Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Sojourner's Path: Find And Embrace The "Market" That's Best For YOU

Let's get back to our "regularly scheduled programming" about personal transformation, and practical steps toward living out our Wildest Dreams. I've been reading a fascinating book titled How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World by a Libertarian ideologue named Harry Browne. The book can be found at http://www.trendsaction.com/

I generally don't care for Libertarian politics or ideology, but after reading several references to the book I decided to check it out for myself. I'm happy I did. The author talks about a lot of things that are easy to forget under the constant barrage of dysfunctional, mass African-American, "new-school" culture.

Mr. Browne talks about what he calls "the despair trap" versus "the general market." My comments are in blue:

"The Despair Trap is the belief that other people can prevent you from being free. Despair isn't hard to come by. . . [i]f you've been trying to convince your friends and family to accept your way of life, you probably feel very misunderstood and unappreciated by now. [Khadija speaking: The unhappy reality is that the people around you who don't "get it" at this late date probably aren't going to make it as The Endless Night of Permanent Underclass Status For African-Americans becomes entrenched. Grieve for them---but not for too long. You have to keep it moving in order to survive and thrive!] How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1117-26.

Despite these kinds of problems, the goals of freedom and happiness are totally realistic. If they aren't being achieved, it's the method that's wrong, not the objective.
[This is a critical point. There are so many vampires screaming at African-American women that it's somehow "wrong" for them to seek happiness and fulfillment. The vampires say this even though they are busy doing whatever they want to do. The vampires are typically NOT making the sacrifices that they demand of African-American women.]

You have to accept the world as it is. But that doesn't mean you should look at the people who oppose your ways and conclude that there's no chance to be free. The world includes much more than just the people you've been dealing with.

There are undoubtedly many, many people with whom you have nothing in common.
But there are also plenty of people who see things in much the same way you do. If you haven't come in contact with them, it may be because you've unnecessarily confined yourself to those with whom you've been associating.

And it may be that you haven't discovered ways of finding the kinds of people who could add to your life, instead of detract from it.
How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1126-35.

[It's impossible to overemphasize how VITAL it is for African-American women to STOP socializing in all-Black circles and settings. These are radioactve settings filled with degradation and spirit-breaking despair for any Black woman who goes there. I know that for many of us, these all-Black settings are all we know. And I know that many of us figure "better the devil we know."

I'm saying NO! The Damaged Beyond Repair (DBR) African-American males you encounter in all-Black settings are orders of magnitude WORSE than the general population of men in the outer world. Just open your eyes for a moment and look around. Look at how other ethnic and racial groups of men generally protect and provide for the women of their group. Look at how these other women and children are living. And then look at how totally unprotected African-American women and children are. I'll make it plain. At this point in time, things have deteriorated to the extent that: All-Black Settings = Death For Black Women. On many levels. Emotional death, spiritual death, and in ever-increasing numbers, physical death.]


The popular conventions of society might discourage you from breaking out of uncomfortable situations to find those people. Such hallowed traditions as one marriage, one career, one employer, staying in one place, etc., can cause you to feel that you must make the best of whatever situation you're already in.

But 'making the best' frequently means either giving up your own happiness or trying to change others. Neither way makes any sense.

You don't have to stay where you are. You can look for someone who doesn't have to be forced to love you, someone who will be enthusiastic about what you have to offer, someone who will help you get what you want because it will be in his self interest to do so.

You're in the Despair Trap if you believe that you have to stay where you are and work things out somehow. Or if you believe that you couldn't be any better off if you were to change your situation. Or if you think that the government or society can stop you from being free. How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1135-44 (emphasis added).

The General Market embraces personal relationships as well as commercial ones. All relationships are governed by market principles as individuals come together, exchange or share as appropriate, and work toward the advancement of their own happiness. The same principles apply to finding a friend that apply to finding a buyer for your product.

Within the General Market there's a whole world of potential relationships for you if you realize that you don't have to please everyone.

If you want a marriage partner who's compatible with your way of life, you don't have to prove to everyone that your way is right. You need to find only one person who meets your needs and who wants you as you are.

You don't need millions of friends; you only need enough to provide the companionship and shared interests you'd like to have. So it isn't important what the other people are like." How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, Amazon Kindle Locations 1144-54 (emphasis added).

A Sojourner does not cast her pearls before swine. Instead, she finds and embraces the "market" that's best for her.

Are you seeking and embracing the market that's best for YOU?

26 comments:

Felicia said...

"A Sojourner does not cast her pearls before swine. Instead, she finds and embraces the "market" that's best for her."

Khadija,

You were reading my mind...

The post I just left on Faith's blog is appropriate here as well. So I'll just cut and paste.

Two other appropriate idioms I'd like to leave the reading audience with are...

Lie Down With Dogs, Wake Up With Fleas

AND

Why Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Today?

---------------------------------------

Black women need to swallow the red pill and leave the Matrix for good.

Because it is a FALSE reality that most BW are living in.

REAL life (worth living that is) exists OUTSIDE of all black mental constructs and all black physical environments.

There is an ABUNDANCE of love, good men, greater safety, normality, etc. OUTSIDE of the "bc".

The ONLY reason why BW are operating from a position of lack (an illusionary position) is because they're still psychologically and physically mired in the "bc".

They're so mired in confusion (as a direct result of physically and mentally residing in the "bc") that they literally can't see straight.

Sistas need to take the red pill ASAP.

And start thinking of themselves as WOMEN first and foremost. Before "race".

BW need to start playing the BEST card they have which is their womanhood.

Their femininity.

And most importantly they need to stop throwing pearls before swine.

Meaning, associating with/sexing/procreating with DBR men of ANY "race".

BW collectively have been throwing their pearls before black swine (DBRBM) and have absolutely NOTHING positive to show for it.


Only the BEST, non colorist, undamaged, gainfully employed, and family oriented man in the global village should do.

Felicia said...

Good tips I came across...

How to Develop a Marketing Strategy for Dating

http://www.ehow.com/how_2096875_develop-marketing-strategy-dating.html

"Determine your target market (non colorist, well employed, marriage minded, family oriented men in the global village regardless of "race") to develop a marketing strategy for dating. Ask yourself where you'd most likely find the type of person you are looking for. (outside of predominantly black environments) Join special interest clubs that pertain or you relate to, ask friends to introduce you to people they know (widen one's circle of friends & associates to include non black folks) (let them know you are looking to meet someone) and hang out at places where you know you'll meet the type of people you like."

Khadija said...

Felicia,

Well, it's coming together. Various trends are consolidating themselves. Both the good and the bad trends.

As you know, there's another divestment and bifurcation in progress. Those AAW who will survive and thrive versus those who cling to the Matrix. People are separating into their various groups.

I'm "preaching" to the masses right now. But I'm not going to do this forever. I've allocated time for this now, but it's not a permanent assignment that I've taken on for myself. A conversation I had the other day reminded me of this.

I was talking to an acquaintance and she went through the litany of all the extremely painful, confidence-killing things that are happening in various all-Black social settings that she frequents. She has complained before about the toxic social dynamics to be found in these places.

I said that the quick answer was to stop going to these places; and to find another gym and another club, etc. to frequent. At which point she switched gears into defending the very same settings that she had just been bemoaning a second earlier. It was crazy, and reminded me of the silly conversations I've had with the battered women I've known. It fit right into that pattern---these women want to whine and complain but they don't want to leave the people who are stomping on their souls and/or bodies.

I mentally wrote her off at that point. I realized at that moment that once I complete my "preaching" phase, I'm not going to give these sorts of women another thought. They were warned. They made their choices. I respect free will.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

DeStouet said...

There is always a wealth of valuable information and truths in your posts.

A thought:

Your response to the Ike Turner in your last post was etched in my mind as I read it. It was dead on the money.

(As if to further etched this point into my mind, yesterday when I was watching an old western film called, "The Magnificent Seven." And something stood out to me, so much so, I was forced to turn the volume on my television up.

The plot is basically about a small Mexican village gets raided at least once a year by a group of bandits. The men in the village are not able to properly defend themselves, their women or their children against these bandits. So three men from the village, go out and seek protection from a gunslinger.

What stood out to me was, not only was it the men that sought out the help, but the things these three men said to the man they were trying to recruit. Things like, "They raid our village each year, and take food away from the mouths of our children. We cannot defend our women. After they have raided our village, there is barely enough food to go around for our children, so sometimes they go hungry. We can go without, but not our children."

And not only were the men trying to hire this guy, but they themselves were ready to fight and defend themselves against the next attack on their village. Their children and women were that important to them.)

Felicia said...

Here Ye, Here Ye.

A BIG FYI for those out of the loop.

Faith is LAYING DOWN THE LAW with a quickness over at her blog.

http://actsoffaithinloveandlife.blogspot.com
/2009/07/national-brainwashing-plan-to-condone.html

Khadija said...

"As you know, there's another divestment and bifurcation in progress. Those AAW who will survive and thrive versus those who cling to the Matrix. People are separating into their various groups."

No truer words have been spoken.

Ladies, remember this.

Cream rises to the top. And lose sediments sink to the bottom.

You must be SOLIDIFIED in your belief that you can rise FAR higher than any sorry lowly position that the "bc" has planned for you.

You CAN attract a decent, non colorist, marriage minded, family oriented, well employed man in the global village who will love you and accept you as you are.

You don't have to resign yourself to having OOW children and going it alone.

You don't have to settle on "PLAN B" (raising the ABC's unwanted children alone).

PLAN A is yours for the taking IF - and only if - you are willing to LEAVE these poisonous soul killing constructs, environments, and people.

FOR GOOD.

You must be willing to leave and NOT look back. And not be guilted back.

You are not responsible for the sorry shape the "bc" is in and you can't save it either.

Remember, it's not and never was your responsibility to begin with.

DO YOU.

Khadija said...

**Audience Note**

Please be advised that I'm NOT going to post any anonymous comments to this particular essay. Freedom and happiness are NOT controversial. That is, unless it's personal freedom and happiness for AA women.

If you're too skeered to discuss personal freedom and happiness under a credible commenter identity (as in NOT one that was invented just for this purpose), then I would suggest you use that extra energy to find a backbone.

The other reason why I'm not going to post anonymous comments for this essay is that sometimes the Internet Ike Turners try to be subtle with their trolling.

As I've mentioned earlier, these Internet Ike Turners need to be manly men and use their energy to GO RESCUE RAY-RAY'S KIDS BY ADOPTING THEM, AND SAVE THESE SUFFERING BLACK CHILDREN FROM FOSTER CARE AND FROM BEING ADOPTED BY WHITE PEDOPHILES!

These examples of good, decent, caring BM need to organize themselves to take this concrete step to save the Black race. Instead of spending their time desperately trying to break into a conversation between BW.

Ladies, when you see an Internet Ike Turner show up at another BW's blog, consider reminding him that Ray-Ray's suffering BLACK children in foster care are crying out to be rescued by him and his brethren.

These suffering BLACK (and half-Black children with Reject Becky and Reject Lupe) children are still crying out into the wilderness. Crying out to be adopted by good, decent, caring, CONSCIOUS BM! Will "Ike & Bros." answer their tearful sobs?

Khadija said...

DeStouet,

Thank you for your kind words; I truly appreciate it.

Yes, I remember The Magnificent Seven. Which, IIRC was an American remake of a Japanese movie about the men from a Japanese farming village recruiting "Seven Samurai" to protect their village from bandits.

I also noticed the point that leaped out at you: Even though these farmers didn't have the gunfighting skills to be able to protect their wives and children on their own, they didn't just leave it at that. They did what they had to do***basically hire professional killers***to help them protect their women and children.

That's how important their wives and children were to them. These men scraped their little money together to hire some mercenaries to get the job done. They didn't sit back and whine to the central government; and then DO NOTHING after the government ignored them. They invested their OWN MONEY and their own lives into protecting their women and children.

Yes, a very interesting movie with many interesting messages.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Khadija said...

Oh, I forgot to mention when I first started discussing excerpts from this book:

The electronic version is NOT available on Amazon.com. I bought the downloadable ebook from the link I mentioned in the post; and then sent the .pdf version of the book to my Amazon Kindle.

[That's another cool feature of the Kindle. You can send .pdf documents to your Kindle. Amazon.com charges around 10-15 cents per document sent.]

Ifetayo said...

Wow, this is the story of my life. I have had difficulty finding people who I 1. like who 2. have shared interests. Often the people I like are decent folks, but I cannot express the quirkier, cultural adventure-seeking side. I present myself as reserved and nerdy, so people often do not think I like to dance. Too many of the people I know who like to dance like DBR music. In short, I tend to have friends to go to the museum with or the mainstream club, but not to an alternative club/movie/concert/lecture/event.

In college at a women's school it was enlightening to realize that it wasn't that I or my friends were unattractive, but rather that the frat boys who came to school parties preferred preppy white women.

ActsofFaithBlog said...

More good times were had by all. Yup I'm looking into some of my other interests right now trying to see how I can open up a new social circle. It's so much better to be around people who are just themselves were you can breathe. I'm also able to distinguish how indoctrinated so many intelligent attractive black women still are. I can tell I've changed. Esp when they say things like, "I know I should expand my dating options...but I really want a black man". Only they haven't actually been on a date with one in years. Other things as well. I feel things are coming together. I'm thinking of the wheat versus the chaff analogy. It is as it should be.

Khadija said...

***Everyone, please join me in a round of applause for Faith...with added appreciation for Felicia as back-up (LOL!)***

{wild cheering}
-

If you look at Faith's recent blog entry about the "Raising Him Alone" conference that I mentioned in the Plan B comments section, you'll see that she's been doing some heavy-duty activism on behalf of AA women and children. She's been doing heavy-duty activism on behalf of JUSTICE, period. [Faith's blog is Acts of Faith in Love and Life; it's on my side bar.]

Just now, she has prompted one of the individuals responsible for that wretched "Raising Him Alone" program {shudder} to try to respond to the many concerns that have been raised about the premise of that program.

I don't think he can respond, because he obviously doesn't understand what's wrong with the very premise of his program. However, I think there's GREAT value in letting these folks know that many of us are NOT at all pleased with what they're doing in our collective names. They need to know that they DON'T speak for a significant subsection of our people---the ones who will survive what's coming. They need to be informed that the only AAs they speak for are the permanent underclass members---in other words, they speak for the DEAD.

So, THANK YOU Faith!

And THANK YOU Felicia---your reference to the Betty Shabazz tragedy/atrocity was "right on time."
[I'm probably not going to jump back into that discussion because my response to the program person's question about these grandmothers will be to question the wisdom of having these women parent their grandchildren.

Let's be real---the reason why these grandmothers are caring for their grandchildren is because they already FAILED at raising their child. So, after having failed at raising one generation, the failed grandparent gets another bite at the apple with their grandchildren? This makes NO sense.]

Khadija said...

Ifetayo,

It's a big world out there. We all just need to find our particular "market." *Smile*
________________

Faith,

I'm still making my own social transitions as well. I plan to have an ENTIRELY different lifestyle in place within the next 2 years. [I want to have a lifestlye similar to that of the author Tim Ferriss.] I'm rearranging each component as we speak. One important step is to become financially free enough to quit working a job. I've got other plans for my time.

You mentioned, "I'm also able to distinguish how indoctrinated so many intelligent attractive black women still are."-

Yep, and I'm pulling away from such women. They just don't fit in with my current trajectory.

You said, "I feel things are coming together. I'm thinking of the wheat versus the chaff analogy. It is as it should be."-

Yes, I also feel that things are coming together (as I mentioned earlier). I think that I'll read up on the various scriptural references about the sorting out process ("wheat from the chaff," etc.).

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

C4L said...

I have been over at Faith's blog, and all I can say is that I am atonished that the organization "RHA" has already been around 15 years and the BEST that they can come up with is again to put the burden on the backs of BW.

Why have they not focused on the BM's that produce these children? Why, because it would mean they would have to inconvenience themselves to look in the mirror. Why on earth do that when there are enough BWs that buy into trying to be Shemales....

It is past time to stop looking back at Sodom.

Khadija said...

C4L,

You said, "I have been over at Faith's blog, and all I can say is that I am atonished that the organization "RHA" has already been around 15 years and the BEST that they can come up with is again to put the burden on the backs of BW.

Why have they not focused on the BM's that produce these children? Why, because it would mean they would have to inconvenience themselves to look in the mirror. Why on earth do that when there are enough BWs that buy into trying to be Shemales...."
-

Yes, the whole thing is just so BIZARRE that I'm more or less speechless at this point.

Let's transfer any further conversation about the DREADFUL Raising Him Alone program {shudder} and any related madness to the latest post I've just published where I link to Faith's last 2 blog posts.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

lisa99 said...

Great tips, everyone!

The part about finding and embracing the right "market" is so key. How many of us are constantly trying to "force" ourselves to "fit in" with people (male or female) who clearly are no good for us?

But we're made to feel that WE are the problem because we don't act "like black people are supposed to act," (HA) or because we need to keep "working on ourselves" to find the elusive "good black man" if we happen to be single.

When you market yourself to the RIGHT people and save your energy for the RIGHT people, this effort is nowhere near as stressful or painful as doing the former.

We need healthy, self-affirming relationships of all types with people who will better our lives.

ak said...

Khadijah:

I was talking to an acquaintance and she went through the litany of all the extremely painful, confidence-killing things that are happening in various all-Black social settings that she frequents. She has complained before about the toxic social dynamics to be found in these places.

I said that the quick answer was to stop going to these places; and to find another gym and another club, etc. to frequent. At which point she switched gears into defending the very same settings that she had just been bemoaning a second earlier. It was crazy, and reminded me of the silly conversations I've had with the battered women I've known. It fit right into that pattern---these women want to whine and complain but they don't want to leave the people who are stomping on their souls and/or bodies.




Khadija, that is craziness! I know that America has been so sgregated that even after the Civil Rights Movement, things didn't seem that different until a lot later on but black women have GOT to frequent racially DIVERSE public areas and establishment.

I mean I see black women getting on with white men and women at work both here in the UK and when I worked back in the US. But black women act as if it's still such a giant leap to take when they're off-duty, unlike black men.

geekgrl said...

“In short, I tend to have friends to go to the museum with or the mainstream club, but not to an alternative club/movie/concert/lecture/event.”

Ifetayo,

I had the same problem. Then last year, I decided that I didn’t want to spend my weekends vegging out on TV just because I friends didn’t want to go to the bar/movie/club I wanted to go to.

I started going country dancing by myself and have met some very nice people. I now have a group of dancing friends at the place that I can hang out with. I’ve since learned that going by yourself can be a plus, because it is less intimidating for guys to ask you to dance when you’re not surrounded by your friends. And when you’re doing what you like to do, you’re happy. Happiness is very attractive.

Khadija said...

Lisa99,

You said, "When you market yourself to the RIGHT people and save your energy for the RIGHT people, this effort is nowhere near as stressful or painful as doing the former.

We need healthy, self-affirming relationships of all types with people who will better our lives"
-

Exactly. I still recall the odd stares I got from other AA students when I was in college and doing all sorts of "non-acting-Black" activities. The ABCs were especially confused because they couldn't peg the "oreo" label on me since I was politically "Blacker" and more militant than them! And, I was in an AA sorority. {chuckling at the memory}

If I had let those ABCs pressure me, I would have missed out on a lot of experiences that are deeply treasured memories from that time.
___________________

AK,

Yes, AA women whine about how the "brothas" avail themselves of every setting that will have them (while leaving AA women and children behind). But most AA women are still indoctrinated to never venture outside of all-Black social scenes. Most AAW still restrict themselves to all-Black settings where the mistreatment that is heaped upon them escalates with each year that passes. Oh well. God respects free will; and so do I.
____________________

Geekgrl,

You said, "I’ve since learned that going by yourself can be a plus, because it is less intimidating for guys to ask you to dance when you’re not surrounded by your friends. And when you’re doing what you like to do, you’re happy. Happiness is very attractive."-

This is a very important point that folks need to keep in mind.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Ifetayo said...

Geekgirl,
thanks for the advice. As this problem has existed since adolescence, I have been attending alternative venues of my choice alone since that age. However, the happy part is new, as I am highly aware of the vulnerability of being a woman alone.

Baby steps ...

foreverloyal said...

Just wanted to pop in and reaffirm that these blogs ARE making a difference.

Those inclined to listen are doing so, and making changes.

I personally know at least one person you have helped.

Khadija said...

ForeverLoyal,

You said, "Just wanted to pop in and reaffirm that these blogs ARE making a difference. Those inclined to listen are doing so, and making changes.

I personally know at least one person you have helped."
-

You know, it's interesting. I can sense the difference that these various conversations are having when I browse various Black blogs. From the different ways that AAW are describing the issues that face them, to other subtle points.

Even though I could sense this around the edges of various discussions in various places, it's always WONDERFUL to hear confirmation that the work is making a difference. One mind and life at a time. Thanks for letting me know that!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

ak said...

lisa99:

But we're made to feel that WE are the problem because we don't act "like black people are supposed to act," (HA) or because we need to keep "working on ourselves" to find the elusive "good black man" if we happen to be single.



Yes that was the bane of my life when I was growing up so I was always the oreo and nerd simultaneously. Life was unbearable for me I tell you AND I read the Autobiography of Malcolm X and The Color Complex and such at the same time! When I moved up to NYC in my early 20s I had to go to a lot of so-called 'whiter activities' all on my own. Including the times I'd go to the museums once in a great while with my educated female cousins.

I went to rock/experimental music venues on my own, went walking through the city and even going to certain bars and clubs on my own in Manhattan. Until I made a small group of friends through work, friends I still have to this day for the most part, who are black, white, Asian, male, female, and gay and in drag or straight.

Blacks who live in the other boroughs of NYC weren't usually counted on to hang out at the same places that I did. *shrugs shoulders*

ak said...

Actually Khadija reading your blog, Evia's, Reverend Lisa's, Sara's, and Faith's actually has made my life dealing with other balck people much more bearable. You, Rev Lisa and Evia are very good at calculating, analyzing and describing verbatim the pathologies of a lot of people that surround us when these people are damaged and you describe what being undamaged should look like.

And you all most of the time, affirm what I've always felt and thought about certain surroundings but I either didn't say anything out loud or I thought I was wrong and self-hating compared to other blacks because of my indoctrination.

Khadija said...

AK,

Glad to be of help!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Tracy said...

Hey Woman!

This is so on point! I'm also an Oreo that didn't listen to the ABC's and went (and still go) any dang where I please!

If I would have stuck with that crowd, I would have missed out on London, Paris (meh), rock climbing in Yosemite, and the white sand beaches in Venezuela. AAnd more than a few rock concerts.

Right now, I have joined a Singles group that meets up two to three times a week at various events around the city. I am the only BW (they would like more to join) but the folks are fun and we really have a great time. But for all of my tales of traveling, and the club, do you know that I CANNOT get any of my BW friends to join me? It's almost like they resent me having fun and being footloose and fancy free.

And the one that did go... if I wasn't talking to her, she would clam up and not make any effort to get to know anyone else.

But if I said "Hey let's all crowd into a minivan and go to (insert the ghetto end of a major city) and shop at Kmart and go to some dangerous looking club" everyone is all set to go...

Guess I gotta mooove on...

Guess I gotta moove on...

Khadija said...

Tracy,

You said, "But for all of my tales of traveling, and the club, do you know that I CANNOT get any of my BW friends to join me? It's almost like they resent me having fun and being footloose and fancy free.

And the one that did go... if I wasn't talking to her, she would clam up and not make any effort to get to know anyone else.

But if I said "Hey let's all crowd into a minivan and go to (insert the ghetto end of a major city) and shop at Kmart and go to some dangerous looking club" everyone is all set to go...

Guess I gotta mooove on..."
-

Yep. We've got some craaazy cultural habits that are firmly entrenched. It's incredible to reflect on just how literally DANGEROUS most BWs' comfort zone areas are! And these dangerous dives where the bullets can fly at any moment are our comfort zones...{shaking my head}

Peace, blessings and solidarity.