil we know."

I'm saying NO! The Damaged Beyond Repair (DBR) African-American males you encounter in all-Black settings are orders of magnitude WORSE than the general population of men in the outer world. Just open your eyes for a moment and look around. Look at how other ethnic and racial groups of men generally protect and provide for the women of their group. Look at how these other women and children are living. And then look at how totally unprotected African-American women and children are. I'll make it plain. At this point in time, things have deteriorated to the extent that: All-Black Settings = Death For Black Women. On many levels. Emotional death, spiritual death, and in ever-increasing numbers, physical death.]

The popular conventions of society might discourage you from breaking out of uncomfortable situations to find those people. Such hallowed traditions as one marriage, one career, one employer, staying in one place, etc., can cause you to feel that you must make the best of whatever situation you're already in.

But 'making the best' frequently means either giving up your own happiness or trying to change others. Neither way makes any sense.

You don't have to stay where you are. You can look for someone who doesn't have to be forced to love you, someone who will be enthusiastic about what you have to offer, someone who will help you get what you want because it will be in his self interest to do so.

You're in the Despair Trap if you believe that you have to stay where you are and work things out somehow. Or if you believe that you couldn't be any better off if you were to change your situation. Or if you think that the government or society can stop you from being free. How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1135-44 (emphasis added).

The General Market embraces personal relationships as well as commercial ones. All relationships are governed by market principles as individuals come together, exchange or share as appropriate, and work toward the advancement of their own happiness. The same principles apply to finding a friend that apply to finding a buyer for your product.

Within the General Market there's a whole world of potential relationships for you if you realize that you don't have to please everyone.

If you want a marriage partner who's compatible with your way of life, you don't have to prove to everyone that your way is right. You need to find only one person who meets your needs and who wants you as you are.

You don't need millions of friends; you only need enough to provide the companionship and shared interests you'd like to have. So it isn't important what the other people are like." How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1144-54 (emphasis added).

A Sojourner does not cast her pearls before swine. Instead, she finds and embraces the "market" that's best for her.

Are you seeking and embracing the market that's best for YOU?

The Sojourner's Path: Reject False Egalitarianism And Cultivate Your SUPERIOR Traits

LIFE IS NOT FAIR OR EQUAL -- Everything And Everybody Are NOT The Same

The first thing that aspiring Sojourners must understand is that real life is not fair or equal. In fact, life is filled with naturally-occurring, lopsided ratios! In order to survive and thrive, we must position ourselves on the WINNING side of these ratios.

From The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less, by Richard Koch. My comments are in blue:

"The reason that the 80/20 Principle is so valuable is that it is counterintuitive. We tend to expect that all causes will have roughly the same significance. That all customers are equally valuable. That every bit of business, every product, and every dollar of sales revenue is as good as any other. That all employees in a particular category have roughly equivalent value. That each day or week or year we spend has the same significance. That all our friends have roughly equal value to us.

[Khadija speaking: African-Americans love to believe that "everybody's the same." And that "everything is the same," and that "things aren't any different in other places." This sort of thinking leads to our angry (really deranged) assertions that out of wedlock parenting is "equal" to married parenting. That a child having a "weekend only, telephone father" is "equal" to having an onsite 24/7 father who is married to one's mother. Well. . . umm. . . NO. This is not how real life operates. Not at all. Real life is filled with HUGE, natural imbalances. Real life tends to follow Pareto's Law.]

. . . That all problems have a large number of causes, so that it is not worth isolating a few key causes. [Oh, let's stop here for a moment. This is a critical point. This is a large part of why African-Americans love to believe that people are the same. This notion serves to obscure the TRUE source of many of the problems among us. These "people are basically the same" and "we're all equally responsible" delusions provide cover for those among us who are truly aberrant.

If we sought to isolate the primary causes of certain problems during our analyses, it would put an extremely unflattering spotlight on some of our cultural "sacred cows." Sacred cows such as the Black underclass, and the "young Black males" that we refer to in our political slogans.]

That all opportunities are of roughly equal value, so that we treat them all equally." The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less, by Richard Koch. Amazon Kindle Locations 203-14 (emphasis added).

Pareto's Law

From The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich, by Timothy Ferriss:

"Pareto's Law can be summarized as follows: 80% of the outputs result from 20% of the inputs. Alternative ways to phrase this, depending on the context, include:

80% of the consequences flow from 20% of the causes.

80% of the results come from 20% of the effort and time. [African-American women spend the bulk of their efforts on things and people that have the LEAST amount of impact. This is why we work so hard for so little. This misuse of effort and time applies to many situations.]

80% of the company profits come from 20% of the products and customers.

. . . The list is infinitely long and diverse, and the ratio is often skewed even more severely: 90/10, 95/5, and 99/1 are not uncommon, but the minimum ratio to seek is 80/20." The 4-Hour Workweek: Escape 9-5, Live Anywhere, and Join the New Rich, by Timothy Ferriss, Amazon Kindle Locations 940-52 through952-62 (emphasis added).

[Yes, I agree that in real life the ratio is often extremely skewed---95/5 and 99/1. Real life has a lot of "winner take all" scenarios. For example, in terms of income, there are many fields where a few "superstars" within the field earn millions, and those ranked just beneath them (in terms of reputation) make only a comfortable living. Think of the likely difference in earnings between the author of the Harry Potter books and authors who are in the next lower tier of sales. Real life has MANY "winner take all" types of situations!]

People Are Usually Shocked When They Open Their Eyes To This

"The 80/20 Principle also asserts that when we know the true relationship, we are likely to be surprised at how unbalanced it is. Whatever the actual level of imbalance, it is likely to exceed our prior estimates. . . Teachers may know that the majority of their disciplinary troubles or most truancy arises from a minority of pupils, but if records are analyzed the extent of the imbalance will probably be larger than expected. We may feel that some of our time is more valuable than the rest, but if we measure inputs and outputs the disparity can still stun us.

Why should you care about the 80/20 Principle? Whether you realize it or not, the principle applies to your life, to your social world, and to the place where you work. Understanding the 80/20 Principle gives you great insight into what is really happening in the world around you." The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less, by Richard Koch. Amazon Kindle Locations 214-24 through 224-35.

Real Life Also Has Many Feedback Loops And Sensitive Dependence On Initial Conditions

Real life also has many positive and negative feedback loops. The rich get richer; the poor get poorer. Furthermore, real life is often extremely sensitive to initial conditions. This means that even small advantages or disadvantages at the beginning of a process can have a huge impact on end results. Think of it as similar to a ship navigating its course with a compass. If the the course chosen is off by only a few degrees at the beginning, it will be off by many miles the further it sails.

We see many examples of this in everyday life. Those of us with common sense know that a good beginning for our children's lives dramatically increases the odds of their future success. Shrewd women know that how they begin an interaction with a man will impact the entire relationship.

WHAT ALL OF THIS MEANS FOR AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN
1. Stop Pretending That These Ratios Don't Exist

No matter how much African-Americans weep, wail, and gnash our teeth, these skewed ratios will continue to dominate real life. Nature is filled with imbalances. Everybody is NOT the same. In any field, by any measure, there are only a FEW outstanding people. Whatever "it" is, there will be a sea of relative mediocrity with only a handful of standouts in either direction (good or bad).

A critical point about this angle is to look at what a group's "baseline" is. A group's collective baseline is how you measure that group's general success or failure. Some collective baselines are MUCH higher than others. There's the mediocrity of being a lower-middle class person when your ethnic group is mostly affluent. [Oh, you can probably guess which ethnic/religious group I'm thinking of.] And then there's the mediocrity of being a poor, fatherless, African-American person who was born out of wedlock. If the odds are that you'll be mediocre, would you rather be "mediocre" in the sense of the first group or "mediocre" in the second group?

Most African-Americans resist the reality of these ratios because we're used to being on the losing side of these numbers. In fact, we've embraced a collective "loser" identity.

It never occurs to us that we have it within us to be SUPERIOR regarding anything that matters. It never occurs to us that we can be on the winning side of these ratios.

So, we have a mindset of trying to pretend that everything and everybody is the same. Pretending that everybody's "equal." So, we have a mindset of trying to coerce the "winners" into giving the "losers" (that would be us) large slices of their "pies." We want to try to force situations into an artificial, false veneer of "equality."

This is only a temporary solution to disparities and inequalities. It will always fail in the long-run because these ratios will always exist. And unless a group raises its collective "baseline," they will always be disadvantaged relative to others. They will continue to lose. Not only have African-Americans failed to raise our collective baseline, but we've allowed it to plummet.

Over the past few decades we've started saying things like "BMW = Black Man Working." What do these sorts of expressions say to the world about our baseline? Our collective's baseline is currently at ground level. And it will fall through the floor once the Endless Night of Permanent Underclass Status becomes entrenched.

2. Understand That "Equality Talk" Is A Subtle Trap

Equality talk is actually a subtle mental trap. If you really believe that "things aren't any better anywhere else," then you have no incentive to move anywhere to seek a better living environment. If you really believe that you're "the same" as everybody else, then you're not going to cultivate those traits of yours that are actually superior to the masses. And so on across the board.

All of this stems from embracing a mass loser self-identity. Equality talk is usually heard coming from losers who are trying to convince themselves that they have some merit. Winners don't talk that equality talk. Now, gracious winners might publicly engage in equality talk so as to not upset the losers around them; but that equality stuff is NOT their self-image. People who are winning feel that they have superior skills or traits that enable them to win. Losers feel that they were lucky to win.

3. Use These Ratios To YOUR Advantage. Embrace And Cultivate Your SUPERIOR Traits!

I often praise God for my parents. In terms of raising us, they were NOT for that false equality mess. Egalitarianism was not for their children. They never wanted us to be "equal" with anybody. They wanted our points of SUPERIORITY to shine brightly!

Ladies, stop thinking like losers who have to scramble for scraps! You can position yourself to be a winner who takes all! This applies across the board. From one's personal life to one's financial life. Keep in mind the fact that some people actually made a LOT of money during the Great Depression.

There are general things about us as Black women that are actually SUPERIOR to other women. You already know many of these traits, but somehow most of you don't take these things to heart and work with them to your advantage. I don't understand this behavior.

This includes surface beauty traits. You know that we generally age better than other women. You know that our complexions usually have a glow and vitality that others admire. You really KNOW that other people admire our curves! Non-Blacks have noticed and commented on all of this. Why don't YOU seem to know this? Why don't you cultivate these advantages?

[I know. . . Lord, I know it angers some of you, but I'm going to ask: Why persist in hiding your God-given curves under extra weight? I never said that it was easy. Don't you remember me complaining and whining every step of the way during the workout check-in posts? I'm still complaining about being sore, tired, etc. I complain, but I keep working out.]

This includes inner beauty traits. Generally speaking, African-American women are resourceful. We are industrious. We are intensely loyal. The problem is that we've got all of these traits harnessed in support of unworthy causes, goals and people.

There are specific things about YOU as an individual that are SUPERIOR to most others. Are you ready to embrace and cultivate your superior traits? Are you ready to be a winner who takes all?

The Sojourner's Path: Active Instead of Passive Living

Let's talk some more about personal transformation, and practical steps toward living out our Wildest Dreams. I've been reading a fascinating book titled How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World by a Libertarian ideologue named Harry Browne. The book can be found at http://www.trendsaction.com/

I generally don't care for Libertarian politics or ideology, but after reading several references to the book I decided to check it out for myself. I'm happy I did. The author talks about a lot of things that are easy to forget under the unquestioned routines of everyday life. And that's not even factoring in the learned helplessness that has become a large part of mass African-American, "new-school" culture.

It occurs to me that so many Black women have been indoctrinated into being what has been termed self-sacrificing "gravediggers," that it might be helpful to repeat and discuss some of these ideas here (my comments are in blue). Mr. Browne said:

"I've been told so many times that freedom is just a fantasy, that you can't live that way in the real world, that there are too many daily commitments that have to be met, that in real life things are much too complicated to be able to do what you want and to enjoy yourself.

But who made your life complicated?

You did, of course. It wasn't society, the economic system, the people you consider to be nuisances, your parents, or anyone else.

Every complication in your life today is the result of something you've allowed to happen. You initiated it, or you consented to it, or you've allowed it to continue. You are where you are today because you've chosen to be there. And you can choose not to be there. [Khadija speaking: This idea is often a bitter pill to swallow. It's emotionally so much more comfortable to totally blame others. The problem with blaming others is that it means ceding control over your life's possibilities to these other people!]

You'll have to pay for past mistakes, but no mistake warrants a life sentence. You can telescope those payments into the short term and get rid of them quickly. [There's no need to accept any sort of life sentence. Even those prisoners with life sentences don't accept them. They're busy writing to volunteer groups trying to get their convictions overturned! Why should we be any less resourceful?]

You can get rid of bad relationships, meaningless obligations, negative commitments. You can do anything you want. You're free ---- if only you'll realize it. Only you can choose to make things better for yourself. You can decide to stop 'going along' with things that are handed to you. You can decide to live your life as the free person you are.

Don't tell me that it can't be done. There are too many people who've already done it.

No matter where you are now, you can unravel all the knots that you've woven into your life. [This doesn't mean that it'll be easy; but it can be done.] You can decide to be free. No one else has to be convinced ---- it requires only your decision and action." [Hear, hear!] Amazon Kindle locations 3831-41 through 3841-50 (emphasis added).

Mr. Browne talks about the various measures one can use to assess how you're spending the bulk of your time. One measure is whether your activities are active or passive:

"3. Active-Passive Labels. This approach is similar to the last one. It will help you to see if you're making things happen in your life ---- or if you're just going along with what others want. Label each activity active or passive. The active label applies to anything you have initiated, the things you do because you have decided they should be done. The passive label should be attached to those activities you do because someone else wants you to do them. [Which is the "gravedigger's" self-selected lot in life.]

. . . As you apply these labels to your weekly activities, designate passive those things you do only to preserve a relationship (even if it's a relationship you value) --- such things as conversations that bore you, favors, etc. As you look at the labels, you can see how much of your time is necessary to preserve the relationship ---- and that should tell you if the situation is as compatible as you'd thought it was. [Yes, when looked at this way, it's possible to discover that many situations we involve ourselves in are actually not compatible with our interests, values or aspirations.]

Look for relationships that don't require that you tolerate unpleasant things in order to maintain them. With the right people, you should be spending most (if not all) of your time doing things that please you, that make sense to you ---- the things you want to do. Compromises seem necessary only because of inappropriate situations. If you're involved with the right people, the word 'sacrifice' shouldn't even be in your vocabulary."

[This is somewhat extreme for my tastes. I'm willing to make non-catastrophic (and usually small) sacrifices for those I value. Although, once I consciously thought about it, I realized that I'm willing to do this about 15-17% of the time. To me, having to do stuff that you find unpleasant (but the other person actually likes) 20% or more of the time means that you're not like-minded enough to have a mutually enjoyable friendship, etc. with the person.] Amazon Kindle locations 3761-72 through 3772-81 (emphasis added).

Another thing I've noticed is that so many African-American women are literally afraid to explore activities that genuinely interest them, unless these activities are also popular with the masses of African-Americans. This is a crazy way to live. You miss out on a lot of things like that. You also miss out on meeting other Black folks who happen to share your interests.

[My ex, who is also interested in martial arts, talked about how I was the only Black woman he knew who took martial arts classes. (He's African-American.) I've heard similar comments from others. Which is strange on a practical level---considering how much physical danger African-American women are subjected to on a daily basis in Black residential areas.

Since I brought this up, let me stress the following: One of the first things you notice in martial arts classes with guy partners is just how physically strong guys are. Even the smaller men. So, be advised that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is pure fantasy. Not to mention that many predators work out every day while they are in prison. No normal person who takes time to work for a living can match that prison-level of physical conditioning. Normal people also generally can't match the "I've got nothing to lose" mindset of many ex-cons. Normal people have things that they care about, including their own lives. However, it's still possible for even small women to learn practical skills like how to get out of, and away from, various types of grabs and holds.]

This active-passive test is a good one for taking stock of one's daily life and the people in one's life. It's a good way to see if you're in a state of true fellowship with the people around you. This matters.

In fact, during the emerging Endless Night of Permanent Underclass Status For African-Americans, this will be a matter of life and death for Black women.

WHY THIS WILL SOON BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

It's all connected. The extreme isolation of so many Black women's lives is a recurring theme and underlying factor in so many of the problems we collectively face. It's one of the reasons I've been so agitated about Black folks' prospects in the current economic crisis. During the First Great Depression we at least had strong family and community ties for mutual support. With a majority out of wedlock rate, there aren't many strong families. These women and children have NO male protectors and providers. Black residential areas have long since stopped functioning as communities. During this current crisis, many Black women literally have nobody to watch their backs.

This means that when something goes wrong, these women and their children are likely to end up in the condition that Min. Farrakhan has described as "naked, hungry, and out of doors."

Part of the reason for this is because many African-American women are investing the bulk of their energy into non-reciprocal relationships with people who must be appeased with these women's service. If these people only come around or interact with you when they want something, what happens when you have nothing to give? Answer: Silence and apathy while you transition into being "naked, hungry, and out of doors."

This is why it's important to build true, reciprocal fellowships with as many people as possible. The odds of having that sort of relationship are increased if the relationship is built around genuinely shared interests and values. You're more likely to meet people who share your interests and values when you actively pursue your genuine interests. Instead of only participating in activities that are "approved of" by mass, popular Black culture.

For further reading, see True Fellowship, Part 2: Breaking Bread. http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2008/10/true-fellowship-part-2-breaking-bread.html

A Heartfelt And Public "Thank You" To Evia For Her Latest Blog Post

As regular readers know, I'm a firm believer in the importance of thankfulness; and expressing gratitude to those who have helped us along our paths. I just stopped by Evia's blog, and I was truly touched by her latest blog post. Ladies, I strongly urge you to read it also. http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2009/06/living-well-notes-clarification.html

Anyway, what struck me while reading this post was how much my quality of life improved as a result of pondering her essays, and those of other pioneer Black female empowerment bloggers.

One of God's blessings is that He often makes it easy to forget negative circumstances after they have improved. It's a blessing that memories fade. While reading, I was shocked to realize how much stress and strain was lifted off of me after I stopped assuming the responsibility for "saving alla our people." I had forgotten how stressful all of that was.

I used to be the type of African-American woman who was preoccupied with "saving alla our people." What I didn't realize while I was still in my Black Nationalist trance was that "saving alla our people" is a MAN'S role. It's not my function as a woman to rescue men and the community at large. It didn't occur to me that to even make such an attempt was totally out of divine order, with a price to pay as a consequence of being out of order.

After I let go of that "save alla our people" trickbag, I discovered how it's so much more pleasant for a woman to live and function as . . . a . . . woman. As opposed to trying to carry burdens that should be carried by men.

Enjoying the pleasures of the feminine role became my new "norm," and I had totally forgotten how much stress was lifted off of me as a result of thinking about the points Evia and other pioneers raised. Memories fade.

Memories fade but, when reminded, my thankfulness does not. One of the most important lessons my parents taught me is to thank the people who help you. And to thank them again. And to pray for them whenever you remember what they did for you. I sent the following email to Evia. I'm repeating it here to publicly express my thanks for all of the work that she has done over the past few years.

"Hello there, Evia!

{excited waving}

This is just a note to say a loud and heartfelt "THANK YOU" for your latest post. I know how your essays helped me at a point of confusion a couple of years ago; and I know that your essays continue to help other disoriented AA women. May God bless you for your work.

I read through the notes you published and shook my head at the level of confusion that exists among so many of us. Like you said, in a minute these same confused AA women will be hating on the African women who don't have our general hangups about marrying WELL with whoever will do the best by them and their future children.

Your words really spoke to me because I used to be one of those "save alla our people" AA women. That is, until I snapped out of my trance a few years back. I've been amazed at how much mental stress and strain I eliminated from my life just by that one decision---the decision to no longer assume responsibility for the fate of our people. As you've said over and over again, that's a man's job. I'm still saddened as any normal human being would be by the atrocious news stories coming out of Black residential areas. But the stories don't linger on my heart or mind anymore.

I'm free of all that. I always had the option to be free of all that. Previously, I was just too confused to see or exercise the option to be free.

I can't thank you and the other pioneers enough for helping me see all of this. Again, THANK YOU and may God bless you and yours!

Peace and blessings,
Khadija"

The Way Of The Sojourner

This essay is contained in my new book. I'm delighted to announce that The Sojourner's Passport site has launched! You can visit it at http://www.sojournerspassport.com/.

Everyone, I can't thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement and support; I truly appreciate it. Your support is what made this possible. And here's a special shout-out to my web designers at Educo Web Design. They're nice people to deal with, and they do outstanding work!

Peace and blessings,
Khadija Nassif

The Renewing Of Our Minds, Part 1

I choose living my higher purpose.

Some of you think that I'm writing and "preaching" from "on high." I'm NOT. I'm dealing with many of the same challenges as the rest of us.

One such challenge is the fact that I've grown disenchanted with my current career and lifestyle. It was what I wanted when I started on this path. It was what I wanted for many years. Until one day it . . . wasn't. At which point, I realized that I need to make a change.

Everything that I am is what has gotten me to this point. Everything that I am is what is maintaining me at this point. I need to make a change. From the inside out. Mary J. Lore, the author of Managing Thought: How Do Your Thoughts Rule Your World? made the following points:

"There is no such thing as the future. The future is an illusion. What we have is a now, followed by a now, followed by a series of nows. We do not suddenly become bankrupt. We have a series of bankrupt now moments. We do not suddenly become a great leader, a great parent, or healthy. We do not suddenly accomplish a goal or fulfill a resolution. We have a series of great leader, great parent, or healthy now moments. When we have experienced enough of these moments, goals are accomplished, bad habits are broken, and resolutions are fulfilled." Managing Thought, Amazon Kindle Location, 275-88.

"Without self-awareness, self-mastery, and being on purpose, we live each day as we did yesterday. And then a year goes by, two years, five years, and then ten, and we wonder what happened. We have the same frustrations and experiences over and over with different jobs, partners, customers, coworkers, employees, children and spouses. Essentially, we continue to make the same mistakes." Amazon Kindle Location, 289-302.

"I am not talking about developing rah-rah motivational goals, mission statements, and resolutions. I am talking about developing self-awareness, being aware of our thoughts and feelings and making subtle, yet powerful, changes that result in ideas, desires, intentions, and ultimately actions that bring us peace and inspire us." Amazon Kindle Location, 320-32.

"By managing thought, we consciously choose our futures. When we manage our thoughts, we take a proactive approach instead of being led around by our habitual attitudes and self-limiting beliefs. We are able to use our thoughts to proactively affect those very stressful episodes that we formerly reacted to defensively. In doing so, whole new vistas of options emerge and we experience very different results. Instead of wasting our time, money and energy on reactivity, we focus on what matters to us---the reality we want." Amazon Kindle Location, 358-71.

Ms. Lore's book has a chart about the power of thoughts. [Amazon Kindle Location, 581-89]. Some thoughts are inherently weak and disempowering. These thoughts are inherently disempowering because they contain self-condemnation and force:

I have to be more . . .
I need to be more . . .
I should be more . . .
I need to . . .
I should . . .
Why can't I . . . ?
What should I . . . ?
When will I . . . ?

Other thoughts are weak because they are thoughts of the (non-existent) future and are not in this moment.

I have to . . .
I need to . . .
I should . . .
I will . . .
I am going to . . .
I choose to . . .
How will I . . . ?
What will I . . . ?

Powerful thoughts help us feel joy, thankfulness and possibility in the present moment.

I am . . .
I choose . . .
What can I . . . ?
How can I . . . ?

The first step to creating a new future for ourselves is to better manage our thoughts. The first step to managing our thoughts is to take an inventory of our thoughts. Ms. Lore suggests a beginning exercise where you take a deep breath and then plug a positive attribute (for example, "focus") into the above sentences, and say the sentences out loud. ("I need to be more focused." "I choose focus." "I will focus, etc.")

Do you feel the difference in your bodily sensations with these different thoughts? I did. I've also been taking inventory of my habitual thought patterns. I've noticed that a LOT of my thoughts are framed in the "I need to . . ./I have to . . ." pattern. If you look, you'll see this thought pattern expressed in several statements near the beginning of this essay. I deliberately chose not to edit those statements. Like I said, I'm not talking about these various issues from "on high," I'm dealing with them too. [LOL!]

These "I need to . . ./I have to . . ." thought patterns lead to feeling heavy and trapped. They are part of The Overly-Responsible Person Trickbag that I'm releasing my grip on. I choose empowering thoughts.

Are you willing to pause and examine your daily thoughts?

Are you willing to take an inventory of your habitual thought patterns?

Are you willing to manage your thoughts?

Are you willing to let go of disempowering thought patterns and embrace powerful ones?