This essay is contained in my new book. I'm delighted to announce that The Sojourner's Passport site has launched! You can visit it at http://www.sojournerspassport.com/.
Everyone, I can't thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement and support; I truly appreciate it. Your support is what made this possible. And here's a special shout-out to my web designers at Educo Web Design. They're nice people to deal with, and they do outstanding work!
Peace and blessings,
Khadija Nassif
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47 comments:
Yep! IR marriage among AAs are most common among upwardly-mobile AA men. Therefore, without a strong degree of racial pride and self respect, the couple's $ is more likely to be donated to something non-controversial like an org helping sick kids instead of an HBCU. This common scenario is a huge financial drain on AAs, especially if the husband earned his money based on connections to and contributions from AAs.
I was going to post onto the previous essay, but I'll post here.
It seems to me that in instances like those, where black women dedicate themselves to black men's causes but the black men don't dedicate themselves to black women, the women are acting like the type of secondary/surrogate wives/concubines/servants that one can find in polygamous societies, where the man can have more than one spouse. The primary spouse is the one who is the most privileges, and the others might be treated like servants, as the first wife rules the roost. So these "primary wives" get the benefits of his activism, but they don't have to do the work of racial activism. The black women secondaries do the work.
As a general matter, it occurred to me that it is not uncommon for these great men, whether married to black women or non-black women, to have as "office wives" single black women who dedicate themselves to the men's careers and interests.
They remain single, while the men are married. If anything, I think the men like having these "office wives" who have no conflicts in their "call to service," no husband and no children who might compete for the women's attention.
But these "office wives" can become vulnerable in that the "great man" is the only man in their life, so they give too much, but get what in return? Think of the woman who had the affair with Jesse Jackson and had a child by him.
Think of Anita Hill. How did some respond when she came out with the allegations? She was painted as a bitter and jealous woman--no man of her own, she was fixated on him, a man married to a white woman. Others said in his support, why would he harass her, a black woman, when he has a white woman she is married to?
Ifetayo,
Let me try to be clear and precise. This isn't about "IR marriage" per se. I don't care about BM's IR marriages. I just want BM to stop trying to block BW from following their lead and dating and marrying out as well.
I also want AA women to STOP the behavior pattern of wasting their support on people who DON'T support them.
This is about:
The stupidity of AA women rallying around OJ. OJ who, if I remember correctly, cheated on his Black wife with a Becky. Divorced his Black wife to marry the Becky. OJ who hadn't said the word "Black" since he married the Becky. OJ who, as soon as he was acquitted on the criminal case (by a jury that has BF jurors in it) went right back to exclusively chasing Beckys.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Skip Gates. Skip Gates, who chose to give all his personal worldly goods to a Becky. Skip Gates who was only fixated on the WM police officer and NOT the Becky neighbor who called the police on him in the first place. Skip Gates who wanted to send/or sent flowers to the Becky neighbor who called the police on him. Skip Gates, whose personal Becky wife has NOT said "boo" publicly on his behalf. Some AA women are still foolishly upset on behalf of Skip Gates.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Van Jones. We haven't seen his personal Becky speak out on his behalf either.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Oscar Grant. Another reader recently said that Oscar Grant had a non-Black "common law wife." Well, if that's true we haven't seen this non-Black woman say "boo" on his behalf. And he's dead. Meanwhile, droves of foolish AA women are still screaming about Oscar Grant.
THIS idiotic behavior pattern of supporting BM who DON'T support us is what I'm talking about.
__________________________
PioneerValleyWoman,
All I can say is that it's absolutely idiotic. And in terms of Rev. Jackson, it's so transparent that even fleeting visitors can see it. A Columbian acquaintance of mine once went to an Operation Push meeting in hopes of getting support for a program that she designed. [She's a middle aged self-described-"White" Latina woman from Columbia. Her deceased husband was an Anglo White American.]
Well, she came back talking about how obvious it was that the (Black) women in the choir were "singing for Jesse" and "singing to try to catch Jesse's eye."
It's all just too stupid.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
@PVW re:
So these "primary wives" get the benefits of his activism, but they don't have to do the work of racial activism. The black women secondaries do the work.
And in addition to these other women being "office wives", many of these black women also serve as "CULTURAL wives" to these bm. The upwardly mobile bm from a typical AA cultural background, for ex. does not have the same, comfortable rapport with Fatima or even with Becky that he has with Sheniqua. Many AA men do not share their innermost feelings about racism or their racial angst and such with Becky or Mei Ling, and cannot really be themselves with these other women. According to some research I've read, some bm don't talk at all to their non-black spouses about racism or related issues, even when these issues are looming large in their lives.
In some cases, where these AA men fly off to get their wives (from the middle East and Brazil), these women cannot speak English well enough to have a substantive conversation. They also lack many, many points of common reference with these AA guys. So when these guys need to talk to a woman, guess who they seek out? Sheniqua--because she is familiar with his background. So these guys usually have a Sheniqua somewhere to "talk" to about various heartfelt or cultural issues.
Sheniqua, on the other hand feels highminded and superior to the legal wife because she has Becky or Fatima's husband talking to her and spending time with her, sharing himself with her, and she knows that these other women do NOT know about this relationship. Still, he goes home to his legal wife at night, the one who, along with her children, will reap the benefits of his work AND many of the benefits from what Sheniqua contributes to him.
Sheniqua absolutely must become shrewder and realize that she's contributing to his life and insist on reciprocity and she must never become his "cultural wife." Let Mei Ling, Becky, or Fatima learn his cultural background and points of reference and fulfill his needs.
However, Sheniqua usually has no idea of the important role she plays in his life. This is one of the reasons why many Tyrones or Vans don't want Sheniqua to date or marry a wm. She won't be available to him anymore or as much in ANY of the ways he needs her or is using her now, unbeknownst to her.
And let's keep in mind that though Tyrone may have black male friends, he most likely (if he's like most males) can't "really" talk to other males the way he does to a woman. A typical male hides a lot from other males. LOL!
Anyway, in such a situation, Sheniqua needs to TOTALLY cut Tyrone/Van off and only talk to
him when entirely necessary. The problem is that so many bw don't realize their value, so they don't place a value on their social interaction with Tyrone/Van.
@ Khadija, thanks again for highlighting these commonsense statements of mine.
Khadija, these essays or so on point! I can't count the times, in the past I might add, my friends and I stood in loooong lines, saved, borrowed or begged for money to go see bm entertainers only to find out much later they would not even consider marrying someone who looked liked us. I remember as a teen regularly reading Jet and Ebony and seeing time and time again bm entertainers/athletes whom I thought loved bw were always posing living large with their non-bw spouse and bi-racial kids. And they usually had some reason why they did not date or mate with bw. And the slow chiseling away at bg's self-esteem began. The thought that some of my money went to support this sickens me.
PioneerValleyWoman - you touched on an trend i have witnessed first hand several times. More married bm hitting on me. They play dumb and try to equate "separated" as the same as single. Thank you for clarifying this odd arrangement. Married bm dating as if they are single and expect bw to go along with it. And if you don't ask the right questions they will continue to date you as if they are single. One guy finally admitted he was married, but made it clear that he plans to stay that way. wow, just too much!
Evia,
You're welcome, and THANK YOU! This should be common sense, but sadly, I see that it's not.
Over the years, I've encountered some AA women who are actually proud of the fact that they support BM who don't support BW! They seem to think that it somehow makes them "morally superior." NO, it makes them "Boo-Boo The Fool." I try to be patient when discussing certain types of indoctrination; but this one angle is just too stupid.
And is TOTALLY out of step with how every other ethnic group of women on the planet behave. This is yet another example of how AA women (AND their children) pay the price for being out of step with BASIC, HUMAN NORMS.
It's interesting. AA males often talk to AA women in a manner similar to what I've heard of how some men threaten their mistresses: "If you don't __________, I'll go back to my wife." Well, in certain crazy conversations, it's the "threat" of "I'll get a ________ [Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima, Mei Ling]."
NEWSFLASH to confused AA women: Having such Negro males leave and take their (often damaged) selves to Becky and the girls is the best thing that could happen to you and your children!
Since such BM are NOT contributing anything of value to your life right now, their departure is of NO concern. In fact, it's a blessing. Once you stop fixating on these BM who HATE you, then you'll have time to focus on finding a QUALITY man from the global village.
Evia, you said, "Sheniqua absolutely must become shrewder and realize that she's contributing to his life and insist on reciprocity and she must never become his "cultural wife." Let Mei Ling, Becky, or Fatima learn his cultural background and points of reference and fulfill his needs.
However, Sheniqua usually has no idea of the important role she plays in his life. This is one of the reasons why many Tyrones or Vans don't want Sheniqua to date or marry a wm. She won't be available to him anymore or as much in ANY of the ways he needs her or is using her now, unbeknownst to her.
...Anyway, in such a situation, Sheniqua needs to TOTALLY cut Tyrone/Van off and only talk to
him when entirely necessary. The problem is that so many bw don't realize their value, so they don't place a value on their social interaction with Tyrone/Van."
YES. AA women need to wise up and get a clue. And STOP contributing anything at all to the Tyrones/Vans!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Wow this is deep and so true. I recall reading a comment on Sara's Interracial Love blog about black women in London marching against racist soccer fans who were throwing banana peels and slurs at black male soccer players. One black female commenter discouraged her black/African female friends from marching and protesting after she found out that most of the black male soccer players have white wives. She was not going out in the cold or rain in London marching for brainwashed black men. Let their white wives protest and march. She also added that many of her female friends were upset with her because she was not being supportive of the cause. They wanted to shoot the messenger. These women were and are dilusional. I don't blame her from withholding her support for the black soccer players. They make millions and they give it white women.
Also be careful when you have any conversations about jobs, resources or scholarships around these DBRbm because they will become hostile. I was talking privately with a colleague about how there are resources drying up for minorities due to the economy and lack of interest. I mentioned some old email I got about scholarships for black men in SC. I didn't know that that a student was eavesdropping on our conversation. I left the desk and this dude confronted me and demanded to know the info. I was talking about. He was adament. I was very suprised about his demeanor and put off guard. I quickly rebounded and said that he shouldn't be eaves dropping on staff conversations. He said so you don't have any information about money/grants. I told him that it was an old email years old and no I don't have anything to share with him. If he wants information about free money or grants he would have to do some research online. He looked pissed off and walked away. Now mind you we were in a library . So even when information is readily available some are mentally lazy. They want me to give them all my knowledge for free. I refuse to be suckered into that. i just point to the books available on free financial resources.
Energize,
Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.
You said, "I remember as a teen regularly reading Jet and Ebony and seeing time and time again bm entertainers/athletes whom I thought loved bw were always posing living large with their non-bw spouse and bi-racial kids. And they usually had some reason why they did not date or mate with bw. And the slow chiseling away at bg's self-esteem began."
I have similar memories; and also similar experiences from reading up on various BM leaders/activists from the 1960s. Let's just say that Bobby Seale's book about his experiences in the Panthers was quite eye-opening (in a way that he probably never intended).
The good news is that the way out of this mess and into abundant life for AA women is very simple: Start setting BASIC, HUMAN standards in vetting men. Start demanding reciprocity in all of our various relationships. And widen our networks to include relationships (of all kinds) with QUALITY people from the global village.
______________________
Sistrunkqueen,
Again, the good news is that the way out and into abundant is very straightforward. When AA women start taking the 3 steps I outlined above, their lives (and their children's lives) will drastically improve.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
I completely co-sign with this post!
This year, I decided specifically that I wasn't going to get caught up waiting for a black man, that I was going to be true to myself despite all of the pressure from my family and my black friends. I've been happier ever since.
I'm young, I have my looks, my body is looking better as I lose more weight, and I have my brains. I'm a prize for one worthy man out there. Why should I waste myself supporting some man who explicitly wants someone(s) who are the opposite of what I look like? And, when I know that there are men, especially non-BM who want me and appreciate what I have to give?
Ladies & lurkers, lets stop playing ourselves. We all instinctively know when we are dealing with a man who's devoted to our needs and desires and who's selfishly using us to get what they want. It's time to listen to our instincts, no matter all of the indoctrination. Because keeping yourself enslaved will only end up with you being miserable, single or not. I know plenty of BW who got married to a BM only to have to deal with the BM spending his time and money with his non-BW mistress as well as other abusive acts.
It's time to live well, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Great post and comments! I'm learning so much from these conversations. I do see how bm gain so much support from bw and end up taking those resources elsewhere.
I have found that recently, my viceral reaction to bm is very different. I don't look for that 'automatic' connection, I don't expect to be greeted or acknowledged, and don't provide such to them (first, that is--I don't ignore proper greetings if given first). i no longer see them as automatic allies in any way.
The comments about bw being used by bm as 'office wives' has me thinking about my worth, and how much I give in social interctions with everyone. I definetly want to examine all of my assets, and look at where they are going and what I'm getting back.
I think that bw (who are not brainwashed in the 'support-all-bm-at-any-and-all-cost' cult) should seriously consider strong efforts to separate ourselves from dbr bm or becky-worshipping bm publiclly, especially politically.
I think our position and pr as bw would be better if we made it known that there are some of us who think and operate differently.
Thanks!
KM,
You said, "Ladies & lurkers, lets stop playing ourselves. We all instinctively know when we are dealing with a man who's devoted to our needs and desires and who's selfishly using us to get what they want.
...It's time to live well, mentally, physically, and spiritually."(emphasis added)
PREACH! The bottom line is that any AA woman who is willing to get in alignment with BASIC, HUMAN NORMS does NOT have to be bothered with this mess! God's Earth is too big, and too filled with abundance for that.
Ladies, STOP hunting and pecking when there's abundance all around you. You just have to leave the prison yards of all-Black social circles, all-Black residential areas; and leave the self-limiting thought patterns that dwell in these settings.
________________________
Felicia,
You said, "There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with these black women who let Tyrone, Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima AND Mei Ling pimp them. Simultaneously. These BW need a check up from the neck up."
Yes, they do; because that behavior of knowingly subsidizing outsider-women is TOTALLY out of step with BASIC, HUMAN norms for heterosexual women. Let me give a simple, everyday example for the lurkers to ponder:
Becky and the girls WON'T buy diapers that have a Black-looking baby on the package! The diaper companies know this, which is why they avoid having Black baby diaper models for their packages.
Don't call Becky and the girls "racist" for this. That's not what this is primarily about. It's more about how most straight women DON'T want to subsidize outsider women or these outsider women's outsider-babies!
It's more about a natural, self-protective instinct that every woman on the planet EXCEPT AA women have!
These non-AA women have the natural, self-protective instinct to want to keep their resources as "in-house" as possible. And therefore more available for THEIR children.
Most (straight) women don't have that degree of aversion to having their resources indirectly flow to other women from their own "tribe." This is because the resources are still "in-house" to a certain degree in that situation; and will most likely work its way back around to all the other women in the "tribe." And therefore, these resources will mostly likely work their way back to supporting the children of the women in the "tribe."
Everybody else gets this. Everybody EXCEPT indoctrinated AA female zombies.
__________________________
Sharifa,
Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.
I'm also happy that PVW and Evia talked about the "office wives." That's something that most AA women never consider; and yet another resource drain that AA women need to STOP contributing to.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Thank you for this post. It is off the chain! AA women appear to be mentally challenged when it comes to AA males and the pathogenic parasite Balantidium coli aka the BC. We are always crying about the male shortage, but refuse to venture outside the mental and physical prisons of DBR AA males and the BC.
I don't know if it is legal, but there are individuals who get paid well for being masochistic. This sort of work might supplement the incomes of foolish older AA women who have made a non-paid living of supporting DBR AA males and the can not resuscitate BC.
Seriously, I don't want to see younger AA women continue supporting derlict individuals who actually hate everything about AA women. Don't listen to lies AA males tell concerning AA women who speak truth depicted as bitter and disgruntled women who can't get a man. It isn't true, and you better heed what is being spoken and act on it. Time will not always be in your favor.
Evia said
The problem is that so many bw don't realize their value, so they don't place a value on their social interaction with Tyrone/Van.
This is it evia! This is way bw are being confused over their worth. this is why there is this massive campaign to tell bw that her 50 bags of gold is just equivalent to 1 of that of black men. It is so that bw will continue to relgate themselves to the back of bm as foot soildiers, servants, clean up women just cleaning up after others and serving as 'resources' for bm and BC.
And sistrunqueen, dont get me started about these foolish black women here in the UK. From their current reactions it is clear that many many uk women are under massive confusion about whats going on and what to do now given how bm are playing it.
A good protion of these women went overboard in building in themselves an iron clad conviction about black love and need for black unity etc, and now that bm have thrown away that whole contract, they can not 'unconvince' themselves so they are left in confusion, and all the energy they have stored for the black unity fight is used running after every single racist slight (usually slight against bm).
I also think many believe they can 'restart' the failed black unity movement from anyone of these campaigns.
Khadija
Just to add. I think bw in the beginning did 'get it', that they they couldnt be championing or working with bm who prefered becky and gave all their worldly goods to them. I think we have records of the grumblings from women in black panthers and other similar orgs showing this. however i believe that gass lighting came into effect to tell bw that this isnt a 'valid concern.' All in all it is this belief that 'we have to stick to black unity agencies' that keeps bw in place for gaslighting and all the rationalization they have to make for bm.
I was talking with a 'black unity' acquaintance the other day and after the usual black unity spiel we got talking about IR and she came out with, 'Well black man have a right to date whoever.'
I said to her (not in so many words), do you see that you are begnning to sound foolish? How does black unity (the uncompromising way we know we as black people define black unity) co-exist with bm being 'free' to date whoever (and of course totally acting on that freedom as they do).
since bw know they have to adjust and 'accomodate' for whatever black men is up to, it leaves many talking and acting like they have two heads pointing in two different directions.
indeed, in order to work within the parameters given and which bw for some reason feel they must abide by( ie black unity but carrying along whaever choices being made by bm), many bw have started to adjust their beliefs and what they know to be right, which includes not indirectly assisting becky live a life of luxury.
I was thinking to myself while the black unity woman was tryng to rationalize for bm 'Wow see how that 'protecting bm' has got you looking real crazy right now!'
Bw have been given two different shoes to wear and they are trying to make out that it is 'fashion,' instead of simply refusing to abide by the instructions!
Khadija,
Rough messages are now necessary.
TIME IS RUNNING OUT for those who want to escape.
Your post was blunt, to the point and RIGHT ON TIME .
There is nothing for me to add as all the salient points have been addressed.
Ladies, STOP hunting and pecking when there's abundance all around you. You just have to leave the prison yards of all-Black social circles, all-Black residential areas; and leave the self-limiting thought patterns that dwell in these settings.
EXACTLY, Khadija. There are MANY men in the global village, including many wm in THIS country, including young wm on college campuses who either PREFER the looks and general "being" of black women or are totally open to bw. I know that's shocking to many people and right away, black folks start trying to figure out an ulterior reason for it. LOL!
As one wm angrily asked me: Why is it that so many black folks want to and try to restrict him to wanting or choosing a ww or whiteskinned woman?
This is why so many AA women cannot believe that a QUALITY wm prefers her or would choose her over a non-bw simply because he PREFERS her. They simply CANNOT believe it.
This is why I continue to put the bw-wm pics on my site and to write essays to dispel this myth, to prove that so that many wm at all levels, including those of high stature, PREFER the beauty of chocolate-skinned obviously African-descended women. These men see BEAUTY when they look at your non-Euro hair, nose, lips, skin texture, etc. This is BEAUTY to them. Many wm have a MUCH-WIDER view of beauty than MOST AA men.
Trust. There are many wm out there these days who are thrilled that they finally can have the woman they want and love her openly. Just look at the picture & blurb re Denyce Graves and her surgeon husband that I stuck in my Ezine essay yesterday. This man could virtually get ANY woman he wants. But he PREFERRED her--an OBVIOUSLY West-African descended woman.
I see that the biggest problem for AA women is that they slink around thinking that there is something less-than about their looks. They have accepted the devaluation of them that the black community reinforces every second.
This is why I would NEVER raise my daughters around AAs. If she were a white-skinned girl, AAs will make her think she's something she's not and if she's darker skinned, they will make her think she's something she's not. Either way, they will mess her head up in a way that will cause major problems later in life. This is because so much damage is concentrated in black residential areas AND in upscale black social circles.
Many lighter-skinned Euro-looking black girls are treated like they're "special" by other Negroes. I see this in the black area near me. Therefore, these girls grow up thinking that this false "specialness" is their key to having a wonderful life. They believe that if other folks have a problem with them in any way, it's due to other folks hating on them because they're "so beautiful." That also is a tragedy in process in the lives of many euro-looking black girls.
In a way, it's even worse these days if you look like that in a black residential area because DBR Negro males there are going to pursue you relentlessly like hounds in heat and they're going to inflict damage on those girls because damaged males inflict damage on ANY woman. I see this happening in the black area near me. There are plenty of euro-looking baby-mamas walking around there.
Part 2
Anyway, I would EXPECT racist whites or tribalist whites (to use your analogy, Khadija) to try to reinforce that typical black female looks are less-than, but most AA women are only indirectly affected by what whites think. Most black girls and bw have their self-esteem re their looks and their VALUE as a human being slaughtered by other BLACK people these days, and mainly the bulk of AA males and their cheerleaders.
This is why I talk about the harm inflicted by AA males on AA females so much. I can clearly see the devastating harm it has caused. AA women need to get AA males out of their psyches OR see them as I do to be just like ANY other male. I'm an AA woman who never had AA males in my psyche, so I can see how other AA women have been so negatively impacted by believing what those males say about them and seeing themselves through the eyes of damaged bm.
I've lived my life AA-male FREE. I can see that I was SO fortunate as I read, hear, and observe so many other AA females trying to contort themselves to be desired and approved of by damaged AA males. Lawdy! And others of you are now struggling to get AA male devaluation of your psyches.
Please! Don't subject your daughters to this. AA male thinking is not going to change; it's only going to get MORE eurocentric. Even the most black-nationalist sounding ones of them are eurocentric, ESPECIALLY when it comes to women. The historical and current record of who they more than likely choose as mates has ALREADY proven this.
@ Halima re:
This is it evia! This is way bw are being confused over their worth. this is why there is this massive campaign to tell bw that her 50 bags of gold is just equivalent to 1 of that of black men. It is so that bw will continue to relgate themselves to the back of bm as foot soildiers, servants, clean up women just cleaning up after others and serving as 'resources' for bm and BC.
So True, Halima. This is WHY AA men constantly try to devalue bw's achievements, looks, etc. and keep bw off-balance in order to get bw and their resources FOR CHEAP, without ANY reciprocity. Instead of the males moving up to the level of bw, they work, instead, to bring bw down and keep them where they can access them and DICTATE all the terms of the access. This is why we have here so many bw who are grateful to have a Negro male to drive around in HER car, laying up with her in HER house, or a Negro male to go shopping for with HER money, or a Negro male to sex without wrapping "it" up (because he complains that he can't get maximum pleasure if he has to wrap "it" up), etc.
It's about the relentless campaign of DEVALUATION of black females. BW activist have to break the back of that devaluation. That's the crux of this.
Khadijah, I've been lurking on your blog for about a couple of weeks. Again, excellent post, excellent points. Thank you!
@PVW and Evia, thank you for putting a title to these draining relationships of the office wives and cultural wives! I witness this on a daily basis in the company I work for, and I've given a title to those BW who coddle these BM in the office as the "Harem of Consorts;" They are a clique of BW, a mixture of single, divorced, as well as married women who rally around a SBM, who they feel has been wronged. However, if you are a SBW, who isn't interested in this SBM for dating, usually at their behest (matchmakers?) or don't pay him any attention, don't speak to him, or just refuse to have anything to do with him, then the "Harem" will gossip, roll their eyes, and foster a hostile work environment for that SBW. It's as if he is their master and how dare you act simple and not cater to his every need.
BTW, Khadijah, you've mentioned the book by Tim Ferris, 4 Hour Work Week; I'd purchased the audio book last year, it really is a good source of information and it has helped greatly with managing my workload. And if I may suggest a book for women dealing with of emotional discipline issues, "Anger" by Thich Naht Hahn is really, really good. It does teach you to first go with in and recognize the source of your angst, and quell it within before lashing without.
Goodness80,
Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.
I almost can't believe that I have to say these sorts of thing out loud to certain AA women. Yet another example of how the AA collective is totally out of step with basic, human norms.
The widespread AA female behavior of knowingly subsidizing outsider-women is TOTALLY out of step with BASIC, HUMAN norms for heterosexual women.
And I keep saying heterosexual women because there's NOTHING in this setup that is of any possible interest to a straight woman: She's not getting romantic thrills and chills from subsidizing this other woman. She's not getting sexual gratification from this other woman that she's supporting. She's not getting material benefits from this other woman that she's supporting. So, what the heck is the point?
Stupid women will allow men to pimp them in the hopes of gaining the above. But for the vast majority of straight women, the very concept of being pimped by another woman is totally out of the question (for the above reasons)! That's the breaking point for most straight women. But apparently not for many AA women. How stupid can they be?
You said, "...the pathogenic parasite Balantidium coli aka the BC..." and "the can not resuscitate BC."
LOL!
Yes, if AA women are going to be masochists, then they at least need to get paid for taking this abuse.
____________________
Halima,
You said, "Just to add. I think bw in the beginning did 'get it', that they they couldnt be championing or working with bm who prefered becky and gave all their worldly goods to them. I think we have records of the grumblings from women in black panthers and other similar orgs showing this. however i believe that gass lighting came into effect to tell bw that this isnt a 'valid concern.' All in all it is this belief that 'we have to stick to black unity agencies' that keeps bw in place for gaslighting and all the rationalization they have to make for bm."
This is yet another confirmation that modern, indoctrinated BF zombies are living WORSE than their free foremothers...because they have allowed Tyrone/Van and his Ikettes talk them into being STUPID about their own interests.
About our cousins in the UK: At least more BW in the UK have caught the hint and have much higher rates of dating and marrying out. Which is necessary in response to the extremely high rates of BM marrying out in the UK (over 50% if I remember correctly---I remember you mentioning a statistical projection that there won't be any Caribbean-British children within about 50 years at the rate that Caribbean-British BM are marrying out).
So, I give British BW credit for having the common sense to look after their own interests in much higher percentages than the deeply confused, deeply brainwashed AA female zombies.
[As an aside, the extremely high rates of British BM marrying out is one reason some of you brainwashed BF zombies need to stop salivating over Idris Elba---given the mass behavior of his BM countrymen, the odds are not good.]
You said, "...many bw have started to adjust their beliefs and what they know to be right, which includes not indirectly assisting becky live a life of luxury."
That's just too stupid.
Part 2
Karen,
Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it. Yes, TIME IS SHORT for those BW who are going to make it.
_________________________
Evia,
You said, "I see that the biggest problem for AA women is that they slink around thinking that there is something less-than about their looks. They have accepted the devaluation of them that the black community reinforces every second."
Yes, too many AA women and girls have had their spirits broken.
You said, "This is why I would NEVER raise my daughters around AAs. If she were a white-skinned girl, AAs will make her think she's something she's not and if she's darker skinned, they will make her think she's something she's not. Either way, they will mess her head up in a way that will cause major problems later in life. This is because so much damage is concentrated in black residential areas AND in upscale black social circles."
Yes, and yet another reason why I praise God for my parents. Unlike most AA parents, they went out of their way to make sure that I wasn't being affected by that colorism madness. Yes, my family drilled the idea into my head that I was "the best, the smartest, the prettiest little girl in the world," but NOT because I was light. But because I was me.
So, as I got old enough to perceive some of the crazy colorist things that were happening outside our home, and went to high school, I was NOT moved by Negroes drooling over my light skin---I could see that their drooling had nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own slave-mentality. Not to mention that girls who looked like me weren't at the very top of the "high-yellow hierarchy" in the Black social circles at my high school because we "lacked" the hazel/green eyes that the "top" girls had. LOL!
Again, I praise God for my parents.
______________________
Qshukura,
You're welcome; and THANK YOU for your kind words about the blog; I truly appreciate it.
Thanks for the book suggestion. Onward and forward!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Evia,
Yes, that is the tragedy. They are not valued for who they are only for what they look like.
Perhaps "value" is not even the right word, more like envy. There is probably a "sadistic" joy in "damaging" these women to "bring them down a notch" so to speak. As you said many of them end up being "Baby Mamas" so, they were still obviously not "good enough" to marry the mothers of their children.
Before anyone starts saying they did not have to get pregnant. These women did not get pregnant by themselves. Any man that does not want children can wear a condom (but we already know how likely that is) or get a vasectomy (and this even less so). When they do not do either, then by default there is an acceptance of the consequences except in the majority of these cases, the BW is left to hold the bag.
Too bad "shotgun" weddings don't exist anymore. It served a valuable community lesson that there were consequences when a woman/girl became pregnant by a man that did not intend to marry her....
Old school AA males did not play with that mess.
I'm glad you liked the comments Evia and I made about "office/cultural wives."
There are some other things to think about here.
Many men know that when single women in particular are willing to become the confidante of a married man, they are secretly harboring the desire to dethrone the wife!
By becoming the confidante, she is in effect "auditioning" to become the mistress and then hopefully the wife, and the men act accordingly...
They tell them the women are "different" from the wife, she understands them in a way the wife does not, etc., etc.
Then, once they are sucked into the emotional intimacy, they physical intimacy follows...That is when the merry-go-round begins.
The mistress tries to find ways to get him away from the wife, because he "must not be happy" with her, why else would he have the mistress, etc.
But he is just enjoying himself with a harem of women dedicated to fulfilling his needs...
Part 2
But as Khadija has said, this is only possible because black women have what I have come to think of as "black male worship syndrome," and this is what motivates them to want to act this way.
They know too that many black women fantasize that they will be able to steal Tyrone away from Becky, and so they act this way and subsidize Tyrone, which indirectly subsidizes Becky.
So they are emotionally involved even if they never become physically involved.
[As an aside, the extremely high rates of British BM marrying out is one reason some of you brainwashed BF zombies need to stop salivating over Idris Elba---given the mass behavior of his BM countrymen, the odds are not good.]
Lol!
Khadija let me clarify, the only 'segment' of UK bw who do not allow their male equivalents to 'outdate' them by that much are the african women. apart from them, the 'other' groups including caribbean women have similar outdating differentials as black women in US. The mixed race group are highly prized by bm so their trends display this advantage.
Let me point out that currently black men have thrown off their restraints totally and you would be hard pressed to spot a bm with a bw unless she is very light or white. This is the condition that your 'cousins' over here are having to deal with so trust me we are under a worst cloud.(you can still see some african couples about). As an example i was in a small church yesterday (say 20 people in all) and out of the three men who appeared to be partnered, two were with ww.
The clear evidence is that bm over here are not even pretending to be interested in bw. And not that we want DBR's and assorted fools to be attached to bw, but the absolute shunning of bw coupled with little signs of bw with other men (commesurate to the extent bm are dating others) leaves bw with a very negative mark against their femininity as you can imagine.
It sometimes is hard to get a finger on the pulse of bw in uk but I think they are as much 'confused' and bambozzled especially by the loud chorus of misdirectors who want bw to blame themselves for the state of affairs. These folks are in charge of whatever black portals are available and have locked out any counter discourse so yes uk bw are under mental siege.
almost ten years ago, i spoke to one of the professors that was involved in the collating of census data on mixed relationships and he told me that 90% of black boys under age of twenty one in relationships/dating were with white girls (note I said ten years ago), and you could have thought this is a hard one to believe but it is clearly as he predicted then, so he was either a prophet or it was all underground and now is open for all to see.
Evia said, "According to some research I've read,some bm don't talk at all to their non-black spouses about racism or related issues,even when these issues are looming large in their lives......So these guys usually have a Sheniqua somewhere to talk to about various heartfelt or cultural issues." Evia raised a number of ways that black men who have "opted out" due to bias and bw hatred continue to use bw. Sheniqua's time and mental energy are EXTREMELY beneficial to the bm because like PVW said she is really doing the job of a wife.She's making up for whatever the wife lacks.It's like that 90% 10% theory bought up in one of the Tyler P movies I saw on bootleg talked about.Sheniqua is his important 10%.She's what he aint gettin at home.When a woman becomes a confidant and burden barer to a man she is making the job of the non black wife very comfy.Not only does the non black wife continue to benefit from the worldly goods the man already has but Sheniqua has effectively ADDED to his wealth and worth.I mean, when people are thinking about giving up or are down in the dumps feeling defeated,as is the case with most bm in regards to race and power, and are in need of a good "pep talk" they go to someone who can uplift them.So they not only keep going but alot of times they accomplish more.Especially when you consider bm who oftentime feel the need to compensate and overcompensate for their blackness anyway.That's partially why they got Becky in the first place.So from Sheniqua's talks they get encouraged and they start to attack all their obstacles head on, effectively moving on up even from where they were.Also keep in mind the wife does'nt have to deal with the headache of having her husband come home unhappy complaining about "the man".Surely again Sheniqua has effectively added to this man's worth to his wife. Not only is she now getting EXTRA worldly goods due to Sheniqua's pep talks but now she is able to have a happy man come home to her everday.BM afforded Becky the opportunity to stay at home,she gets to spend his money,and he comes home happy feeling like everything is gonna be alright.Sweet deal for Becky,Ming or Lupe.Sheniqua is the reason that marriage will withstand the test of time.
"Unlike most AA parents, they went out of their way to make sure that I wasn't being affected by that colorism madness. Yes, my family drilled the idea into my head that I was "the best, the smartest, the prettiest little girl in the world," but NOT because I was light. But because I was me."
My parents did the same with me! It's good to know that there were other AA parents back in the day (I'm 41) doing their job. Unfortunately, this colorism issue is often unconscious.
Therefore it's good that these discussions are taking place out in the open these days. At least on the BW empowerment blogs.
My husband and I have been blessed with two sons but we're trying early Spring next year to sway for a daughter.
It's a win win situation because regardless of the outcome - if there even is an outcome regardless of gender at my age - I have my family. My three men.
Anyway, like Evia, I would NEVER EVER raise a daughter of mine around typical color-struck AA's who are unfortunately in the majority. It's about quality - and non color-stuck attitudes regardless of "race" - when it comes to my friends and acquaintances. Those I expose my children to.
ALL children, boys and girls, regardless of skin-tone, hair-texture, features, etc... are beautiful to me and I don't have this color coded hierarchical notion like most black folks.
It is just BEYOND SAD (and cruel) for parents to produce children they don't think highly of appearance wise. When you don't think highly of your own children's looks, that's a reflection of the way you feel about your OWN looks.
Judging from the behavior of many black folks, there's a LOT of self-love lacking.
Which is a shame.
And obviously, the value of what's INSIDE should ALWAYS be stressed.
This is what makes you or breaks you in the end.
Parents are setting their children up for FAILER when they fixate on the physical to the exclusion of the mental, the social, and spiritual.
There are women of all "races" who are physically considered universally attractive who have resorted to SELLING themselves for money. Because there is NOTHING on the inside where it COUNTS.
One last point, it's true what Evia said concerning quality WM who are interested in BW. They LOVE us and our black selves regardless of skin-tone! They (unlike some others) take the statement "Black Is Beautiful" to HEART and PREFER us and our soft features. If they wanted WW, AW, or HW they would simply be with one. My husband loves it how I tan and get browner in the summer time. He loves it when I sometimes wear scarves around the house, which I consider "head rags".LOL
There is nothing like KNOWING that you are your husbands FIRST choice and not a "substitute white girl" that many light-skinned BW KNOW they are considered by their black boyfriends/husbands.
WM into sistas are really different in a POSITIVE, empowering, and gratifying way.
Khadija,
Thank you for your ever-enlightening messages. We need them. So much damage has been done to bw that we need to hear these messages 24/7 just to begin to see daylight. I must concur with the remarks about the devastation colorist bm have visited upon black women for as long as I can remember, and I'm no spring chicken. It's criminal. My sister has the classic West-African descended looks, and she was massacred by bm because of her looks. It would have been better if they had taken a base ball bat to her because she would have certainly recovered more quickly from those physical scars, but what they did to her spirit is criminal. And this was back in the day when bm supposedly still loved bw. My sister, pushing 60, is just now beginning to recover. I have a daughter who is very lightskinned that the dbr's of course salivated over. But seeing the damage these dbrs did to members of our family, she was hip to what was going on. The minute she'd discover that a bm was colorstruck, she'd drop him like a hot potato. Keep educating us, especially the young. You, Evia, Halima, Faith, and Sara ought to be required reading from middle-school through college. And you ought to put a magazine out on the newsstand,and run other magazines out of business.
Halima, re your comments about the low numbers of UK British women who ARE dating and marrying out vs the higher percentage that we hear about, WHERE is this inflated figure coming from that we normally hear? Is it due mainly to the higher numbers of African-raised women dating and marrying out???? Or is this a fake figure?
And I find it interesting that so many non-African bw THINK that African males DOMINATE their po women into being slaves. LOL! It's true that they dominate the women more than a typical western woman of any group would like, but the women only allow it as long as the men are actually producing. The minute an African male does not PRODUCE for his wife and children, he's thrown under the bus by MOST other Africans (men and women). This is why many African men work 2 and 3 jobs, if necessary, in the USA.
Another critical difference is that African males do NOT DEVALUE their women psychologically AT ALL. They don't use their African-inherited traits to rob their women of their self-esteem. African women grow up with good self esteem generally. Many continental African women don't find out that they're "ugly" or unattractive to blacks until they leave Africa. For ex., continental African males DO NOT lavishly worship light-white skin. Yes, some of them may gravitate towards it, but it's not nearly what it is--in the west. It's not blatant and even though some of them like lighter women, they ALSO still like dark chocolate women.
Also, African women, in general, are MUCH more aggressive about not tolerating nonsense than AA women. The difference is that African women are NOT LOUD, but they're very aggressive and relentless. They mean what they say. If you mean what you say, you don't need to be loud. The key thing is that they also have support from other African women when it comes to protecting what's rightfully theirs. Culturally, they're not going to allow any other woman to steal what rightfully belongs to their children--if they can do anything to help it and African women can do plenty to African men because those men live around African women. Many of those men would end up poisoned to death (by African women or men in their families) or meet some other "mysterious misfortune" like blindness or erectile dysfunction or death. African women do NOT play with anything or anybody who will take food away from their own children. Their culture will support them on that.
And continental African women who are reading this--y'all know I'm telling the truth. LOL! Yes, African men do dirt, but they know not to cross the line with African women when it comes to certain things. So when it comes to dating and marrying out (with the scenario we have in this country and in the UK), no way would any African woman be "waiting" for an African man when there are plenty of wm and others around. It would just never happen.
This is why many people (including me, up until 3 years ago) think that AA women are satisfied being alone, because if they're not, then what are they waiting for?????
It would be good if AA women and African women could really communicate, but it's tough because it's hard for African women to understand the ABCs of why AA women put up with DBRbm here. And AA women have their issues with African women too. I'm glad that I've benefited enormously from what I've learned from both groups AND from living among whites. I'm tri-cultural in key ways.
I witness this on a daily basis in the company I work for, and I've given a title to those BW who coddle these BM in the office as the "Harem of Consorts;" They are a clique of BW, a mixture of single, divorced, as well as married women who rally around a SBM, who they feel has been wronged. However, if you are a SBW, who isn't interested in this SBM for dating, usually at their behest (matchmakers?) or don't pay him any attention, don't speak to him, or just refuse to have anything to do with him, then the "Harem" will gossip, roll their eyes, and foster a hostile work environment for that SBW. It's as if he is their master and how dare you act simple and not cater to his every need.
*cackles*
At my job he was a middle-aged pastor type that they catered to. He is married AND a cheater.
My former boss (white guy) actually called it out...as a "harem". Folks aren't stupid. The pathology is out there for the world to see.
***
Most black girls and bw have their self-esteem re their looks and their VALUE as a human being slaughtered by other BLACK people these days, and mainly the bulk of AA males and their cheerleaders.
This has been my personal experience. I now work in an office with people like that. Too many of "us" in an office is never a good dynamic.
Last week a group of non-black friends were commenting on how our mutual friend looks. She is mahogany-skinned. Their words: "beautiful, pretty, exquisite". (She's also a Stanford grad.)
I have another dark-skinned friend who was described as "stunning" by a non-black friend. This lady was given hell for her dark skin (by blacks) growing up.
I have never heard black males fawning, with total adoration any woman that was not light-skinned or non-black. I don't mean in an intellectualized "we should say this 'cause other non-black folks see it" way like Lauryn Hill either. I mean with utter abandon, desire, awe and respect. Not in a King magazine booty shot.
I find it amusing that Mrs. Skippy, Mrs. Jones and not real Mrs/baby mama Grant are M.I.A., yet Tim Wise is callin' folks out all over CNN.
I think black women provide without reciprocity because in BW's thinking "it is better to give than to receive." Then there is the thinking of "give without expecting return".
The martyr complex.
You know, the church talk. It is true under certain cases that you give. But in these social terms and circumstances it is NOT appropriate.
Khadija, this post is right on time. BW need to shake themselves awake for the clock is ticking!
I was a "bottom woman"/office wife once; sheer boredom helped me walk away from the foolishness and insulated me from further damage. I no longer deem BM my automatic allies--in fact, they're the enemy in my eyes now (a bit extreme, I know).
I shall keep the above steps in mind and rewrite the stringent standards every NORMAL man who wants my acquaintanceship must meet or exceed. I get mistaken for a man on the phone, but I refuse to work like one to feel/be wanted by a man!
*ahem* thanks again, ladies for the clarification.
You, Evia, Halima, Faith, and Sara ought to be required reading from middle-school through college. And you ought to put a magazine out on the newsstand,and run other magazines out of business.
I second this motion. An LLC perhaps?
Halima,
You said, "Khadija let me clarify, the only 'segment' of UK bw who do not allow their male equivalents to 'outdate' them by that much are the african women. apart from them, the 'other' groups including caribbean women have similar outdating differentials as black women in US. The mixed race group are highly prized by bm so their trends display this advantage."
Well, here's a round of applause for African-British women for having common sense! {applause} It might be helpful to figure out what those African-British parents are teaching their daughters that enables them to look out for their OWN interests over there.
You said, "Let me point out that currently black men have thrown off their restraints totally and you would be hard pressed to spot a bm with a bw unless she is very light or white. This is the condition that your 'cousins' over here are having to deal with so trust me we are under a worst cloud.(you can still see some african couples about)."
Lord have mercy.
_______________________
Truth Prevails,
You said, "Sheniqua's time and mental energy are EXTREMELY beneficial to the bm because like PVW said she is really doing the job of a wife.She's making up for whatever the wife lacks.
...When a woman becomes a confidant and burden barer to a man she is making the job of the non black wife very comfy.Not only does the non black wife continue to benefit from the worldly goods the man already has but Sheniqua has effectively ADDED to his wealth and worth.
I mean, when people are thinking about giving up or are down in the dumps feeling defeated,as is the case with most bm in regards to race and power, and are in need of a good "pep talk" they go to someone who can uplift them."
Yes, and BM need a LOT of pep talks.
You said, "...Also keep in mind the wife does'nt have to deal with the headache of having her husband come home unhappy complaining about "the man"."
Yes, I hope some of y'all can see just how convenient you make it for Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima AND Mei Ling---Because you're silly enough to serve as an "office wife" to these males, these women don't even have to be bothered with listening to them whine at home. All thanks to YOU.
You said, "...Surely again Sheniqua has effectively added to this man's worth to his wife. Not only is she now getting EXTRA worldly goods due to Sheniqua's pep talks but now she is able to have a happy man come home to her everday. BM afforded Becky the opportunity to stay at home,she gets to spend his money,and he comes home happy feeling like everything is gonna be alright.Sweet deal for Becky,Ming or Lupe.
Yes, it IS a sweet deal for Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima AND Mei Ling. All thanks to the foolish BW who subsidize their lifestyle and prop these males up emotionally.
Part 2
Felicia,
Not all AA parents were out to lunch about colorism back in the day. *Smile*
___________________________
Celeste,
You're welcome; and thank YOU for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. NO, I CAN'T take on any more projects of any kind---I'm already working on too many things.
_____________________________
Evia,
You said, "The minute an African male does not PRODUCE for his wife and children, he's thrown under the bus by MOST other Africans (men and women). This is why many African men work 2 and 3 jobs, if necessary, in the USA."
It would be good if AAs caught this hint.
You said, "The key thing is that they also have support from other African women when it comes to protecting what's rightfully theirs. Culturally, they're not going to allow any other woman to steal what rightfully belongs to their children--if they can do anything to help it and African women can do plenty to African men because those men live around African women."
DA*N RIGHT, this is what I'm talking about! Foolish AA women who are putting food on Becky's, Lupe's, J Lo's, Fatima's, and Mei Ling's table while they and their own children make do with less.
You said, "Many of those men would end up poisoned to death (by African women or men in their families) or meet some other "mysterious misfortune" like blindness or erectile dysfunction or death. African women do NOT play with anything or anybody who will take food away from their own children. Their culture will support them on that."
{chuckling}
________________________
LaJane Galt,
You said, "I find it amusing that Mrs. Skippy, Mrs. Jones and not real Mrs/baby mama Grant are M.I.A., yet Tim Wise is callin' folks out all over CNN."
Why should Mrs. Skippy, Mrs. Jones and not real Mrs/baby mama Grant lift a finger speaking out when so many stupid AA women are screaming on behalf of their Tyrones/Vans?
______________________
Rainebeaux,
Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it.
_______________________
The Writer, The Actress,
Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it. But NO, I CAN'T take on any more projects of any kind. I'm already working on too many things.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
You, Evia, Halima, Faith, and Sara ought to be required reading from middle-school through college. And you ought to put a magazine out on the newsstand,and run other magazines out of business.
I agree that this is where we could have the greatest impact. Actually, what we write would definitely save and elevate many lives of bw if we could reach them early enough or at any point.
My 2nd book of essays--which also contains many highly enlightening comments from readers over the last 3 years-- will be out within the next 2 weeks. Please refer bw to my site. My essays can be downloaded onto iPhones and other e-reading devices, on any computer, can be bought in paperback form, etc. and they will also be available in audio form at some point for iPods. I'm doing my part to get the word out. But some of y'all also have to do your part and spread the word by sending other bw to our sites.
Also, if anyone knows anyone who can choose materials for the women's studies department, booklists and such in a college, university, or program of any sort like that could get the word to a wide readership of young women, please have them contact me. It may actually be a ww, aw, or non-bw who would get our material out there because so many AA women, who are in the position to do it, are still in the Matrix and would therefore hate on us or be scared to death to get bm and the bc mad at them. SMH
Evia said:
I agree that this is where we could have the greatest impact. Actually, what we write would definitely save and elevate many lives of bw if we could reach them early enough or at any point.
Many libraries take donations. Something for everyone to think about. :)
Hello All,
I think we're doing great work at pointing out the pathologies that are tearing us apart. I for one would really like to see we can recover from the onslaught of this broken thinking. So we've identified some problems, and laid bare the ways in which we've been robbed of more abundant thinking and living. It would be helpful to me to hear about some strategies for building oneself up from this and really reaching for that more abundant life that I've been told my whole life doesn't belong to me. How do you build yourself up after being told countless times from countless sources, that you're of no value? If we're really about black women's empowerment then what are the concrete steps? That common sense that we're all supposed to possess? I'd like to hear from others what has worked for you, because for me, for every act I do to try to make myself feel better and valued, there are 25 that show me otherwise. How does one empower oneself in the face of that?
Evia the next census is round the corner and i think it will have a lot of suprises in store. I might have exagerated a little but anyway the overall percentage is worked out considering the numbers of the african, caribbean and others.
(I shall try to locate any new studies).
Another great post Khadija. I too was raised in a home where we did not play the colorism game. Unfornately when we went to our relatives house or all Black settings we were subjected to it. I remember defending my little sister who is dark brown. Me and her look exactly alike except I'm light skinned and she is dark skinned. I was 14 at the time and she was 8 when a black boy who was 14 pointed to her and stated how she was ugly, black and proceeded to touch her hair to pretend that it was so hard that it cut his hand. I immediately shoved him and told him he better not ever talk about my sister again or try to touch her. She is not ugly she looks just like me. I too noticed while at college the revolutionary types always had a light skinned or a non- BW on their arm. I never have dated any BM who had a preference for only light skinned BM because to me it was a reflection of self hate. Light skin does not automatically mean your cute and dark skin does not automatically mean your ugly. As far the Van Jones incidence we need to just take a step back. We do not need to automatically support a BM every single time he gets into trouble. Let's wait and see what the facts are first and then decide if this person is worth it. Let's take page from Becky, J Lo and others. Let's let BM defend other BM. They do not need our help. We are not every BM mother or persnnal care taker.
Until BM show that they willing to defend and support BW and their children let's not lift a finger. If we do not support them they will have to rise and fall on thier own. And we all know that many BM will fail but instead of taking BW with them they will only take themselves.
Khadijah,
I've lurked for a long time and really hope this first time post makes it through. I want to answer one of the questions a commenter posed:
How do you build yourself up after being told countless times from countless sources, that you're of no value? If we're really about black women's empowerment then what are the concrete steps? That common sense that we're all supposed to possess?
You asked for concrete steps so I will try to lay them out for you as best I can. This is what has worked for ME. Black Women Empowerment involves three basic steps:
. Evaluation of one's relationships
2. Developing a value system that enables one to pursue actual GOALS and not just maintain.
3. Have a good credit rating***.
Now, #1 is the hardest because it will force you to stop lying to yourself about the low-value folks that are sucking you dry. An HONEST account of your personal relationships is necessary AT ALL TIMES until you are out of the matrix. And even then, you can't afford to get careless and sloppy. Evaluating is something every grown woman should be able to do. It means listing (if necessary) the positives and negatives of an association. Seeing it in front of you on paper may help put it in perspective. Be BRUTALLY honest and don't hold back. No one is going to be watching you do this. Once you have your answer, you must begin to either cut folks off or reconfigure the relationship to keep you the most "free". Some women cannot afford to give people the "finger" because their literal lives are at stake. Be cautious and always prepare for what COULD happen once you decide to act "brand new" around folks.
#2 is the next step. Once you have your relationship boundaries set and IN PLACE, you can start focusing on your way out. From here on out, what does your value system look like? Our VALUES are so incredibly important. Many black women seem to have different value systems for themselves and others. We all know this. One thing black women must do is SET STANDARDS ACROSS THE BOARD. Your values HAVE to be in line with your goals. If your goal is to finish your college degree, your values have to be in line with that. That means that people how downplay education or call educated people "uppity" are antithetical to YOUR new set of values. This means they have no place in your life. If your goal is to marry a good man, well, you know where I am headed with this. Your GOALS and VALUES must be on the same page. Too many black women have goals all over the place and GUTTER values or they allow GUTTER values to infiltrate their minds.
#3 is important because it will enable you to live ANYWHERE YOU WANT. As we have seen from recent news stories, all-black neighborhoods are no place for black women and children to be. Unfortunately too many middle-aged and older black women are STUCK. They have NO WAY to get out of those places because many of them are so beaten down. However, it is not impossible. One of the biggest barriers to living safely for black women is our credit scores. WORK ON YOUR CREDIT and if it is good, keep it that way. "Credit" is white people's way of insuring that only responsible people live near them. Many black women have let their credit go to crap helping some DBR out. If you want to live in peace, you gotta have good credit. Work DILIGENTLY on repairing your credit. 2-3 years may seem like a long time but with a lot of hard work you can really turn things around.
Hello, I usually just lurk here, but I wanted to comment regarding UK Caribbean Black women. One study says that "48% of Black Caribbean men and 34% of Black Caribbean women are in mixed-race relationships. (Page 30)" http://www.independence.co.uk/shop/citizenship-and-participation/issues/racial-and-ethnic-discrimination - (You have to pay for the full report.)
An article about the report (free).
http://www.afroromance.com/blog/study-interracial-relationships-causing-black-people-in-the-uk-to-disappear.htm
Shermyb,
You said, "It would be helpful to me to hear about some strategies for building oneself up from this and really reaching for that more abundant life that I've been told my whole life doesn't belong to me. How do you build yourself up after being told countless times from countless sources, that you're of no value?
If we're really about black women's empowerment then what are the concrete steps? That common sense that we're all supposed to possess? I'd like to hear from others what has worked for you, because for me, for every act I do to try to make myself feel better and valued, there are 25 that show me otherwise. How does one empower oneself in the face of that?"
Shermyb, I don't know how long you've been visiting the blog, but we've been talking about solutions all along. *Smile*
There's a button (with a photo of a life jacket) at the top right of the blog that says "Save Your Own Life." This button leads to a post that links to 4 solution-intensive posts and conversations. Please take the time to read these particular 4 essays AND conversations, and then get back to me. After you've digested all of that, we can talk some more about it.
Reese gave you some very good suggestions---I agree with them. I'll also mention some specific points that have been raised in earlier conversations.
In addition to the interaction inventories that Reese mentioned, I would ask you to take stock of what you are physically surrounding yourself with. And take stock of what images you're bombarding yourself with on a regular basis. As I mentioned during Part 1 of the Self-Determination series:
"Ladies, if you have Black-oriented magazines in your homes, whose images are you surrounding yourselves (and your children, if you have any) with? Are you surrounding yourself with images of White women's children like Alicia Keys? Halle Berry? Lisa Bonet? Persia White? Rashida Jones? Jennifer Beals? Jasmine Guy? Victoria Rowell?
Are you surrounding yourself with images of Black women who look like White women's children like Vanessa Williams? Are you watching music videos packed with biracial/light-skinned women? If so, have you considered the possibility that this is not healthy for your psyche?"
A number of specific suggestions regarding outward appearance and self-presentation came up during the Flawless conversation---there's a button that links to this conversation at the right of the blog masthead. The button asks, "Black Women: Are You Ready To Feel Flawless?"
Part 2
I'll also repeat some specific suggestions that a reader named Aphrodite mentioned during Part 2 of the "All Colored People That Want to Go To Kansas" conversation:
"Aphrodite said...
Hello Khadija.
Wow Sister Seeking Miriam,
That was a lot of really good info. Thank you so much for putting that out there.
"*Credit repair --preferably raise your credit to the highest score"
This is an area that I have been interested in for a while and sometimes I help my friends and family.
Here is the link to getting your free annual credit report.
https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp
If a person wasn't able to do that then here are the numbers and addresses for the three major credit bureaus:
Equifax
P.O. Box 740256
Atlanta, GA 30374
(800)-685-1111
Experian
PO Box 2002
Allen, TX 75013
(888) 397-3742
TransUnion LLC
P.O. Box 2000
Chester, PA 19022
(800) 888-4213
The info above doesn't include your score, (you have to pay for that) but gives you details on what is listed.
One way that someone can get an idea of their score is to go to freecreditreport.com and sign up, but then cancel before the trial period is up. It will not give you all the scores, only one, but you can kind of get an idea of where you stand by looking at that one.
This is a good credit forum that I have used as well as some of my family members in the past for credit repair.
http://consumers.creditnet.com/Discussions/credit-talk/
You have to sign up and become a member, but they have a lot of tips for a person who wants to rehabilitate really bad credit to people who want to improve from good to excellent.
They cover everything in archived posts from advice for people who are being sued, (from those who have been or are currently in that position), garnished, to the laws concerning credit, and even tips and tricks to get around potential negative decisions.
They also cover how to build credit, tips and tricks for getting around not having a long credit history, dealing with identity theft within families etc..
Sometimes people who used to work for banks and collection agencies post there and they give some insider info from time to time.
Another website that is good is the yahoo group who pulled my credit.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/whopulledmycredit/
When you join they have a spreadsheet you can download that tells you what company pulls which credit report - giving you the opportunity to work more intensely on that particular report before applying for credit with the company.
January 2, 2009 7:37 PM"
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@Aphrodite: Thanks again for your very helpful comments during these conversations!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Nathifa,
Thank you for your kind words about the post; I truly appreciate it.
When it comes to supporting anybody, I only support the people (of whatever race, creed, or color) who support ME and MINE. Period. This is the only criterion that I use.
I do for others what they do for me and mine. If they're not doing anything for me (which is their right), then I'm not going to do anything for them. This is reciprocity; this is justice; this is a FAIR EXCHANGE. Something in return for something of comparable value. And nothing in exchange for nothing. Across the board.
________________________
Reese,
Hello, and welcome aboard! {waving} I'm delighted that you de-lurked to assist another reader. I like it when we all reason TOGETHER. I'm NOT any sort of guru. These conversations are only as useful as the input that you and other readers provide. THANK YOU for offering helpful suggestions!
_________________________
Shel,
Hello, and welcome aboard! {waving} I'm happy you decided to de-lurk!
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Shermyb, you said:
I'd like to hear from others what has worked for you, because for me, for every act I do to try to make myself feel better and valued, there are 25 that show me otherwise.
As Reese and Khadija pointed out, there's plenty to read and in turn act on. What I myself have done is continue to read and then act on what I want/need done. For example, I have goals to move to another state; to finance same, I'm looking now for a second job (or a new, better paying one altogether). I'm simultaneously looking for work and otherwise doing thorough research for my new home.
As for the immediate, personal stuff to fight off, again, I'd recommend writing the feelings down (the journal is optimal but not mandatory: I have access to lots of scratch paper at work. Of course, I take the writings home.)
Something tells me you'll be one of the few who'll make it, but bear in mind (however painfully) most won't. Another thing I'd recommend is pass links to this and other BWE blogs along to whoever will listen. As Khadija, Evia et al have stated numerous times in I forgot how many ways, a fine line will be drawn between the permanent black underclass...and everyone else who managed to escape same. I'm unsure whether the 25 you spoke of were the things or people you're struggling with, but either way a brand spankin' new mindset and more people who will reciprocate are needed.
Read, reread as needed (but don't tarry, of course), document goals and necessary actions, take action, repeat. Sounds too simple, right? I thought the same thing until I realized most AAs are good at droppin' rocket science, making the basics mad complicated. It is imperative that we dodge such anvils--our lives depend on it.
Reader Whose Off-Topic Comment I Just Rejected,
Serena Williams and "her coarse behavior" have nothing whatsoever to do with this topic. [It's disappointing to see folks take a very basic idea and get it all twisted up into other things.]
Let me repeat. This is about:
The stupidity of AA women rallying around OJ.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Skip Gates.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Van Jones.
The stupidity of AA women rallying around Oscar Grant.
The stupidity of AA women supporting any BM (including BM college students) who will then take their resources and give them to Becky, Lupe, J Lo, Fatima and Mei Ling.
This particular behavior pattern of foolish BW supporting BM who then use those BW-donated resources to support non-Black women is what this is about.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
***Audience Note***
I think we've covered all the important angles with this particular topic. So, I'm going to close the comments to this post in a few minutes.
Onward and forward to the next topic.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
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