Sunday, December 28, 2008

Self-Determination, Part 2: A Case Study of How One Sister Got Her Crown Back (An Extended Reader's Money Quote)

The Reader's Money Quote is a statement that is of such importance and insight that it merits frequent and loud repetition. This Reader's Money Quote is from Sister Seeking/Miriam/MaryAnn. She explained how she got her crown back while commenting on Part 1 of the Self-Determination series. My responses are in blue.

"Salaam Khadija

One of many ways I/I’ve put back on my crown was marrying some one who preferred me: ALL of me.

Imagine that: A Black woman actually focusing on finding and marrying someone who prefers HER.

It was NOT an easy task because at the time I was a staunch Sunni orthodox Muslimah--that meant that I was surrounded by BAM’s both women, and men who had already determined what they thought I could or could NOT have. That meant being surrounded by IMM’S who were focused on the preservation, and dominance of THEIR OWN people and would not HOLD ANY BAM man accountable for THE MADNESS ( domestic violence; child abuse and neglect; poverty; polygamy; and heresy). Allahu Akbar…NOW 7 years later. I look back and SEE much of the genocide you write about playing out in the BAM community in masse--all those BAM women who told me I could not marry well because: I’m a convert, I’m an adopted child, I’m darker than a paper bag, I’m too tall, and so on--their life is in complete shambles. I rejected those AA women and I rejected those IMM’s who sat by and watched those children live through 20 or 30 “spiritual” marriages of their mother that left them: sexually abused; impoverished; physically abused; and illiterate by the way.

Yes, it's critical that we completely CUT OFF anybody and everybody who is devaluing us.

I refused to be bullied, intimidated, or TAKFEERED by ANY Muslim because I had goals, and aspirations--BECAUSE I HAD STANDARDS. To me-- NOT ACCEPTING THE AGENDA OF OTHERS FOR YOUR LIFE IS RECLAIMING YOUR CROWN. IF YOU DO NOT PLAN YOUR LIFE OTHERS WILL DO IT FOR YOU.

YES!!! And they will plan your life to their gain, and your detriment.

I attribute my ability to sift through the land fill of OTHER PEOPLES EMOTIONAL GARBAGE to being raised in my early years by decent white catholic foster families. I was not exposed to colorism, and madness common in black families UNTIL I was placed with black foster families. The fact that I was able to not just see but experience healthy family life during my childhood gave me a backdrop to measure what would later by dysfunction against.

As for the colorism issue Khadija, you spoke about surrounding your self by healthy images--and I’ll add on to that to include taking better care of myself and slowing down a bit. The best image I can give myself is ME. I am my own ally first, and foremost.

[Boldface added.] A money quote within the overall money quote: 'The best image I can give myself is ME. I am my own ally first and foremost.' {raised fist salute} Ladies, if you take nothing else from these conversations, please take THIS one statement to heart!

Also a side note here: my family, and I attended a Kwanzaa celebration for private black home schoolers. Its nice to see black men raising black children to have a strong sense of self determination, and coincidentally “color struck” was brought up by several elderly black men…

P.S.I echo Khadija, Evia, and others in running out of black residential areas. I live in a multi-racial area ( Hispanic, Asian, White, and a few blacks). Before moving here we lived in a black residential area--I kid you naught, the first day our welcome package including a letter explaining that a teenager had been stabbed to death and found on a tenants deck. When we moved in our town house in this neighborhood a stay at home Hispanic mother brought us over some sweets from her native Ecuador."

Lord have mercy.

Sister Seeking/Miriam/MaryAnn, thank you for providing this Reader's Money Quote with a detailed explanation of how you reclaimed your crown! I'm sure that you've helped and encouraged many women who are silently reading these conversations.

*Reader's Note* We're transferring our discussion from Part 1 of this series to the comment section of this essay. [I don't like having the scroll down miles of computer screen to read new comments, and we've reached 100 comments in the comment section of Part 1.] Please post your comments to Part 1 right here. Thank you.

24 comments:

Kiara said...

Khadija

I must thank you for this blog because it has inspired me to look out for my fellow sisters.

My parents never raised me or my sister to be skin sensitive. She is dark-skinned and I am light-skinned and they told us both that we were beautiful without the side comment of 'to be so dark.'

I have the upmost respect for my parents because they taught us to wear our crowns and never settle for anything. Because of this, my sister is finishing nursing school and I am going off to college in August.

I want to start a black women empowerment magazine that shows the full spectrum of only black women. I'm talking about light to dark and permed to natural. Unfortunately, my major is zoology not advertising or media. And since I'm going to college money is short but I'm going to save. We need something that shows us Becky isn't all that. Personally, I'm of the opinion that black women are the best looking women but that's just me.

witchsistah

Thankfully that has never happened to me in my workplace. Connie and I were the only black teens and both of us were the best workers.

Not all ww are like that.My mother has three ww friends that she gets with every month to stay in touch. They help each other out with problems in the home, they found me a job with one of their firms and when my sister's ex-boyfriend hit her, they were the ones asking for his address so they could go beat him up.

Felicia said...

"Honestly, I haven't either. In fact, my writers group is made up for the most part of biracial people. They choose to identify as biracial rather than black. What I admire about them is that they express pride in both their heritages and I respect them for that."

Exactly Lormarie. This is a healthy sign of self-respect and self-love.

"On self-labeling as biracial.
I have given this issue some thought over the years. I have concluded that I do not mind if my children self-identify as "biracial."
I DO, DO, DO, very much mind if if they get OFFENDED if someone calls them "black".
That is the issue. It is the jumping-up-and-down and PROTESTING, I'm NOT black, I'm BIRACIAL!
That is what points to contempt/self-hatred/whatever you want to call it."


EXACTLY foreverloyal. When people call biracial people black, white, Indian, etc... without knowing their background, they're just responding to what they're eyes are telling them. No one is meaning any harm.

It shouldn't be considered a negative to be thought of as black, white, Indian, hispanic, biracial, whatever.

Because we ALL count, and all people (regardless of "race") have made positive contributions to this world.

Therefor we ALL should feel pride. Those of one background and multiple heritages.

When someone acts offended and "goes off" if they're mistaken for being black, white, asian, hispanic etc... that DOES show the person has issues.

Serious ones.

Because it implies there's a "racial ranking system" of some sort in their minds.

Which is intrinsically racist IMO.

I wish everyone a happy New Year!

Khadija said...

Greetings, Kiara!

Thank you for your kind words about the blog. I truly appreciate it. I hope you'll come back to visit in the future!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Lorraine said...

Hi Khadija,

I am so sorry I didn't make the first 100, but here I am. I have been monitoring closely and taking it all in. I just want to chime in with the fact that I didn't give up my crown. It was stolen and through my life experiences, I got it back with a few extra diamonds. Who knows why God gives us various tests and why we pass some and fail others. I finally got it right and can wear my crown with grace yet armed with knowledge. I have posted over at Evia's my lament with my own dark skinned little black girl chronicles and will not use up your space here repeating it. I will however state that the "Terrorism" that I faced at the hands of my own people had a direct effect on how I perceived myself. I am sure I would have chosen the white doll over the black had I been given this test. That is detrimental to the developing psyche and I don't see that much has changed other than my attitude. I work hard to be a crown retriever and place it back on the lovely heads of little girls who have been injured by colorist terrorism. Mine started in about the 4th grade and lasted through my senior year. The sad thing is that the black teachers I had saw this stuff going on and told my parents "I" was the problem and that I didn't make friends. How in the heck can one make friends when one's own self esteem has been shot down so low that even as a child, she starts to hate everything black including herself? It was brutal and I fight against this mess every day.

Everyone knows that abusive treatment will most likely lead to a woman entering into an abusive relationship. This was no different for me. I did share on Evia's blog that I ran right into the arms of an abusive man because I was used to being beat up, bullied, insulted and the incessant butt of nasty jokes meant to tear down any self worth I had simply because I was dark. One girl asked me, "Why are you so dark?" What in the world was I supposed to say in the 5th grade in front of everyone but "I don't know."

I also recall once in the 8th grade (we should have been getting over this by this age but they weren't nearly done with me) someone threw something at a girl at her desk from behind. She turned around and had the audacity to say --- "Whoever threw that F*#ked Lorraine." I pretended to ignore it but all of a sudden heard a black boy say --"I guess you think you too cute." That was the first and only time a black boy stood up for me. That was enough to give me hope that they were not all bad. This boy was someone who I would never consider a friend, but even he saw the evil and obscenity in that comment and just had to speak up. Everyone else thought it was funny. That language was not used in my household so there was no way I would repeat it to my folks. One ironic thing is that the white kids bused to my school saw how the other black kids treated me and joined right in with the “blackie this, spook that, ghost, black spasm, greasy thang, pitch black, 3rd degree burn and a host of other names. Funny if a white person even hints at a racial insult these same people are ready to call out the NAACP and others to impose the death penalty. They themselves were encouraging racist behavior. SMH

At 43 and the mother of smaller children, I am not a bitter black woman though I know some who have been so traumatized by this terrorism, they still hate most black men. Again, through maturity, life learning, self-appreciation and the sacrifice of my ancestors, I took back my crown and put it on my own head. Let me check, it's still up there. I only take it down to have it cleaned.

Thanks for such a nice blog. So much for not taking up your space. Believe me, I could have gone on, but no need. I think my message is clear.

Have a wonderful New Year!

Khadija said...

Greetings, Lorraine!

You said, "I just want to chime in with the fact that I didn't give up my crown. It was stolen and through my life experiences, I got it back with a few extra diamonds.

...I work hard to be a crown retriever and place it back on the lovely heads of little girls who have been injured by colorist terrorism.

...Let me check, it's still up there. I only take it down to have it cleaned."


Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! {raised fist salute}

And no, I'm not surprised that your teachers watched the skin shade terrorism without intervening. MOST Black adults are infected with colorism. As a people, we're in denial about this. Even while we act upon these self-hating beliefs.

We give these self-hating behaviors new names: "embracing all of who we are," "celebrating our internal rainbow," "embracing diversity," and other such lies. We call our behavior anything & everything EXCEPT what it historically was, and what it IS right now: running from Blackness.

You said, "One ironic thing is that the white kids bused to my school saw how the other black kids treated me and joined right in with the “blackie this, spook that, ghost, black spasm, greasy thang, pitch black, 3rd degree burn and a host of other names. Funny if a white person even hints at a racial insult these same people are ready to call out the NAACP and others to impose the death penalty. They themselves were encouraging racist behavior. SMH"

This sort of behavior is what's so deadly about the current crop of Negro minstrel entertainers. They are giving racist Whites and others permission to degrade us; and are egging this on. In terms of most Negro celebrities, this is just one of many reasons why we need to CUT THEM OFF.

You mentioned, "At 43 and the mother of smaller children, I am not a bitter black woman though I know some who have been so traumatized by this terrorism, they still hate most black men."

This is something that I don't understand about our people. And is one of the reasons why I accepted Islam. I'm not for turning cheeks in the face of oppression. I'm not for forgiving those who want to spitefully use me. I believe in treating people the way they treat me. Good or bad. This is symmetry. This is justice.

I'm not saying that those of us who want to forgive these scum are wrong. [Lorraine, I know that you didn't say anything like that.] I'm just saying that this is definitely NOT for me. LOL!

It's NATURAL to hate people who hate YOU! Everybody else on this planet seems to understand this. And they DON'T resist the natural inclination to have hard feelings towards those who oppressed them.

Thank you for your kind words about the blog, as well as for generously sharing the details of your experiences. I truly appreciate it.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

focusedpurpose said...

hi Khadija!

great post as usual.

taking back one's crown and most importantly refusing, without apology, to relinquish it. i find the latter to be a daily practice.

Evia touched on the crux of the matter for me. having the courage to stand on truth/justice and SPEAK when the imps come against you. as well as others that look like you. and for me, even others in my presence. sometimes, our sisters just need to know that it is o.k. to speak up. oftentimes, they need to see others doing it to get the courage. alas, most folks are followers.

recently, i was talking to a bm who is old enough to know better. he "jokingly" attempted to devalue me. he suggested that i should "come down" to join the other mere mortals and tolerate his brand of "humor". (it is cracking me up to hear that i think i am too good for bm. as of late, i am hearing it often. oh well...) ever notice much so-called "black humor" is based on low self esteem? and the ridicule of black folks especially bw? that is how it seems to me at any rate.

in a joking manner, i played a guessing game with him. i urged him to guess which group of men on this planet seemed to delight in bringing their female counterparts down and to do so publicly seemed orgasmic? i asked him to note this group's position in the bigger picture. i also urged him to consider that both practice and position are related as a nation can only rise to the heights that the women and children are placed.

of course, he looked befuddled.

at that point, i transitioned to a more serious (still light) tone and shared with him that i would not be "coming down" anytime soon. in fact, my interest is only to rise with each day that i am blessed to wake and create.

before he made tracks AWAY from me (selah!:-) i made a point of telling him that i do understand we live in an up-side down/backwards world, however, he should be informed; as a man, he could NOT establish my value/worth. as a man, he could only RECOGNIZE my value/worth. and complete with code switch i admonished him in my best black girl you better get it voice to RECOGNIZE!

this exchange was not at all confrontational. i deliberately choose to defy abw stereotypes. in fact, the men and women he tried to break me down in front of were all laughing as he peaced out.

as i read this post, i realized i was holding tight to my crown in that instance. lol! fighting hard with truth, wit, and humor!

SS's suggestions were spot on for me. thank you! i would only add to that formula, to know your value/worth, know you are worthy and capable of great things, know that what's yours is there and all one must do is prepare, graciously walk in, and boldly CLAIM it. don't ask permission, folks will tell you no you can't have what's yours, if you ask. that's what i have gleaned along the way.

thanks for allowing me to learn more and share. i am truly blessed by the great minds that you draw with your great mind to your house.

blessings,
focusedpurpose

Khadija said...

Greetings, Focused Purpose!

I chuckled as I visualized the human roach you described scurrying away from you! With a quickness. LOL!

Thank you for your kind words about the post & blog. I truly appreciate it. And THANK YOU for setting an example for the clueless and/or intimidated BW that watched you retain your crown!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Ebony Intuition said...

1. I've never lost my crown because I've never been afraid of the dark. I've never found Europeans to be attractive they lack everything I have that's why they try their best to damage us.

They do everything they can to keep us down because if they don't they would not be in the position they are in today.!


2. Every since I was young i've never had a problem with putting Europeans in their place or telling them off when they go on their "i'm superior ego trip", especially european women.

3. There has never been anything pure about European women, they are the same as their men. Racist, Greedy, and want to dominate everything in their path. I can't stand working along side most of them and I actually feel sorry for the men both European and African who marry them and have children with them.

4. Like everyone else who has posted I have experienced being disrespected or treated badly by bm because of my complexion . but at the same time I have also experienced bw who make up completly false assumptions of me solely based on how i choose to wear my hair.

My hair is natural, but i'm not afraid to adorn my hair or wear a variety of styles, like our ancestors have been doing for millions of years.

5. I've always surrounded myself with images that reflect me, that's the only way to stay true to your self. As soon as you start to allow things that don't represent you into your mindframe they over take you and kill your soul and spirit.

JaliliMaster said...

Personally, I think the most honest way to approach this whole biracial/cablanasian issue is to listen to what alot of them say. It did not surprise me one bit when after Barack Obama won, all of a sudden, there was a horde of biracial/multiracial people who were hell bent ob de-blacking him, despite the fact that Obama has, time and time again, said he identifies as black. Funny that they forgot how they (along with alot of white folk)used to make noise about how mixed-race people should be allowed to identify however they want. Fair enough. However, the moment someone came along who chose to identify the way they didn't want him to, all of a sudden, his personal choices became irrelevant. For white people, they couldn't understand why anyone one choose to be black when white people were willing to call them half-white(only when it became obvious he was going to win the presidency). As for biracials, they were angry that this person made a concious choice to be identified as black. The most well-known and powerful 'biracial' person, who would FINALLY set them apart from black folk (in white folks eyes), was being seen as black, even by white folks. I don't mind this stupidity. What irks me however, is how silent they were before the election. Remember, biracial people are only a very small percentage of people in America, and if your only counting the half-blacks, they're even less, so this demographic is not a voting bloc and will not be for a long time to come.

They knew that if they start trumpeting this 'he is not black' mantra, it could lead alot of blacks to not vote for him. Hence, they kept quiet. The moment he won, the floodgates opened. Atleast the white folks who did it weren't so cowardly to wait till AFTER the election, we heard the 'he's half-white' from them when he got the nomination. What's really pathetic is that these "I don't want to be black" biracials don't realise that alot of black folks have noticed this. So how do they think that any other biracial politician is going to do. It ain't white folks that are going to support them. Alot of people are dreaming if they think whites are ever going to see their half-black selves as anything white.

In England, a really beautiful young black girl won the X-Factor(kinda like American Idol), and she is the first black winner. The only other non-white to win it is Leona Lewis, who is biracial. Can you believe that there was a torrent of biracial women online who would call this girl(her name is Alexandra Burke) all sorts of names and just didn't want her to win because they felt that she would be replacing Leona as the new 'black' star in Britain. Not surprisingly, there were alot of white women who all of a sudden became fans of Leona and started hating on Alexandra. These same white women that when Leona won, were angry that some 'black girl' had got it. Yet these biracial women had no problem casting their lot with these ww because they thought it would eliminate competition for the biracial Leona, and the ww figured that atleast with Leona, there was still a white woman that would benefit(the girls mother). I was able to recognise the racist nature of things, even though they would all deny it.

What seemed to annoy these mixed(and even some black) women the most was that everyone(actually white men) were referring to Alexandra as a prettier and sexier Leona. The whole idea that this black girl was being seen as more atractive than this biracial girl(believe me, she is) was ruffling alot of feathers. Simon Cowell now wants to take her to America, and there are alot of the women here who are hoping that she fails. As talented as she is, her not being light-skinned is going to be a hindrance in the American(even AA) market. I hope this black girl get's the support she needs. Yet, when things go wrong, darker-skinned bw are expected to be the shoulder for everyone to cry on. There are several black bloggers out there who aren't really for the upliftment of black women. They are for the upliftment that stops with them. Even some bw bloggers(one in particular who as far as I'm concerned, is a sham), likes dancing around the issue of colourism as she is light-skinned. I will not mention her blog to avoid causing problems, but people, please realise that the fact that someone has a blog that claims to uplift bw, doesn't mean that they are 100% for us, EVEN if they are a bw. Before anyone accuses me of hating, my paternal grandfather is white. I have no problem with people who are mixed race. However, I spent my secondary school years in Nigeria and people's reaction to finding out I have a non-black parent is different than reactions from black folks in the west. In Nigeria, the only way they knew is because my sirname was English. It was something that I didn't even like people knowing about, mostly because I don't relate to it either. Yet in this part of the world, it seems that black people, whether it's the biracial ones or not, are so keen to announce to the world how many ways they are mixed. They'd claim some white, native american etc. heritage, even though there is no proof.

This need to de-black ourselves is toxic. All that nonsense about 'black is beautiful' was just that.....nonsense. Looking around, we can see that most blacks didn't buy it. And the prevalence of white-and-mixed looking women on our screens is not something that can be laid solely at the feet of whites who were uncomfortable with actual black people or black men and their self-hate. It is also due to black women and their foolishness. Yes, you read it right. I say 'their foolishness' 'cuz although I am a black woman(well I'm 21, so I don't know how much of a 'woman' I am yet), my mindest and way of thinking is so far removed from alot of bw today. We allowed our images to become that of women who look nothing like us. We support artists, celebrities etc., who don't support us, yet we complain.

ANy bw with a modicum of common sense can see that Tyler Perry's films are dangerous to bw and girls, yet who keeps on putting money in his ocket and funding his trash......black women. When Sean Combs(P Diddy) made a perfume, this terrible excuse for a creature made sure that every 'type' of woman was represented in the ads....but black women. He wanted to appeal to everybody, yet didn't bother with bw, despite the fact that we(well they, as I don't buy his crap) are the majority of the people that bought his filth. Even when bw complained, he decided to take a picture with all these women and other people in some casino type setting, then stick his baby momma in as the 'tick the black woman box'. We can criticise Ne-Yo's comments all we want, but bw are STILL going to buy his music, let's not pretend.

Years ago, even as recent as the 90's, light-skinned men were the rage. What happened? Black men(the majority of whom are not lightskinned with wavy hair) decided that it was not good for them. What did they do? They started putting themselves in these videos, films etc, wherever they could. However, they kept on making the women lighter and lighter. Light-skinned and mixed-race women who complain about bm chasing after non-black women need to sit down and drink a cup of tea. The majority had no problem with bm's self-hate when it benefitted them. I'll admit, I'm not darkskinned, but am I only supposed to see wrongdoing, and identify it as such, when I am on the receiving end? I have the same attitude to these women as I do to white feminists who want to 'link-up' when they need non-white women for stuff. I offer them a big fat get outta here!

For years and years, black women's psyche has been battered non-stop. Our self-image was beaten. Where were these women then? They saw themselves being put on what they thought was a pedestal so turned a blind eye. Those of us Who may not have been the darkskinned west-african features having type were told to shut whenever we pointed out this evil (yes, it is an evil against back women). Those biracial women who didn't want to wear anothers crown but only their own were told to stop being foolish and enjoy the perks that came along with bm's self-hate and white folks racism. I have no time for fair-weather friends. Don't only stand by me when I'm holding the umbrella, yet when it starts to pour and you've got the umbrella, you run away and pretend not to know me. That's not how life works.

I do find the attitude of alot of bw on ir blogs very hypocritical. These were darkskinned women who ranted and raved about colourism. But the moment they got with a non-black man or had mixed children, they fell silent. All of a sudden, hueism isn't so bad if their children can benefit.

Black women need to reclaim our image. If anyone wants to identify as half this or quarter that, please go ahead. All I ask is that they stay away from black scholarships, black roles in films, any benefit that might come their way on the basis of them being 'blavk' etc. There are biracial grants popping up here and there, and unless I'm mistaken, only biracial people are entitled to them. Frankly, I say cut them off. All those "I wish I were white", "I'm not really black", "I'm ready to coon myself for two pieces of silver" etc folks should be allowed to go wherever they please. We don't need them. It is no loss. When the battle comes, and believe me it will, who do you want by your side. Those who stand in solidarity or those who are barely willing to even stand?!

Khadija said...

Greetings, Ebony Intuition!

The post really isn't about Whites; it's about us. I will say this: It's really pathetic that things have reached a point that non-racist Whites are less color-struck than most Black men.

Yes, our White oppressors programmed us in a certain way. But we've taken the slave programming to new, pathetic depths.

What I've noticed about non-racist White men is that once you are visibly "Black," they think of you as equally "Black" as any other Black person. Unlike BM, they aren't measuring BW by color, or hair "flippability" gradations.

I would also caution against blanket assumptions regarding who's a friend or foe. Instead, I would look at people's actions. I've noticed over the years that many of the BM that do the loudest pro-Black talk have a fetish for non-Black women.
________________________

Greetings, Jalilimaster!

You said, "It did not surprise me one bit when after Barack Obama won, all of a sudden, there was a horde of biracial/multiracial people who were hell bent ob de-blacking him, despite the fact that Obama has, time and time again, said he identifies as black. Funny that they forgot how they (along with alot of white folk)used to make noise about how mixed-race people should be allowed to identify however they want. Fair enough. However, the moment someone came along who chose to identify the way they didn't want him to, all of a sudden, his personal choices became irrelevant...

As for biracials, they were angry that this person made a concious choice to be identified as black. The most well-known and powerful 'biracial' person, who would FINALLY set them apart from black folk (in white folks eyes), was being seen as black, even by white folks."


I also noticed this! A LOT of people don't want Black folks to have claim to anything or anyone prominent.

Regarding Alexandra Burke, you said, "What seemed to annoy these mixed(and even some black) women the most was that everyone(actually white men) were referring to Alexandra as a prettier and sexier Leona. The whole idea that this black girl was being seen as more atractive than this biracial girl(believe me, she is) was ruffling alot of feathers. Simon Cowell now wants to take her to America, and there are alot of the women here who are hoping that she fails."

Thank you for bringing this to my attention (since I don't watch American Idol). IMHO, Ms. Burke IS prettier than Ms. Lewis. I'll pray for her continued success.

It's been my observation that MOST BW are only for what you described as " upliftment that stops with them."


You said, "This need to de-black ourselves is toxic."

Yes. It it most certainly IS toxic.

You said, "We can criticise Ne-Yo's comments all we want, but bw are STILL going to buy his music, let's not pretend."

I don't agree with that sort of defeatist attitude. There have been successful boycotts in the past. There can be successful boycotts in the future. It's a matter of consciousness-raising.

You said, "I do find the attitude of alot of bw on ir blogs very hypocritical. These were darkskinned women who ranted and raved about colourism. But the moment they got with a non-black man or had mixed children, they fell silent. All of a sudden, hueism isn't so bad if their children can benefit."

I would say that it's more a matter of confused thinking than conscious hypocrisy. The confused BW who carry water for self-proclaimed "biracials" are focused on their own individual children's interests. These women have forgotten about their interests as Black women.

These BW who carry water for biracials have forgotten about the damage that these "biracials" have done to the rest of us. All they see are their individual precious little children. Period.


You said, "If anyone wants to identify as half this or quarter that, please go ahead. All I ask is that they stay away from black scholarships, black roles in films, any benefit that might come their way on the basis of them being 'blavk' etc."

Yes. These "biracial" thieves need to be CUT OFF!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Ebony Intuition said...

I know this post is not about whites, I was simply stating that I've never let anyone steal my crown.


"I've noticed over the years that many of the BM that do the loudest pro-Black talk have a fetish for non-Black women."

Yes you are correct this , but at the same time I have seen just as many black women have the same fetish for non-black men, and I don't have a problem with calling it out when I see it. I live in Toronto and trust me when I say that a lot of black women have the same persona as black men running around claiming to be pro black.

@ JaliliMaster

"please realise that the fact that someone has a blog that claims to uplift bw, doesn't mean that they are 100% for us, EVEN if they are a bw. "

Tnank you for stating this because i've seen plenty of blogs like this.

"It is also due to black women and their foolishness. Yes, you read it right. I say 'their foolishness' 'cuz although I am a black woman(well I'm 21, so I don't know how much of a 'woman' I am yet), my mindest and way of thinking is so far removed from alot of bw today. We allowed our images to become that of women who look nothing like us. We support artists, celebrities etc., who don't support us, yet we complain."

Thank you I 100 % agree, bw have allowed this to happen because they did not take control of who they are, and they did not take control of the images that their children view and see (espcecially with black boys). We've allowed others to define us wrongly and then complain about it after.

BW also have to be very in control of the images we allow black boys to see, if we don't then of course they will continue to grow up thinking ww/wm should be treated better.

Great blog Khadija

Khadija said...

Hello there, Ebony Intuition!

Thank you for your kind words about the blog. I truly appreciate it.

That's an interesting observation about the BW you've seen who are mirror images of pro-Black talking/White-worshipping BM.

The BW that I see who are White-worshipping generally aren't talking pro-Black anything. These type of BW (that I've seen) never claimed to be pro-Black. The ones I've seen have skipped over that step, and headed straight to the open worship of anything and anyone White. {shaking my head}

Peace, blessings, and solidarity.

JaliliMaster said...

I agree with you Khadija, I am yet to come across the mirror image of the 'pro-black' bm who worships at the feet of ww/non-black women, I haven't seen that same type of bw. If she is the white-worshipping type, they are usually all there, and not interested in black-anything.

The leader of one of these black/civil rights organisations(he's retired now) has a white wife, which, I'll admit, I haven't got a problem with. But can you imagine a bw with a non-black husband being put in the head position of some civil rights group. Then again, Black women aren't even given leadership roles in the organistaions anyway, it seems we are only good for the role of foot soldier and for making financial donations!

When Black women talk about black, they are talking about black people. For the majority of black men, when they talk about black, they are talking about black men. Some months ago, a link was posted on some blog which led to a blog for black men. Guess what the title of the post was......

"Barack, control your Ho!"

They were saying that the Obama campaign should keep Michelle 'away' and 'shut her up'. Not surprisingly, not one, not even one bm on the blog criticised them referring to Michelle that way, and there were over a thousand comments. I actually scanned through, hoping that one bm commenter would make some sense. Eventually, what did the discussion on the blog entry lead to? How if Barack should win it would be good for bm. Okay, fair enough. I was naively assuming that it would inspire them to do better, encourage young black children(okay, young black boys), but noooo, the men on that site had a MUCH different idea of how it would help. Apparently, the most important thing about an Obama presidency was that it would make white women want to marry them more.

I went on another site and a similar discussion was taking place amongst the bm. So I asked them why Black women should vote for him since the only benefit they could see in an Obama presidency was that non-black women would find him attractive, and by extension, find all other bm attractive. They gave me no answer. Only one poster replied to my question. He said that Black women should vote for him, not because young black girls could take inspiration from his journey, not because Michelle Obama would be a much better representation of Bw than we have in the media today, not because the two little daughters they have would result in more value being placed on the life of other young black girls by the media and everyone else, and little black girls being able to see kids just like themselves in the white house. No. He said Black women should vote for Obama because "it would help black men."

Khadija said...

Hello there, Jalilimaster!

Yep. There are a handful of BM who are protectors and providers for Black women and children, but that is no longer the norm. Currently, most Black men's focus is a fundamentally selfish one. On their interests ALONE, and on their interests to the detriment of BW and Black children.

But here's the catch: This is only possible because BW have enabled this sort of behavior!

This is why I don't spend much energy trying to dialogue with BM who are not protectors and providers for BW and Black children. These sort of parasitical BM no... longer...exist...as far as I'm concerned. They can't even be a "squirrel in my world." LOL!

In fact, I look forward to the physical disappearance of these parasites. Which is what will happen when their host bodies (Black women) STOP propping them up. The Black collective will be MUCH healthier once they're gone.

The way to eliminate that sort of behavior is not to fight it directly. You eliminate it by removing everything that supports it and makes it possible.

This is why I strongly urge every conscious BW to turn away from these types of (useless to BW & children) Black men. In every way. Including not bothering to read what they have to say. Including not bothering to communicate with them.

Instead, it's better for our collective interests to use that energy speaking out to other BW in order to raise their consciousness.

This will encourage more and more BW to stop functioning as enablers for these BM. This will ultimately purify the Black population of this type of useless male. (They are useless to the Black collective because they do NOT protect or provide for Black women and children.)

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

JaliliMaster said...

"Yep. There are a handful of BM who are protectors and providers for Black women and children, but that is no longer the norm. Currently, most Black men's focus is a fundamentally selfish one. On their interests ALONE, and on their interests to the detriment of BW and Black children."

And most Black women's focus is a fundamentally foolish one.

roslynholcomb said...

This might sound pretty trivial, but it's something I've been thinking about for a while now, and think it may well be beneficial to black women. I've read plenty of blog posts about colorism in the black community. Black women talking about feeling like they were ugly because they weren't fair complected. Or feeling that they were limited to black men. Goodness knows I had my issues, but these were not amongst them, and I think I've finally realized why. I DIDN'T GROW UP SURROUNDED BY POPULAR CULTURE.

Growing up we only had one tv in our house. Most of the time it was ruled by my father, ie news programs and/or sports. I watched very little tv growing up, and didn't have access to cable (lived in a rural area) until I was in my own place in my early twenties. I never watched videos, and loathe hip-hop. I don't follow the pop music scene at all, and most of my music is from the 1970s or even older.

We were poor, so fashion magazines weren't even an option, but my parents would buy books by the ton. So we read, and played games, and assembled puzzles.

To this day, I still watch very little television. I like magazines, but as I'm older they're usually of the Martha Stewart/Oprah variety. I think this, more than anything has influenced my outlook on life. Right now, we have one tv in our home. I'm not changing that. At one point, we got rid of cable as a cost-cutting measure, and were amazed to discover we didn't miss it. We've only recently gotten it back, primarily so my husband can follow his beloved English premier league soccer.

I read these blogs and I see that black women consume popular culture by the ton. Studies have shown the negative impact pop culture has had on white women, and they're usually elevated in it. Can you imagine what it's doing to US? Especially as more often than not, it's designed to denigrate us.

Popular culture is clearly not a space for black women to grow or develop a healthy esteem, yet, we seem to consume more of it than any other group. We follow Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy like those people are related to us. Even pure drivel like Sex and the City are on the leading edges of our psyche. And we queue up to watch Tyler Perry's woman-hating screed as though we have stock in his company. Studies have shown that soap operas are primarily watched by black women. Is there any wondering why so many black women seem to be attracted to drama-filled lives?

I think it's crucial to encourage black women to stop following the tv shows, movies, music that are produced in popular culture. Most of it is not created with any inclination towards elevating us. We are more often than not, the butt of the joke, regardless of who produces it.

I think it should be presented as a challenge to simply turn it off. Stay away from the so-called fashion magazines (including ESSENCE). Focus on magazines about good health and making a good life for yourself and your family. Spend that tv time reading, exercising, talking with family and friends, learn a foreign language or just being still. Play games, go out into the fresh air. You'll be amazed at how little you've missed, and how much better you feel about yourself.

Khadija said...

Greetings, Roslyn!

You're absolutely correct. Popular culture is like an airborne contagion. A few of us were more or less inoculated by our families. Others of us were blessed to have naturally healthy immune systems (psyches) even without parental inoculation.

But the vast majority of us are poisoned to our very core by pop culture.

You said, "I think it's crucial to encourage black women to stop following the tv shows, movies, music that are produced in popular culture. Most of it is not created with any inclination towards elevating us. We are more often than not, the butt of the joke, regardless of who produces it."

This is a good beginning. However, it only works for those of us who are healthy enough to turn away from that stuff. In some ways, this is similar to most Black folks' aversion to silence and addiction to noise pollution that we discussed in an Inner Slum/Inner Sanctuary post.

Right now, most AA women literally CAN'T turn away from the tv, radio, etc.

This means that, if we want to see a change, we have to replace the current soul-killing drivel with healthy, life-supporting entertainment images, music, etc.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

roslynholcomb said...

This means that, if we want to see a change, we have to replace the current soul-killing drivel with healthy, life-supporting entertainment images, music, etc.

I agree. This is one amongst many reasons I started writing my own books. My first book came about because I didn't see any books about girls like me. I wanted to write a book for all those black rocker girls out there who always wanted to have a love song written about them. Amongst all the Roxannes, Pattis, Laylas, etc... I didn't see why there couldn't be at least one Callie. So I wrote it.

A few weeks ago Gina had a post up on her blog about making the types of movies we'd like to see. I don't have any real interest in filmmaking (Though I'm reading a book right now that might change my mind about writing a screenplay), but I pointed out that these days pretty much anyone can make a movie and have it go viral on YouTube. Film equipment is cheaper than it's ever been, and you can pick up talent on Craig's List.

Anyway, a poster who claimed to be a filmmaker went on a long tangent about why it's simply not possible. I don't believe that. We have a long history of self-publishing in the black community. It wasn't all that long ago that blacks couldn't sell their books because 'black people don't read.' It took publishing a while to catch on, but when they see money, they respond. I don't see why it can't be much the same with film.

msd said...

Khadija,
Blessings to you and Evia for what you are doing with these blogs. I hear a lot of these things at home, but it is awesome to see other black women blogging about them.

An issue I wanted to discuss (not sure if this is the right post for it, haven't been on too long) is hair. I was raised to know that I am beautiful, and my hair is too, but I think it is a real issue for black women, even those who aren't, in general, obsessing over or worshipping all things non-black. The whole construct of "good hair" is insane to me. And I have a real issue with chemical straighteners. I am so blessed and glad for the upbringing that I have had, because

1. I don't trust anything that will chemically change the texture of your hair (I am majoring in chemistry in college)

2. Most of these straighteners use lye, or sodium hydroxide, which, in my (limited) experience, is not something I want on my skin, and certainly not to be rubbing into my hair! It is a very strong, very caustic base...

3. The "no lye" straighteners use calcium hydroxide, which, although a (somewhat) weaker base, is still very dangerous - I looked it up and found that it can cause eye damage, and targets the respiratory system https://fscimage.fishersci.com/msds/03980.htm

and that on skin, it can cause blisters, and burns
http://hazard.com/msds/mf/cards/file/0408.html

IMO, this is terrifying! Why are bw exposing themselves to these things? The European version of hair is not "good hair" this is another one of these things, that I believe, came from slavery and we need to let go. Granted, the concentration in most hair products is much smaller than the pure substance, but after continuous use? Idk, but don't want to find out.
Sorry to kind of go off topic, but this has bothered me for quite some time.

msd said...

Hopefully a more on topic post...

I feel that our crowns are stolen when we ingest media and don't think about it!

The Ne-yo comments come as no surprise to me, I had long noticed that the women in his videos don't even look like they have (recent) African ancestors.BW need to pay more attention to these things, and point out to each other and our daughters/younger sisters what is wrong here. If we are conscious enough (mostly) to know that the ideals of emaciated-looking models is unhealthy, then we need to start talking about other ways the media depicts bw as unhealthy.

We need to stop wishing we looked like (insert non-bw here) and tell each other we're beautiful. I know that a lot of this has to do with upbringing, and knowing that you are beautiful, but we have to reaffirm this for ourselves. To look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we look good. We cannot expect other people, especially those who stole it, or benefitted from the theft, to give back out crowns. We need to start talking about beautiful bw who aren't Euro-looking. Accepting Anglo-cised ideas of beauty is UNHEALTHY, unless you are an Anglo woman (It can still be unhealthy, because of the super-thin ideal, but that is another issue). We need to define ourselves as beautiful. Part of being attractive is projecting confidence. And we can't wait around for anyone else to do it for us.

Khadija said...

Hello there, MSD!

Thank you for your kind words about the blog. I truly appreciate it.

In terms of hair relaxers, you said, "IMO, this is terrifying! Why are bw exposing themselves to these things? The European version of hair is not "good hair" this is another one of these things, that I believe, came from slavery and we need to let go. Granted, the concentration in most hair products is much smaller than the pure substance, but after continuous use? Idk, but don't want to find out.
Sorry to kind of go off topic, but this has bothered me for quite some time."


The reality is that there are all sorts of chemicals that Black women are frequently applying directly to their skin. I was absolutely horrified after I started reading up on the chemicals involved with typical deodorants/anti-perspirants.

I don't believe in fighting "the hair wars" among BW (I'm not a natural hair evangelist), but I DO think that it's important that BW do what we can to lessen the ongoing chemical assaults on our bodies. Across the board. Not just in terms of hair products.

You said "We need to define ourselves as beautiful. Part of being attractive is projecting confidence. And we can't wait around for anyone else to do it for us."

I agree. BW also need to stop focusing their mental energy on color-struck DBRBM who are incapable of appreciating their beauty, and expand their marriage horizons to include QUALITY men from the global village who can appreciate their beauty.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

samanthaboom said...

Proud hair-flipping biracial here.

I'm not listening to any angry hypocrite forward some lame line of: Excuse dark skin female's bad behavior of name-calling, getting physical, saying mean things, being unfriendly and having an attitude. Overlook that (cuz they had good reason to behave so vilely) and place them first since it's all the biracial and light-skinned womens' fault for, well, being born biracial and light-skinned with light eyes and hair that flips.

I feel sorry for any biracial that lets some angry black chick dictate how they should identify and demand they erroneously label themselves "black" when they are, in FACT, biracial! And who cares if any dark angry person/group supposedly "cut off" biracials, multiracials etc.? I know I don't as it takes nothing out of our pockets or dampens anything in our lives but, I say, they should think twice cuz we make them look goooood!

Outside of male athletes or hip-hoppers, few dark skins in this country have considerable money or power any ol' way. Even historically, often it was the light and/or mixed like Dr. Charles Drew, Booker T. Washington, Langston Hughes, Thurgood Marshall or Lena Horne or currently Halle Berry, Mariah Carey and, now, Barack Obama etc. etc. that accomplished, excelled in education, accumulated wealth, started business or made history.

Kick us out and remain a poverty-stricken, incapable-of-pulling-yourselves-out-of-the-pit-on-your-own, non-contributor to society that constantly has your hands out demanding assistance like the African-looking Haitians in your backyard. Haitians have had their own dang country for centuries - where 95% of the people are all dark-skinned with afro-hair - yet they haven't been able to get themselves, their self-esteem or their country together for 200 years, so good luck!

And what is this whining about biracials stealing 'fellowships, scholarships, stipends and set-asides that were created by and for black people"?

#1 The writer can provide zero proof (with credible links) or quantify her baseless claim of biracials 'stealing black people's scholarships'. She can't because that is called hyperbole - also known as bullsh*t. It's a shame so many females are too lacking to realize that and eating up the things this Khadije chick is spewing and slobbering.

#2 IT AIN'T YOUR (BLACK AMERICAN'S) MONEY and, primarily, scholarship dollars come from whites. You can't tell whites what to do with THEIR money and if they choose to set up W or X fellowship and fund Y or Z scholarship and make it available to those who are African American, biracial, Latino or Asian, that is THEIR business and right. You've NO POWER to change that so keep on with your stereotypical black woman's attitude swirling your neck, talking loud and whining about it.

#3 Black Americans have been too busy wasting billions on perms, hair salons, outlandish hairstyles, cars and clothes (things that have no value or depreciate) instead of saving and pooling. Had they not, maybe they'd have the equivalent of quality and prestigious institutions like the Catholic Notre Dame, Mormon Brigham Young or Jewish Brandeis some Microsofts and Googles or have built more businesses and amassed/passed down wealth to their children. All that instead of a few HBCUs (many of which were founded and/or funded by white abolitionists and Quakers). Outside of Howard or maybe Spelman or Morehouse, too many of them now turn out students that can barely compete and spent too much time partying and going to step shows. Even now, middle class black American students are scoring low on standardized tests and being outscored/outperformed by biracials, children of immigrants, and others from the Caribbean and continent.

IF you allow these comments to be posted (which I doubt b/c I question whether you have the courage) it's OK to fire back. I'm strong and beautiful enough to take it all in stride.

Summer said...

Great blog Khadija, I love it. I agree with most of the comments here re. the encouragement of black women. I've never had problems finding a partner here in Germany, I guess this is partly because I have a healthy self esteem and had a good upbringing from my mom who taught me to always carry myself like a lady and be open minded.

My advice for taking back your crown would be to embrace new things, i.e. other music genres, reading, learning new languages, sports and most important mixing with people (regardless of race) who do you good. As the saying goes birds of the same feathers...I have noticed this myself. So if you currently live in an environment that doesn't lead to a personal development then don't waste time moving. A new environment can change the way you see the world. IMO it's wrong chasing after men, especially damaged men, the more you beg them the cockier they get. Men like the chase, they want things other men (especially powerful (white) men) have. So treat yourself like a queen and carry yourself like the empress you are. Date whoever values and supports you as an individual, you are not responsible for your entire race.

Another thing I personally noticed when AAW speak is typically using colours when describing each other or talking about female related issue. Just be a woman first before you consider being black. Instead of books for black women, just look for books, clothes and music for women. You're an individual not just a colour.

If you think you have reached a certain age and must have children now, please take into consideration that the person you choose will be your future partner and the father of your children. So please don't settle for a partner who has less to offer than you because you have to live with him and bring up his children.

I hope those who read these blogs listen to the great advice our big sisters (I'm early 20's) are giving us. Stop wasting your money and energy on people who don't support you, this kind of behaviour is only displayed mostly by AAW thinking we will get rewarded one day but the truth is the reward either never comes or goes to someone else. This trend is being displayed everywhere populated by blacks, Africa, Caribbean countries, Europe and the US. Most of the times the woman is used up financially and sexually then later the so called Mr. Perfect BM lives for another woman who gets a biracial child and also gets dumped. There are so many biracial children here in Germany being raised by single white women. So ladies live your lives!!!

Love from Germany

Anonymous said...

Im absolutely in love with this "article"...I have been preaching and screaming this for years. I thank you for having the eloquent words and clear thought to acknowledge this privilege/hierarchy and call it out once and for all. We have to ACTIVELY work against this to preserve and "take back our crowns"!